The Shadow

I stumble outside my basement door….

Tonight I have decided to go for a night run.  It is around 9:30p.m.  The first few minutes begin with me stumbling around my yard like a fool.  My eyes have not yet adjusted to the darkness.  I would argue that one who has never roamed in a country area on a dark night is really missing out on something.  The experience is very deep and if anything it is an excellent way to clear your head.

The moon is very bright on this particular night.  It is mid-September where the nights in the county are refreshing cool.  The fall yields much better weather for roaming at night, as opposed to the hot buggy summer season.

I soon find myself taking off.  It is an incredibly refreshing feeling.  I feel as if I am almost flying through the dark secluded neighborhood.  I have lived in this neighborhood the majority of my life.  It has a good amount of forest which produces an adventurous feel at night.  I frequently gaze up to find the moonlight vividly reflecting off a mesmerizing cumulus cloud formation that covers vast stretches of the sky.

Thoughts begin race through my head as I move at a steady pace.  Any personal quarrels or concerns that have bogged my spirit down during the last month immediately vanish.  These petty and almost selfish thoughts have no place here.  They are replaced by a timeless feeling.  I think back to events like childhood.  I pass familiar houses and wonder what became of the inhabitants that built them.  But not all is good.  Much is unsettled and restless.  Passing certain houses brings a chill throughout my entire body.  To think how unfair life was for a few.  Astonishing that there are certain wounds that not even time can seem to close forever.

I soon take comfort racing back and forth between a small path that consists of one long street.  The one-mile portion of the path is surrounded by thick trees.  The limbs of these ancients stretch across overhead.  During my third trek across this path my deep experience was disturbed by a shocking element of surprise.  A ferocious creature had sneaked up from behind.  A terrifying noise soon followed:

“GGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR>>>>WOOOWOWOWOFFOWFOW”

The confrontational growl was followed by several loud barking like noises.  An adrenaline rush immediately sparked through my bloodstream.  My heart jumped into my throat.  Startled as hell my instinct was to scream back:

“WOAH>>>>> HEY, HEY…. BACK... DOWN”

I’m not sure why I immediately screamed back, it just happened that way I guess.  I was hoping it was a dog on the edge of someone’s property.  I glanced back to see a large shadow streak across the ground I had just passed.  The shadow then bolted into the surrounding woods.  I was fortunate the shadow had at least temporarily retreated into the woods rather then trying to attack me right there.  If it was a dog, it was certainly a stray one considering it bolted straight into the wilderness.  There are also wild coyotes around Maryland.  I have never heard specific reports of any around Baltimore County, but it is certainly a possibility.

I continued down the path until I reached the bottom of the hill.  My heart was still absolutely racing.  I knew a long way I could take to completely avoid the area I had just passed.  It would involve cutting through a few yards, which would eventually put me at the other side of the development and in theory out of harms way (unless the creature knew my plan).

The easiest way to describe this situation is a triangle.  Think of my house as the top point of the triangle.  I was at the left bottom of the triangle.  The “long-way” would involve traveling to the bottom right of the triangle, and then going safely to the top. Meanwhile, I had the option of taking the short and dangerous path straight to the top.

After about 5 seconds I reasoned: am I really even thinking about taking the safe way out?  Sacrifice my own dignity to avoid an angry shadow?  I began to think about my life in general.  How am I going to continue to live my life?  Like a coward or a man?  Completely detour my path to appease an angry shadow?  How could I walk into my basement door and go to sleep with myself after such a pathetic decision?

At that moment I knew this decision was quite important.  This was more then “taking the long way”.  This danced with themes such as “running from nothing”; or “fearing nothing”.  This was my neighborhood and I was content on briskly jogging back up the shorter, yet more dangerous path.  I thought about grabbing a rock or something at first just in case I got in trouble.  I then decided this was not fair and also felt confident I could defend myself well enough without it.  I mean unless this is like a Dire Wolf or something, but I’m pretty sure those went extinct during the last Ice-Age.

