You rot in a dark office every day, just like the other half of the year. But during the dark months it gets better, now when you leave at 5:30 p.m its PITCH BLACK outside. There is no escape, your life is infused with darkness.  

2)  Your life now has two seasons instead of the standard four.

Winter, Autumn, Summer, and Fall have been replaced by a Dark Season and Light Season. When you escape your glorified holding cell for they day there is either darkness or sunlight depending on the season. During the Light Season you wonder what it would be like to experience sunlight more than an hour during each weekday. During the Dark Season you wonder what it would be like if you could experience sunlight for even an hour during each workday.

3)  You have started constructing a great pyramid of paper cups.

Sure its aesthetically pleasing, but more importantly your boss must now think twice before advancing on your left flank.

4)  You have nightmare's about the pyramid collapsing.

It's more than just a pyramid of paper cups. It's a great and powerful monument that stands as a testament to all you hold dear.

5)  You actually heard a pathetic coworkers say: "Yah I'm working on my Vincent Chase hair- It's just not really working out" at least ONCE during during the span of your employment.

HEY VINCENT CHASE could I please speak with you in the pitch black conference room at the end of the hall? Just wait there and I'll be in momentarily to POUND you into oblivion.

6)  You sometimes wear sunglasses at night.

On your way to enter your dungeon it is sometimes sunny outside. But by the time you leave at night it's dark. So is it really worth it to wear the sunglasses for that one-way three minute walk in the morning?

As a fan of the sunglasses I say YES. And now when I leave and it's dark outside I have decided to just wear the sunglasses anyway.

So if you see me strolling down the street wearing sunglasses at night; I'M WEARING THESE AS A FORM OF DENIAL TO THE DARKNESS I AM SUBJECTED TO. I should have been wandering around outside wearing these earlier when it was light out, but I was trapped. So in a way I'm simply making up for the lost time.

7)  Sometimes on your way to lunch you pass by students who go to a local community college.

You often feel an urge to grab one and scream:

"STAY IN SCHOOL FOR AS LONG AS YOU CAN. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD; PLEASE."

8)  If Isaac Newton worked for your company, not only would he never get promoted; he would eventually be THROWN out the door.

He would be made an outcast and SHUNNED by your company for questioning the bureaucracy in place. The bureaucracy only values flawed attributes. Therefore, corporate would feel very threatened by an individual who possessed such great talent, wit, and ingenuity.

One can only imagine the exit interview:

"YOU'RE FIRING ME? I FUCKING INVENTED CALCULUS YOU FOOLS."

As they proceeded to drag him out of the building he would scream:

"UNHAND ME YOU LUNATICS."

He would eventually break free and and take a few strides towards the street. Infused with anger he would pull out a sheet with some classical linear sequent calculus rules he had been working on:

He would then proceed to collapse the sheet of rules into a ball, light it on fire, and throw it towards the group that just heaved him out. Before Newton took off he would release one final exhausted, yet enraged scream:

"YOU'RE DEAD YOU MOTHER FUCKERS."

9)  You were verbally assaulted while walking back from your lunch break at least once during the past month.

As you were waiting to cross the street a car slowed down as it advanced toward you. The person sitting in the passenger seat decided to roll down his window, look directly at you, and yell an unprovoked:

"FUCK YOU"

Ok if the person was a known foe or ex girlfriend then we might expect such behavior, but this sort of disrespect from an unknown overweight punk with a goofy-looking "jewfro" should never be acceptable.

You stood in shock for about 4 seconds as anger boiled up inside you. Suddenly you remembered that there happened to be 89 cents in your coat-pocket from lunch. To your astonishment the same car was also slowing to a stop at a major traffic light less than a half-block away. In response to the verbal assault you immediately took a few strides and launched the handful of change directly at the sitting duck:

PAAAAH-CHHHING!

The sound produced by the stream of coins slamming into the car's back windshield was "priceless". As you turned away laughing border-line hysterically the driver hopelessly yelled something from a distance. You couldn't make out what he screamed because about 6 cars were blaring horns at him because the light had turned green yet he was barely moving. He was most likely so stupid, that he was actually debating whether or not he should get out, abandon his car in the middle of a crowded intersection, and attempt to chase me or something? That would have been even more fun. Rather than wasting the time fighting I could have jogged faster than this guy's sprint to my corporate building located a block away where he would be arrested for entering without a badge.

One really hasn't lived until they throw an entire handful of change at a car stalled in traffic.

For the record if you're going to roll down your window and yell "FUCK YOU" at someone, you might want to make sure:

A: Your "victim" isn't the type who may seek retaliation against your stupidity on principle.

and

B: If it seems your victim might be capable of standing up for himself, at least choose a situation where a STOP-LIGHT isn't less than a block away. Otherwise you might just find yourself a sitting duck and the laughing stock of the entire street.

10)  Throwing a handful of coins at some asshole's car was the most fun you had during a workday in the past two years.

Actually the most fun you have EVER had during a corporate workday.

11)  You wish you had gotten the number of the guy who launched that unprovoked "FUCK YOU".

That way you can invite him to your next party. Only there's a catch, you give him the wrong address. As his friend pulls up in the same car you will lunge out of the shadows and LAUNCH AN ENTIRE BUCKET OF COINS:

"MONEY-STORM BITCH!"

After the onslaught you can take off down a nearby alley cloaked under the cover of darkness.