If anything this ridiculous situation was ironically comparable to everyday life.  It goes to show that evil finds a way of sensing when you are contempt.  I’m not saying this particular creature was evil.  What I am suggesting is that as you go through life there is always something BAD lurking in the shadows.  Usually not so literally, but to ignore “the lurking” would be to endanger ones self.

To further explain, it’s like this thing almost sensed my state of meditation and personal reflection.  Therefore, its (bad/evils) natural reaction was something along the lines of: “Hey he looks contempt; I’m going to screw with this asshole”.

In the game of life evil is naturally drawn towards good.  You know why?  Because evil thrives off bringing disorder and corruption!  It has no qualities itself.  Therefore, evil’s sole purpose is to ruin what is stable, contempt, or happy.  Without anything to corrupt, what would evil do?  Hang out and do evil things?  to what?  Chill at the bar?  NO, it needs to fuck shit up.  Really bad things need happy things to fuck with……….

Still don’t get it?   Fine I will bring a “real life” situation into play.  With me personally I see this all the time.  Hell even with my romantic relationships.  Let’s go back to a time when relationships usually seem to come about with me.  It’s a time in my life where I am the most happy with where I am; a time where I am extremely contempt being single.  I have no need to even look for a relationship because I have clear goals; I’m actively perusing and achieving them, and become very happy doing so (couldn’t be more contempt).

Then along comes the terrible girl (we all know the type).  SHE SMELLS THAT SHIT, she is instinctively drawn to it without even truly knowing why, or what she is about to fuck up.  She can’t help it.  Her purpose is to corrupt the contempt without her realizing it. “Wow that is a happy mother fucker, he’s pretty cool too.  You know what I’M GOING TO FUCK HIS LIFE UP.  How about that?  That FUCKER IS MINE.  That’s right….. FUCK YOU ASSHOLE.  I’M going to suck the life out of you until you feel as worthless as I am.  THAT WILL TEACH YOU TO BE HAPPY.”

Dear everyone who has met someone like this and is as unlucky as I was: please don’t be so hard on yourself.  She will eventually leave when she realizes she can’t fully corrupt your spirit.  And you will later thank her for the “upgrade”, all the apparently meaningless displays of affection, and sex for that matter!  Grieve the end at your own pace and be happy that you got out alive.

Anyways…………

I began jogging back towards the realm of the shadow.  I did not break into a sprint.  Instead I felt I had a tactical advantage by keeping a steady pace and observing my surroundings very carefully.  I knew the creature was faster, but I assumed it was not more cunning or clever for that matter.

I soon made it back to my house after taking the path of danger.  I feel I made the right choice.  Thankfully the creature did not show up on my way back.  However, if it did I somehow felt ready.  Even if it defeated me I knew that I would not be taken without a fight.  Besides, I have been through more emotionally this past year then that thing could ever hurt me physically. I was not scared.

The shadows challenge was embraced.

The Fiery End

My employment situation has recently turned from surprisingly bitter to absolutely void of any hope.  I have given my soul to this place for the last year of my life, yet I may have nothing to show for it.  I glance at my large calendar sprawled across the side wall of my cube.  Scribbled in the August 31st box reads a barely readable message: "The Fiery End".

The fiery end refers to the end of my contract in a playful way.  It also refers to the end of my 3 co-workers contracts.  Though we have received no official word when our employment exactly ends, a while ago it was "end of August".  However, due to the unexpected amount of work and an uneasy transition period it seems we could be stuck in limbo at least a few more weeks.  The corporation will undoubtedly continue to suck the life out of me as long as there is a need.

I for one no longer fear the fiery end.  I actually embrace it.  It is an inevitable state that will come at one point or another.  It is foolish to fear such an end.

The problem with most corporations is they always take; yet they never give.  For about a year I have given my complete soul to "my corporation".  As a result everything else in my life has taken a huge hit.  Whether it be concerning any personal life, any goals, any interests, any relationships; they have all taken an enormous smack in the face because of this soulless non-human entity, which will remain "unnamed" for my own safety.

And how am I rewarded for my sacrifices?

False promises, fake attempts of loyalty, and a certain fiery end.

I meet with the director of operations.  I find the words slowly roll out of my mouth "I understand", after he explained "You have proven yourself here.  We are all very impressed with your work; we know that is not the issue.  But times are very tight, I wish I had the permission to hire, I think losing you would be a great loss.  If it were a year ago you would have been hired immediately..........".  Yes, "I understand" that the company's yearly profit is around 8 billion dollars a year, but you question whether you can keep a contractor on for dollars an hour (that has proven himself) until a position opens.

I understand that I sometimes send out 400 invoices a day to customers.  It is not uncommon for one of these invoices to list a one-month charge of $900,000.  To think that most U.S citizens will not accumulate a net worth of $900,000 in their lifetime.  And that's just one invoice out of about 2,000 that go out for the week.  But I understand it's nothing personal that I may not be able to be kept on full-time.  I work for an entity that is a soulless monster, but hell if you're at the top it must be damn fun.  All I know is that there is a fuck-head on the top of the corporate ladder just sitting in his house somewhere just COUNTING his money with a scowl on his face.

He counts, counts, and counts!  Mountains of money surround him.  He probably doesn't even sit in a house; more like a castle made of solid gold.  He will never meet me, will never appreciate what my team has accomplished to help pull the "never giving" out of a horrendous situation.  But rest assured he will discard me with a snap of the finger when he thinks he may be able to accumulate a few additional pennies.

Yet it is my fault for not fleeing long ago.  How do you know your future is not bright with a company?  The revenue is billions, yet you notice that the candy bin has disappeared from the front desk!  That's right, somebody made an executive decision to cut the candy bin to save money.  Are we actually serious?  What is next?

How about you just take my chair and I will stand there doing my work like a fuck-head the entire day.  Hell you should be able to get about $80-$100 on EBay from that chair.  What would that be worth?  Like 20 bins of shitty candy?  Actually you know what, I'm going to sell the chair myself.  I will then take the $100.  With this money I can purchase a months supply of candy for the front desk!  I imagine myself hovering over my computer in discomfort, as my final weeks pass by.  Yet as I stand in discomfort I will take solace watching the cattle shove the last months supply of candy down their fucking faces.

Enjoy the candy; you will be next.

The Stars

In the end it is all really the same anyways.

But is it really the same?

Do the restless die differently?

I gaze up; we are all looking at the same stars.  The stars are a representation that our existence is connected forever.  That same existence binds us to a shared sense of hardships and experiences as we go through life inevitably.  Whether we agree or not it is predetermined.  A natural order will ultimately decide the fate of the wicked and good alike.  Those that have been treated unfairly, take solace in the fact that the souls of the wicked will be forever damned by the certainty of Karma......

If only it were that easy.

Apple Warfare

THUD.........

That is the sound my apple makes as it explodes against the window of a mysterious white car.  Direct hit today!  I can’t really ask for much more. Sure I played baseball a lot in my lifetime, but my accuracy still impresses me sometimes.  During the last two weeks I have hit my target about 4 out of every 5 attempts.  An 80% success rate is not bad considering I usually have to drive with my other arm while throwing.

It all started one cold morning in early March.  I was finishing up my apple as I was driving along a secluded side road.  This side road is part of my daily journey to work in the city.  But this day was different; this would be the day where my apple would no longer be inconsequentially heaved into the forest for creatures to feast upon.

I spotted an ugly white heap of metal about a mile ahead.  It seemed to be some sort of crappy car.  I never took full note of its make and model, just a white heap of metal to me.  The vehicle was surrounded by tranquil wilderness.  In a split second the vehicle had somehow angered me.  I suddenly viewed this vehicle as blight on an otherwise tranquil landscape.  “What’s the deal here anyway” I thought to myself, do I really have to look at this everyday?  Can you not park your car in the driveway which is located 10 yards away?  I knew if I didn’t do something to act against this blight, NO ONE WOULD.  What if this crappy vehicle was only the beginning?  I feared the entire street could one day be lined with monuments of human ignorance.

Suddenly I knew what the right course of action was.  As I approached I slowed down my vehicle to an almost stop.  As I leaned out my window I took aim and FIRED!  As the target was struck square in the window I sped away with a surprising sense of satisfaction.  The utter sound that resulted from impact could have awoken a sleeping child far away.