12)  You obviously don't value money, which is interesting because the main reason you stick with your corporate job is because of THE MONEY.

You may get paid money, but not enough to be plotting attacks on cars with entire BUCKETS of change. A bucket of that size could probably cover rent for a month. Well maybe not if you converted the bucket to pennies, but then it would just be to much work, now wouldn't it? You have never been a fan of change anyways. It's not even the change, it's the concept of COINS. Coins are fucking annoying, they are better used as projectiles. I don't care if the coins are worth $20 each, I'm still going to launch that handful of metal at jew-fro the next time I see him.

It was a combination of being very used to her babbling about nothing when she normally talks and that you had gone out partying the past two nights. After going out Wednesday night and Thursday night you had probably combined 7 hours of sleep in the past 48 hours. At the end of the conversation you agreed to complete an unknown task by saying "yep" even know you actually zoned out mid-way through the conversation. All you remember is the subject and that the end instructions were:

".....of those which ones are active."

Good thing you enjoy puzzles!

The sad thing is you are about 95% confident you successfully "filled in the blanks" and completed the task.

2) For the record you don't have a drinking problem

You have a problem with corporate.

3) You realize booze keeps the corporate masses from a state of rebellion.

Think about it: instead of fixing the state of your life, it's often easier to go to a bar and get smashed. At least this way you can have fun and forget about your "real life" for a night. The problem is these "temporary forget sessions" could be replaced with aggressively plotting an escape from the monster. Without booze the inhabitants of corporate would be infused with rebellion.

Consider:

A) "It's Saturday night. I'm going to get obliterated. Monday? Hah, I'd be lucky to physically survive until then."

or

B) "Wait it's Saturday night and I'm sober. Hey I'm actually REALLY pissed off that I have to go to work at 9a.m on Monday. What course of action can I take to proactively fight against this fate?"

4) You realize booze is your company's "ace in the hole."

No matter how bad things are, or how massively fucked up the state of the company is they will randomly throw a happy hour to try to allievate things. Once they laid off 30% of the workforce and threw one. It's the only thing they can possible do to seem cool: "HEY! COME TO OUR HAPPY HOUR AND WE WILL BUY YOU ALCHOHOL WITH THE SHIT-TON OF MONEY WE HOARD. See how awesome we are?" Oh for the record if your company doesn't usually throw happy hours and they throw one I would suggest being extremely concerned. It could indicate something REALLY bad is about to go down.

5) People put their names on their brown-bagged lunches in the refrigerator.

Ok no one is going to steal your awful lunch.

6) You slip into an intense daydream at least once per week.

The daydreams always have one thing in common:

SUNLIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!

7) The lack of sunlight has caused you to begin hoarding shiney objects and placing them around your desk like a crazy person.

The objects could include shiney clocks, shards of glass, pieces of gems, minerals, cheap bright beaded necklaces, or even snowglobes. Pretty much anything that contains a particularly high luster ends up on your desk.

8) You forced a laugh at a joke your boss told that wasn't funny at least once during the past month.

You should NEVER even have to consider whether you should laugh at a joke that isn't funny.

9) You think about moving to another state at least once during each work day.

In actuality there is nothing left to think about. MOVE THE HELL OUT.

10) You have noted that there seems to be a direct correlation between a decrease in the work assigned to you and a corresponding INCREASE in how tired you are.

The theme of late has been LESS work assigned. You think this would cause you to feel more energized at the end of your 8.5 hour day, but this is not the case. Being forced to sit 8 and a half hours with little to do is torture; absolute mind-rot.

11) You are expected to embrace a state of mind-rot.

Your bosses Logic: "Nothing to do? Don't even think about browsing the web, going on facebook, using twitter, or doing anything that would indicate our team isn't super-productive. Open a worksheet and pretend you are doing something."

12) You have defined insanity.

Insanity:  When one unhappily travels along the same path, while taking no action to change or improve their situation in anyway.

FORCED FEEDBACK

“TELL ME WHAT YOU LEARNED?  NOW!?!?!?!”

“HAVE IT SUBMITTED BY THE END OF THE DAY.”

Um ok?

Well come to think of it we are all constantly learning, no matter how repetitive our current situation may seem. In honor of the great forced feedback concept I have decided to make a list of a few things I have learned over the past month. Maybe I will even submit the list to my boss.

Here we go:

1)  I have learned how to access Facebook and Gmail at work, even know they are technically “blocked”.

2)  I have learned that the ability to completely “zone people out” while they are talking is an incredibly powerful and underestimated weapon. Especially with a bullshit job like mine.

3)  I have learned that if my boss “shoots me an email” I should probably immediately log off of twitter, Gtalk, Facebook and/or my blog. This is a WARNING; she could bolt over and explain the email in less than a minute.  Do NOT get caught red handed.

4)  I have learned if I am caught red handed I should just quickly “X” everything out even though my boss is standing there. She sees it game over, just move on. 

5)  I have learned that if I let some drunk idiot at the club draw all over my hand the night before, it’s probably a good idea to clean it off before work the next day. Your boss may very well ask: “what the hell is that all over your hand?”

6)  I have learned that in some clubs “24” isn’t just old, it’s ancient.

7)  I have learned that I will not forget someone’s name or lose their number if they write it all over my hand.

8)  I have learned that it can be thrilling to run through the hood at 2:30 a.m to get home. I didn't even get stabbed or robbed, man I'm fast!

9)  I have learned how to explain the state of my life is in three words: “An Impossible Balance.” Then I can just expand from there if I need to. This is a VERY useful tool. How many times have you run into an old friend only to be asked “so what have you been up to?” So she wants an in-depth explanation regarding your life in a sentence, well GIVE it to her.

10)  I have learned that my job is REALLY worthless. I just went out drinking Wednesday and Thursday night, and here I am sitting my desk Friday, STILL able to somewhat accomplish whatever “work” requires attention. This is impressive considering I have only slept 8 out of the last 55 hours. 

11)  I have learned the body can build an immunity to 5-Hour Energy’s VERY quickly. I already need 2 black “extra strength” bottles to get a substantial boast.

12)  I have learned that 5-Hour Energy's can ruin lives.

13)  I have learned that I can’t actually remember the longest span I have gone without drinking alcohol during the last two years. That’s probably bad.

14)  I have learned that the majority of the population is what I like to call “plan-whores.” This is simply how they operate.

15)  I have learned that plan-whores are the “rake” for poker players. It’s impossible for a poker player to not have a plan. The phrase “nothing to do” doesn’t register, at a minimum there is online poker.

16)  I have learned NOT to join recreational sports leagues, especially on the weekends. Why the hell would you plan-whore yourself to 8 Saturday’s in a row? Do you really know what you will feel like doing 1 week from now, much less 7 weeks from now?

17)  I have learned that Boone's Farm wine isn’t really that cheap. You will understand when you have to pay that $3,500 dental bill without insurance.  For those of you who aren't familiar a bottle of Blue Hawaiian Boone's Farm is displayed on the right.  Blue Hawaiian is pretty much the god of all Boones Farm flavors.

18)  I have learned there is a type of girl known as “the boy-friend girl.” She literally can’t go four sentences regarding any subject without saying: “MY boyfriend.” It’s like ok we believe you have a boyfriend, we get it; relax. 

19)  I have learned that age is mostly a state of mind. You can be 50 and feel 21, or you can be 21 and feel 50.

20)  I have learned that wearing headphones and blaring them at work does not cause people to annoy you less. People usually respond by walking up and punching you, which bothers you even more.

21)  I have learned that I feel like I’m 40, even though I’m only in my mid-20's. I blame corporate.

22)  Males may be generally stronger physically, but I have learned females are MUCH stronger in other respects. For example, wearing 8-inch heels in the rain. Now that is fucking tough.

23)  I have learned I will never fully respect myself until I give my dreams a shot and quit this job.

24)  I have learned that curiosity did not kill that cat; BOREDOM killed the cat. This job is proof.

25)  I have learned not to call the girl back that I met at the club who was 20-years old, drop dead gorgeous, without schooling, living at her parents, and without a job that would allow her to move out.

....ok no I haven’t.

You have been here almost two years and have not once gone to a team dinner. Even when you used to work for a boss you kind of respected as person, never a dinner. You may have used to go out and get trashed occasionally with your old boss, almost like a real friendship. But this upcoming situation is just FRIGHTENING.

They must be up to something....

"Enjoy the dinner, mandatory Saturdays starts next week."

?????

2)  You still can't decide if you prefer packing a lunch or buying a lunch.

Ok you normally prefer buying a lunch because you get to escape some. However, both options grow more and more unappealing with each passing day.

3)  You sometimes make comments about conversations that go on around you, even if they don't concern you.

Girl talking to another co-worker: "So me and my boyfriend were there with a group of friends and................"

Hold on hold on, before you go any further:

A)  You have a boyfriend? Wow that sucks for him.

B)  You a friend?

C)  You have a GROUP of friends?

D)  Get the hell out! Have I stumbled into the twilight zone?

Ok for the record maybe it is my business to be an asshole. If I can clearly hear it I'll make it my damn business.

4)  You often don't say these negative comments out loud.

They just flow through the currents of your subconsciousness like a stream. You can't stop the negative flow, even if you wanted to.

5)  This is the 100th sign it's time to leave corporate.

WHY HAVEN'T YOU LEFT CORPORATE?

WHY I ASK?

6)  The pass code you created to log into your network is "8th floor rebellion xyz."

You work on the 8th floor.

7)  You have envisioned a legendary battle taking place on your floor between The Tree and the PRT-10,000 (see Part VII sign #4) at least one time during the past month.

You are betting the tree will shock the world; defeating the PRT-10,000.

8)  You just placed a bet WITH YOURSELF on a battle that will "eventually take place" between two objects that have NEVER even proven to have fighting ability outside the realms of your imagination. Oh one of the objects is also inorganic.

Congrats, you are now LEGALLY insane.

9)  Your department values face-time over actual productivity.

So if there is no work to do for a week, you are still absolutely expected to come in for that entire week and rot at your desk for a minimum of 8 hours per day. Your boss seems to think that this will make it look her group is important. However, the problem isn't just your group. In reality, all of the departments are nearly EQUALLY worthless. The theme of "horrendous allocation of resources" can be seen running rampant again and again; company wide.

10)  You noticed a small spider on your desk this morning, but you spared it's life; letting it slowly crawl away.

When you see a spider in your basement you instinctively destroy it. But here at work, you have adapted a policy of sparing spiders that happen to crawl around. Whatever evil plans they have in mind you could care-less, as long as those evil plans stay within the confines of your corporate building. You find yourself routing for the spider to create problems and hopefully chaos for your employers. That's right buddy, go crawl off and reproduce.  Start a fucking spider infestation for all I care.