The next week it became my goal to target this vehicle whenever possible.  My daily morning commute had soon become a blood-thirsty hunt for the inorganic enemy.  As the weeks passed, apples were tossed with great force and accuracy.  My confidence soon sky-rocketed; I would do all in my power to master my skill.  The daily hunt had indeed become a new reason to wake.  My vision had become a day where the heap of metal is either permanently relocated or destroyed.

What started as a random act of ignorance has become oh so much more.  I have been eating about 3 to 4 apples per week during the last four weeks.  I only consume apples in the morning while I first start driving to work.  Apples must be consumed at this time to ensure that the hunt lives on and remains as successful as possible.  I never particularly preferred the fruit, but far beyond their nutritional value they have proven themselves as excellent projectiles.  The remains of every apple I have eaten over the last three week have been heaved at the same car which I have found parked around about the same area every day.  However, it is not all fun and games.  Obstacles have undoubtedly arose at random.  For example, some days the car is moved back to the top of the driveway, this added distance makes the target harder to hit, but I still can manage about a 40% success rate.  Other days another car will be tailing behind me on the road.  Therefore I have to slow down and put my flashers on, letting the annoyance pass so I can go on with my daily assault.  However, the attack is made no matter what and that is the vow I plan to keep.

I soon contemplated how the owner of this foul vehicle would eventually react.  At the time no course of action seemed to have been taken to prevent my strikes.  Why wasn’t the vehicle being moved I wondered?  An interesting idea soon danced through the back of my mind:

The bastard could be waiting for me.........

Could he be fed up and plotting a great counter strike to stop the madness?  Was some lunatic waiting for the perfect moment to valiantly rise out of the forest and SMACK me to the ground?  Did he have a strategy in “the works” to counter my plans?  Before I got carried away, I sat back for a moment and tried to think about the five most probable scenarios that relate to the enemies current position:

A. Hope. “Things will get better, they just have to.”

B. Denial. “THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.”

C. Passive Anger.  The owner may stumble outside and think “Well that son of a bitch!”  But he is not about to get off his ass and actively fight to resolve the problem.

D. Passive Resistance.  The owner will be quite offended by the situation.  Therefore, he may eventually move the vehicle, noting that this could be a solid attempt to spare their car from being showered in apple remains every morning.  The car could be safely harbored in a garage, or simply moved to a new location, at least temporarily.

E. Aggressive Resistance.  The owner will take extreme offense to his “pride and joy” being bombarded with apples daily.  He may even attempt to take the apple-warfare to the next level.  One faithful morning he may arise from the forest and crush me with whatever weapons at his disposal.  If his weapons are more powerful then an apple, I might be in trouble.

Please note that a combination of the several scenarios listed above is a possibility as well.  For example he could start with denial, and gradually slip in to passive resistance.  When all else fails he may become so enraged that aggressive resistance becomes his natural progression or breaking point.  There is only so much one can take before they snap......... break......... Remember that when one man is pushed so far, aggressive resistance will often become a common response.

To some Scenario E (aggressive resistance) may seem like the most unlikely and terrifying scenario.  Imagine if the enemy has been watching my every move for some time now.  He could have already identified my tags and knows the very second I will come drifting by his miserable car.  At this point his revenge would simply become a matter of timing and precision.  To my horror, the enraged individual could leap out and RIP me from my vehicle.  He could then proceed to make quick work of me with superior weaponry and the element of surprise.  Even worse, maybe he is cloaked under a bush, to the far right of the road.  He has a shotgun........... BOOOOOOOOM, so much for apple warfare, it’s been fun!

I for one do not find myself fearing scenario E.  Personally I crave Scenario E.  I want the fucking challenge, how about that?  I would commend the enemy if anything.  If he gets me then that shall be my fate, let the better man win.  Even at my hour of defeat I would respect the fact that at least someone in this pathetic world has stood up and fought for something.

I fear the games have only begun.....

The Forest

You may take an animal out of the forest, but you can never take the forest out of an animal.