11)  You have time to briefly outline your true thoughts on spiders:

For the record, you don't think highly of the spider. Spiders are vampiric, blood-sucking, arachnid, DEVILS. If the spider ever advanced as a species it would enslave the human race and decimate us without second thought.

They may have a reputation for being beneficial to ecosystems and the human race because they eat insects that are "harmful" to us. But DON'T believe the hype. 

These creatures are simply waiting for their moment to strike. I don't support the trapping of any living being in a webbed cocoon, left to wait until their mass is drained by an eight-legged fanged abomination. As a child playing in the wilderness I sometimes stumbled upon ants or other insects trapped in foul spider webs. Well I would free the insect and slay the spider if it happened to be around. 

To this day I feel confident in my ability to kill insects that threaten me without the evil spider's help. Don't for one second be stupid enough to think the spider is "working for you", or that it wouldn't trap you in that same gruesome web if it happened to evolve a few foot bigger.

Thankfully it's size has been limited by a natural order of evolution (so far), but the world as we know it would be very screwed if this was not the case. So go ahead and keep sparing spiders that you come across. One day when an eight-foot arachnid jumps you in a dark alley you will have NO ONE to blame but yourself. But at least you will take solace in the fact that the eight-foot bastard will surely kill all those horrible rats; RIGHT DUMB ASS?

12)  You sometimes crush honey.

You never really had a thing for honey. You just get so bored at work that you often find yourself experimenting with random shit that makes no sense. For example: "I wonder what would happen if I put a half a bottle of honey in my tea?" Last week you put so much honey in your tea that you began envisioning what would have happened if you accidentally knocked the cup all over your desk. You envisioned swarms of angry bees showing up out of nowhere to demand back what is rightfully their honey. Who let them in? How the hell would I know? All the while the co-worker next to you might see the entire scenario unfold. The guy is obsessed with honey, you know he is the one who uses the other half of the honey that is put in the kitchen. A great honey-war could arise out of the voids of nothingness between you, the bees, and your bitch co-worker.

1)  You have realized you will receive a promotion faster if you become a complete idiot.

You have witnessed it several times. Manager's will be more willing to allocate additional responsibilities and promote someone if they are a complete idiot. This is because the managers themselves are not very intelligent, so they feel less threatened by a fucking moron that they can use as a corporate tool. So if you want to be promoted try pretending you have a very low IQ for a few months or so. The trick is to complete tasks successfully while acting stupid at the same time.

2)  New job openings are listed under the "benefits" section on your company's website.

Now why in the hell would job openings be grouped under the benefits section? A benefit is something GOOD you receive. An example of a benefit would be providing an employee with dental or health insurance. Your incorrect categorization implies that it is some sort of privilege to even be able to look at your miserable job openings.

That's really funny, but IT'S NOT a privilege. Your job openings are the worst. Employees would be giving you a "benefit" if they were to waste one minute of their time looking at such bull-shit.

3)  You have been called out on "access-pirating" at least once during the past year. 

Access pirating: The shameful act of passively borrowing ones ability to gain access into a building protected by security code. 

Used in sentence: "That punk access pirated me just last week!"

So several weeks ago you happened to lose your employee badge. Therefore, you were reduced to access-pirating until the replacement came in. How else do they expect you to get into the building? It may be your fault that you misplaced the badge, but it's not your fault that it takes corporate a fucking month to produce a replacement. One day a clever individual realized what you were up to and decided to call you out:

"HEY, do you work here?"

"Um yes........"

"Who do you work for?"

"Mrs. Smith; department worthless, same floor."

The individual then rolled her eyes, turned away, and proceeded along her uneventful path.

Are you serious? Ok for starters people enter this floor every 30-second interval. By the time we finish this argument some other guy will come by, so how about I just enter the floor on his card?

Also, why the hell would I want to sneak into this floor? It's 85 degrees and sunny outside, yet it looks like a bat-cave in there. Also, there isn't even anything of value to steal. The microscopic monitors probably cost less than $5 each. They had more powerful computers around during the stone age. The technology in there is so pathetic that I had to bring in my own laser mouse. Every other employee uses a fucking mouse with a ball on the bottom of it. So yah good job you caught me! I was breaking in to steal a bunch of $5 monitors. But I'm a master of disguise. to fit into the corporate world I even dressed in a button down shirt, god-awful boring shoes, SLACKS, and a pathetic belt. I also brought my gym bag, and packed a lunch in a brown bag like a 1st-grader to further try to blend in with the masses and trick you. 

ALL FOR THE PURPOSE OF DISGUISING MY MASTER PLAN TO ROB YOUR JOKE-ASS FLOOR OF OUTDATED HARDWARE.

If someone works for security fine, then this sort of check I could tolerate. But this was a worthless corporate employee drone who works on the same floor. She decided it was her duty to be a complete bitch even though she has seen me about 20 times during the last two months. I respect her even less because she was a complete bitch, but didn't go all the way with her beliefs. Don't just roll your eyes and walk away like a coward. I want you to overpower me, slam the door in my face, smash my access-pirate attempt, and call security immediately. UPHOLD YOUR DUTY TO PROTECT ALL THAT IS CORPORATE!

Do not be a half-ass bitch, take a stance for once in your life.

4)  The cutest girl in your company's building works at a coffee stand in the lobby.

She isn't 21. But, her boyfriend is obviously over 26 and in a dead-end band. Then again whatever he is doing is a lot more interesting then your stupid job. He might be worthless by some standards, but he tricked a cute girl and is happier than you. At least he can say he is pursuing his dream, even if he has no talent. Even if he is really using his non-existent dream as an excuse to pick up underage girls. Hey wait I think I want to meet this guy! Come to think of it he sounds really fucking cool.

Just kidding....

...........

Ok maybe I'm not kidding.

5)  The most heart-to-heart conversation you had with a human being during the past month was with your dentist.

YOUR DENTIST.

6)  You noticed the columns on your floor are marked with giant print-out letters.

"I'LL MEET YOU AT COLUMN N."

"COLUMN L IS SO BAD ASS I CAN BARELY BELIVE IT."

What a sad pathetic excuse for a company you work for.

7)  You have meetings about nothing.

Every week.

8)  Today you realized there is a redeeming quality that your job provides.

Perhaps the most redeeming quality about your job is the ability to write about how much it sucks.

9)  You have purchased a banana at least once during the past week.

After writing this post, you have to wonder what the hell is wrong with you. Why do you insist on torturing yourself? Is this a sad attempt to break up your awful day? Big surprise, you threw it in the garbage before you could consume more than half the miserable fruit.

Oh it cost .67, you gave the cashier a $1. You soon realized she was coughing all over the place and had some sort of disease so you told her to KEEP THE CHANGE. She thanked you gratefully. Um yah I didn't actually tell you the keep the change to be nice. I just didn't want to catch a disease. Then again, maybe she played you, maybe that's her strategy. Act sick as hell so everyone just tells her to keep the change. So the next time that you try to sell something and the buyer needs change just start coughing uncontrollably.

10)  There is a lady on your floor who's normal voice tone is a SCREAM.

With regards to everything she speaks about work related or not. It doesn't matter, if she's talking she's screaming. Without an Ipod your head would have exploded six months ago.

"OH YAH WE HAD SUSHI LAST NIGHT, IT WAS REALLY GOOD, AWESOME TIME YAH."

"SO WHAT'S UP WITH THE CONVERSION TESTS? NO I AM NOT MAD. THIS IS THE WAY I ACTUALLY TALK.  I'M A COMPLETE IDIOT."

11)  It continues to amaze you that vice-presidents you work with continue to walk around and act like they are the shit.

First off, there are probably over 500 Vice Presidents in this company. Last time I checked there was a vice-president of the water cooler down the hall.

Bottom line, never in your life were you ever close to being "the shit."

Anyone who trudges around an office 10 hours a day is simply a tool to be used by the corporation.

12)  The other day you made a joke and had a casual talk with the girl who works at the coffee stand in the lobby.

She laughed!  Great it took you a year and a half to say something to her.  So maybe in three more fucking years you can ask for her number.

Fate has it that I happened to pick a miserable day for travel. The sky is an angry grey with blotches of cumulus formations that sporadically shift. A mere spot of brightness can barely be seen in the far stretches of grey. A faint reminder that a battle was somewhere lost, and the sun's energy has been entirely vanquished by the darkness of this day.

I happened to arrive early for the bus on this foul morning. I reason the bus indeed travels this path. I came to this conclusion only by noting a pathetic slanted sign which reads: "DOUBLE HAPPYNESS TRAVEL, INC." The sign is a structure of inorganic irony, surrounded by gloom and a deep pit of mud. Most here aren't so happy right now, much less "double happy." The rain is intense, and the wind is equally fierce. Incredible a company as powerful as DOUBLE HAPPYNESS TRAVEL, INC would opt not to build some sort of crude structure by their bus stop to at least protect their valuable customers from the elements.

I guess it's just always a sunny day at DOUBLE HAPPYNESS TRAVEL. I strongly believe they don't understand bad weather like the logical person, that simply does not compute. It's not that they don't care about their customers, it's just the concept of rain itself at such a "happy" bus stop was inconceivable to the great founder of Double Happyness Travel.

But I do not hate the founder of Double Happyness. I not only respect this great man, I embrace and understand him. If somebody told me it wasn't sunny at my favorite beach I would call them a fucking liar. I would refuse to believe that my beach of choice could be cold or miserable in any way. This is why if I feel like going to a beach located in the Northeast region of the United States in December, I'm damn sure going to still go. And you damn sure won't stop me with your futile logic.

You can bitch at me that it's snowing and 20 degrees outside, but in my mind it's always going to be sunny and 90 degrees at that damn beach. Blanketed with topless girls that should be modeling in a fashion capital somewhere. These girls will also be somehow hopelessly without a boyfriend and throwing themselves at me. So I will be going to my "beautiful beach." That beach is all I have and don't think for one second that you or any other fuck-head possesses the power or logic to take that gift away from me.

I'm not even going to say the beach to me is exactly a state of mind or the state of the bus stop at Double Happyness should be viewed from a relative state of mind. No fuck that, it isn't that simple. This isn't 5th grade, there isn't a simple point or logic for your pleasure. It is 90 degrees at my beach in December. It's state has transcended to a point where it's physical existence has been forever transformed. Likewise, it's always sunny at Double Happy's bus stop, so there's no need to EVER put up shelter.

Lost?

Good, screw off to somewhere else then.

Anyways, I'm still standing outside at this incredibly happy bus stop in some heavy rain and wind. I'm carrying some luggage with both arms, have a sharp pain in my shoulder, and I'm god damn drenched. I don't have an umbrella since I consider that to be a cowards way out. It's ok because I was in a mood to embrace some madness today, even if it comes in the form of rain and wind. Being stuck in an office a week straight will put you in this sort of mood. This logic may ruin my clothes and luggage, but I'll have a good pick up line while dressed in rags at the bar tonight, so maybe it will all balance out.

I briefly think about where I SHOULD be right now, or what I would NORMALLY be obligated to do. Oh right, I would be rotting in a box within a steel skyscraper surrounded by bull-shit somewhere.

I can honestly say that I would rather be standing out here getting blasted by wind and rain with this chronic pain in my shoulder. For that matter, I think I would rather be dropped off forced to camp secluded in the middle of a frozen tundra, left with only ice fishing equipment for survival. Even if I've never ice fished, even if there wasn't ONE FUCKING FISH swimming under me within a 100-mile radius.

I would rather be trekking through an uncharted stretch of jungle, even if my only ticket out was proof that I slayed a mythical lion, which I had to present to the nearest war chief who has a camp 300 miles away. Even if I was told the war chief probably doesn't EVEN EXIST. Even if I first somehow accepted the fact that there was indeed a mythical lion prowling around out there, and I convinced myself that I could actually formulate a plan to slay it.

I would rather be dropped off god knows where in the middle of the most dry desert on Earth, being told I can save myself only if I kick a random cactus that is located somewhere within a 100 miles radius. Even if I was told that the cactus might respond by revealing the entrance to a secret city that could save my ass. EVEN IF the catch was that this amazing city might not EVEN EXIST.

I would rather attempt to catch the Loch Ness Monster using only a small Fisher Price fishing net. Even if the mother fucker did happen to exist.

My "I would rather" train of thought is soon broken up by the arrival of a massive juggernaut of a bus with "DOUBLE HAPPY" stupidly branded across it's side. I enter and almost immediately notice that there is a leak in the roof. How does this happen? Oh right, I've covered this, why would DOUBLE HAPPY check the roof for leaks? It doesn't rain, it's always happy and sunny outside in the mystical land of Double Happy Inc, remember?

I'm sure during the next stop someone will sit next to me that hasn't showered in three weeks. She will also scream something at me in Ebonics if she notices I'm indeed writing about her. And someone behind me will without a doubt bring their screaming fucking baby along for the five hour bus ride. But what do you want for $20?

It could be worse.

This will at least give you some privacy on one out of the four sides.

2) You have recently vowed to rebel against any cube you are forced to work in that infringes upon your personal space.

A simple, but noble strategy: if they force walls upon you, tear them down. If they refuse to offer you walls, construct your own.

3) You have nicknamed a co-worker nerdtron at least once during the past two months.

You are forced to see nerdtron everyday.

4) Your printer is named "PRT-10,000" and it amuses you greatly.

Out of all the printers on your corporation's worldwide network this printer happened to draw the name PRT-10,000.  This is the terminator of all printers. What an incredibly kick-ass name for a printer. No matter how terrible your life or job is at least you can say that your group alone has the honor of working with the:

TEN!

THOUSANDTH!!

PRINTER!!!

WOOOO WOOOO WOOOT YAH BABY!

5) You have given a sacrifice to PRT-10,000 at least once during the past month.

This month it was a pencil smashed into hundreds of pieces and placed in the tray. Only a fool would refuse to give a fair monthly sacrifice to PRT-10,000.

6)  A nosey co-worker has leaned over looking at your monitor and asked "what's A Vortex of Hate?" at least once during the past week.

Oh nothing don't worry about it, just go back to being a corporate tool.  Unlike your corporate job, sucking up to "A Vortex of Hate" will get you nowhere.  It's far beyond your primitive understanding of the world.

7) The restrooms on your floor require a pass code to enter.

You can't just swipe your card. You actually have to pound in a random 4-digit password. This has to be the most unnecessary use of a password you have ever seen. This floor is so crowded that you wouldn't have to wait more then 30 seconds for another person to come by and open the restroom door. If someone wanted to sneak into our disgusting miserably crowded bathroom they damn sure wouldn't have a problem.

Hold on there is an even better idea. Why don't you charge employees a quarter to use to restroom? Replace the access code with a quarter dispenser.

You know you want to you cheap fucks.

8) Yesterday you had to update the name of a billing contact.

His name was "Bradley Bones." WHAT A BAD-ASS!

9) You have never met Bradley Bones.

He's probably not even a bad-ass. You bet he's one pathetic human being.

10) You have heard a co-worker use the phrase "HUNKY-DORY" at least once during the past year.

"Ok so let's just make sure everything is hunky-dory before we send it out."

Three reactions bounce across the depths of your mind:

Reaction 1:  Excellent job. You somehow not only found, but incorporated the most laughable piece of slang into your everyday vocabulary. It is truly tough to find slang so pathetic that it is somehow acceptable for everyday corporate use.

Reaction 2:  Please explain to me the origin of this idiotic phrase? There is no way in hell you can.

Reaction 3:  I refuse on principle to advocate anything reaching a state of hunky-dory.

11) You begin thinking of an acceptable slang version of the hunky-dory line to present to your boss. 

You almost of feel bad they are such a loser. Isn't it your duty to at least offer them a replacement slang line that would make them look cooler?

You determine that you should indeed come up with an alternate line for your boss. 

So Dear Boss,

The next time you want a report checked for accuracy, instead of:

"Ok so let's just make sure everything is hunky-dory before we send it out."

Consider:

"So Ize be chattin' it up with deez higher ups. We be talkin about how arz main spot be BUMPIN last nite, blazin it up off the charts you know? Then out of nowherez they be all like major sweatin' me on dem reports. So all ize gona say is you best be makin' sure all be straight up or i be CAPPIN your ass...

...NUFF said."

12)  Your corporation keeps trying to block you out of your Gmail account.

This not only angers you, but hinders your ability to accomplish real goals. Are you working in China now? Back the fuck off assholes.

Yesterday I bought two bananas.  The one consumed yesterday was moderately tolerable.  I made the mistake of attempting to eat the second banana one day later.  It was of course all sorts of fucked up on the inside.  I attempted to remove the deformities by cutting off sizable chunks of the shitty banana.  I soon became so disgusted that I heaved the entire fruit in the trash bin.

The taste of the banana BARELY tolerable to me.  Barely tolerable, but for a fruit it tastes just awful.  Fruits are supposed to taste sweet and delicious, not mild and uneventful.  It's most likely the worst tasting fruit on earth.  It is amazing how such a below average miserable fruit could also be comparably fucking needy at the same time.  You eat a banana a day after its purchase and it reverts to a state of rotting mush.  You can store an orange in the refrigerator for a month and it still tastes god damn delicious.  Even the apple tastes much better and stores longer then the banana.

For that matter, at least the apple is somewhat local.  I have seen many apple trees in my day.  I even remember pelting friends in grade school with apples.  Though I never remember boomeranging a fucking banana at some shitty kid I didn't like.  I have never even seen a banana tree in a movie for that matter.  I have begun to question whether or not they really exist.  Where the fuck do bananas even come from?  I don't know check the wiki link above, I didn't feel like looking.  I would assume they come from some underdeveloped country around Central America that was once upon a time decimated by imperialism, which is now reduced to exporting this pathetic fruit.  Can you imagine if your livelihood depended on the success of a banana.  Do you know how much your life would fucking suck?

So a logical being may ask "why do you keep buying bananas?"

Well for starters I am usually on the run and often try to purchase items at random stores that aren't completely terrible for you.  And it usually seems stores around here have an abundance of this particular fruit.  I see a stockpile of fruit and I figure this might even be the stores specialty.  I figure the fruit is really fucking popular or something.  In my book a stockpile of fruit gives the false impression of credibility.  Also, its like if you don't buy one you're a fucking loser or something.  Apparently everyone is doing it, why the hell else would they always have so many in stock to sell?   

Oh and of course the bananas are always "organic."  Wait a minute, THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY THOSE BANANAS ARE ORGANIC.  I REFUSE to believe it.  So you are going to swear by your life right now that this god damn banana sitting on your shit shelf didn't suck up one trace of pesticide?  I wouldn't lie because I'm taking this specimen back to my lab after I leave.  I'm going to come back and TRASH up your store if it fails the tests.  And I know you bought those god-damn "organic" labels off EBay.  I bet you put those stickers on the candy bars as well.  P.S- SCREW YOU CROOKS.

A person once valiantly defended the banana and fired at me: "you have to pick them out right."  Fine this fruit is so god-damn needy there is an art on how to pick it out.  Well lets say I might want to consume two disgusting bananas during the course of the day.  I could buy two shitty yellow bananas, but then I'd have to eat both on the first day.  By the second day the insides turn to filth, so if you don't eat both you are FUCKED.  What if something comes up and I only get to eat one?  Tough luck.  But hell if I know if I'm even going to feel like eating two bananas.  I really have no idea how many bananas I will eat in the next 24 hour period.  These timing issues simply do not work for me, what can I say I'm an unpredictable mother fucker.

The same person also went on to valiantly defend the banana by asking "do you know what fruit has to go through to get to the store?"  Um, no? How the hell would I know?  So you are saying I should express some sort of sympathy and buy the fruit simply because it had a long journey?  That is the WORST fucking logic I have ever heard.  That would be like buying a mound of dog shit that was on the shelf simply because it came all the way from China.  Would you give a girl who is an awful human being a chance just because she came from a country on the other side of the globe?  FUCK ME, don't answer that.

That being said I have a feeling it didn't go through so much to get to the store considering it costs around a dollar, even in an overpriced store.  Oh and by the way I only have two one-dollar bills, so don't even think about charging me one dollar and 15 worthless cents.  I would throw the remaining 85 cents against your wall on principle if you subject me to this.  That is about what I think of your piss annoying change that has been god knows where.  Actually, keep the fucking change, here take TWO DOLLARS.  The fuck do I care?

That's a pretty good margin for selling the most atrocious species of fruit on this planet.

There are 120 total hours in the upcoming week. The hours I have to be at work (W) this upcoming week are represented: 8 (hours) x 5 (days) = 40 (hour’s total). So:

W= 40

But that’s just the time I'm required to physically be there. So you have to tack on 1.5 hours multiplied by 5. Since I have to get up and hour and a half earlier (E) each day because of work. Also add 5 more since an additional hour is wasted after work each day, since we must count commuting time (C). Oh wait; there is also a happy hour (H) this week that I don't want to go to. So that takes place one night from 5p.m - 9p.m. That's about 3.5 more hours. Then you figure I should sleep at least once per night.  8 hours of sleep (S) per night would be 40. So:

W+E+C+H+S= 96 (W= 40, E= 7.5, C= 5, H= 3.5, S= 40).

I can approximate that 96 out of 120 hours of the upcoming week will be sucked up because of work. This can also be expressed of 80% of the total hours available in the upcoming week.

Therefore:

80% of my time during the upcoming week must go towards obligations that I have no interest in. 

Wow. 

It amazes me how many people have a corporate job and a serious relationship. I guess they are corporate tools, have temporarily convinced themselves that they like their job, or have given up any sort of other goals entirely. They are 100% trapped. I never understood how this time balance would be possible for me to achieve even if I did meet someone that I could stand (man I better never let someone I'm interested in find out about this site). Maybe if I didn't sleep a night per week? But if your significant other is extremely needy, not even that sacrifice will get you very far. And your significant other will be EXTREMELY needy, it is simply the way of the world. Well I can say from experience: it sure as hell didn't work for me in the past.

Anyways, the remaining 20% leaves me with 24 hours. And those hours aren't even completely mine. You have to consider obligations to friends, others, family, cooking, and even laundry. I would realistically be able to put about half of those hours towards a meaningful goal.

I am 90% trapped.

You often aren’t even tired at night. However, you decide that forcing yourself to sleep would seem like a “normal thing to do.” The harsh reality is that your job and co-workers have warped your perspective on what constitutes normal. If you aren’t tired, don’t go to sleep. Use the time you feel alert to focus on tasks that you are actually passionate about. Be tired at your miserable job the next day, not the other way around. At least this way you can be tired the next day with some sense of accomplishment.

2) You now hate “happy” hours.

They aren’t happy at all. It’s just another hour that requires you to talk to people that you really have nothing to say to.

3) New positions are usually filled based on “bargain”, not on skill.

For example, if you’re an analyst applying for an associate position within the same company do not even bother. Even if you have proved you deserve a higher pay and status you WILL BE SCREWED. You may be an awesome employee, but you will not be hired because you can be kept at a lower position with less pay. Your company knows that people are reluctant to uproot their lives despite getting underpaid. You can also take solace in the fact that someone from the outside will end up filling the new position that you probably deserve, even if they are clue-less and do a shit job. Additionally, your current manager can put a “block” on you as a last resort. This means your current boss will contact the manager hiring for the new position (manager A). They will agree to deny you the position, so your current manager can continue to suck you for everything you’re worth. In return your current manager will return the favor to the manager A at a later time.

4) You have realized you should never tell your current boss when interviewing internally.

It is wise to remove this logic from your thought process:

“I’m going to tell my boss I am accepting an internal interview. I think it's important I remain honest and respectful. Also, I won’t have any guilt. Besides, maybe she will be more inclined to offer me a promotion since other parties are obviously expressing strong interest, which further proves my value.”

In reality:

It is beyond idiotic to tell a current boss you’re accepting an internal interview. This only gives them time to network and stab your back; ruining your chances of ever progressing. Furthermore, don’t fool yourself into thinking you should be respectful and honest; remember that NOBODY else around you is. Getting others in corporate to appreciate those values would be like sharing empathy with an ant. Do you think the ant has the capacity to appreciate your empathy? Also, nobody is going to feel pressured to give you a promotion in response to another internal manager showing interest. It is much easier to contact the other manger first and simply work out a “block deal" before your interview even begins.

Stab or be stabbed.

5) Guys in the bathroom INSIST on starting conversations as normal as they are pissing in stalls positioned less than a foot away from each other.

What is this a gay bar?

6) It took your company over a year to give you a name-tag.

One day about a year and a half later you come in on a random Wednesday and a name-tag is plastered to your monitor. What nice gesture! After giving your soul for the last 540 days, after being forcefully relocated 3 different times like a farm animal. Well you decided to remove the name-tag after about 4 hours.  You will remain nameless thanks. Let's be honest, any employee who works here is really just a number.

7) The one day you don't shave clean an extremely attractive women shows up to your team meeting.

So your team has this meeting once a week. Half of the time the meeting gets cancelled, it is so uneventful you actually forgot it was occurring this week until an hour before. Well this particular week the most attractive women in the entire 15-story skyscraper shows up to the meeting. The unnamed women has not shown up once during the past four months. Why did she happen to pick this one random week? How the hell does this happen?

8) You waited outside 15 minutes for someone to let you in the building at least once during the past month.

Normally you can't walk in the office door without three cattle nearly "kamakazing" you.  But the one day you forget your access card there isn't a person in sight for fifteen minutes. You could have called a friend to let you in, but the situation was just really amusing.

9) Today is August 17th and you feel like you need a vacation.

Interesting because you have only worked four out of the first 16 days this month.

10) The biggest prick that works for the company has been given the most sizable promotion.

He’s now an even bigger prick.

11) You use a holder for your sunglasses at work.

The holder consists of a single thumbtack that is stabbed against your cube wall. The mass from your sunglasses causes the thumbtack to pathetically slant.

12) You can make more money playing poker.

You have proved this statement as fact.  Equally important, you would be happier playing poker.  The only thing left to do is to get extremely motivated, work towards playing full-time, and become your own man again.