12 Signs It's Time to Leave Corporate (Part II)

1)  You fear using the elevator to travel upward.

You stumble into the corporate lobby around 8:50 a.m.  The last obstacle between you and your desk is an elevator ride up.  At this hour masses of idiots will frantically cram into the first elevator that opens up.  Keep in mind there are about 8 different elevators, and new elevators arrive in 20 second intervals on average.  You stand frozen in disbelief as all of the 14 people in your proximity battle to fit through the first door that opens.  You have learned it is futile to fight the masses.  The door soon closes as the blob of human mass disappears from view and is carried upward.  Five seconds later a new door opens and you walk in completely alone.  As if this scenario wasn’t terrifying enough you now have to avoid any flashing lights that indicate stops on your way up.  You do not fear the delay, you hate your job.  However, you do fear the blundering idiots that threaten to shatter the few seconds of peace you could have enjoyed.

2)  You fear using the elevator to travel downward.

You will begin your descend down to 1^st floor when it is time to go home.  The only obstacle that can stop you from escaping for the night is the threat of the elevator making 5 other stops on the way down.  Rest assured that random light will flash at least 5 times on your way down, as hordes of the oppressed cram into the small elevator.  The last person that pathetically crams himself into the elevator is always the most hated. You find it oh so hard not to hate that last person.

3)  You have seen your co-workers more then anyone else in your life during the past year.

Think of all the important people in your life: family members, significant others, or friends.  It’s not that you dislike your co-workers, it’s that you have been FORCED to see them more then any other person in your life.  It’s a year long playdate.

4)  You have zero motivation to leave your bed in the morning.

It’s not exactly that you’re tired, you just don’t care enough.  You find yourself lying in your bed at 8:00 a.m at least once per week actually questioning what the hell the point of even dragging yourself out of bed would be.  This psychological debate within yourself is occuring all to frequently.

5)  You started a “Fate by Creature Selection” email chain and it became a hit around your office.

“Would your rather be slain by the crocodile or ripped to shreds by a ferocious lion?”  A simple debate started to increase the morale of your fellow co-workers becomes the day’s most anticipated event.  Yes it’s sad.

6)  A hawk becomes your “friend”.

You noticed this creature comes by and stands on the window ledge.  You name him “Frank”.  Not only do you look forward to Frank’s company, but you become worried about when he doesn’t show up for a few days.  The funny thing is if you went missing a few months you’re damn sure that Frank wouldn’t give a shit.  He’s really not even your friend.

7)  You sometimes envy the lifestyle of your bums who live outside of your office.

You walk to work in the morning and they are fishing the harbor and drinking 40’s of malt.  They look pretty damn content.  Would it really be so bad to fish and drink 40’s as long as you wanted with no obligations?  Maybe you could even help them.  Say you out source some grunt-work by paying a reasonable wage for a day or two.  Then you could drink and fish for a day of your choice.

8)  You practically starve yourself at least 2 times a week by waiting to eat lunch after 2p.m.

You hope this will “break up” your miserable day.  You come back and there’s only 2 hours left!

9)  You have used an umbrella at least once during the last month and you weren’t made fun of.

Can you imagine the beat-down you would have received if you rocked out an umbrella on the way to your high-school or college class?  Your friends who are not “corporate” would NEVER tolerate that shit.

10)  Your co-workers have somehow been convinced that it is a privilege to wear jeans on Fridays.

It’s not, but their lives are miserable.

11)  For organization purposes, you decide to categorize your work messenger contact list into four different sections.

The sections read: “Somewhat Tolerable”, “Awful”, “The Worst”, and "The Bringer of Hate".

12)  You have gone on a date with a girl you know is bad news at least once during the past month.

By bad news we mean there is a 99.9% chance that this girl is un-dateable.  She has red flags all over her.  Your past experiences should allow you to immediately weed this one out.  The ability to "weed out" can be a great way to save time and emotional investment.  You normally wouldn’t go on the date, but you do.  You reason: “how could she possible screw up my life any more then work already has?  You know what I’m going to go on the date because that’s IMPOSSIBLE”.  Though tempting, it’s probably NOT a good idea to get involved to simply prove there are forces out there that could be more evil then your corporation. 

Tread carefully....

12 Signs It's Time to Leave Corporate

1)  You have used the phrase “shoot me an email”.

The only thing I shoot is a gun.  I have instructed my co-worker to hurl me down the nearest flight of stairs if he ever catches me using this phrase.

2)  People in your office using the phrase “shoot me an email” has become tolerable to you. 

It shouldn’t be tolerable now, it shouldn’t be tolerable in the future, and it sure as hell was never tolerated in the past.  I reckon someone should get their ass kicked for “shooting an email”.

3)  Insignificant events become the toast of the town. 

For example, several weeks ago a girl walked by and made the mistake of anciently spilling some ice on the floor.  The next 6 out of 7 people that walked by commented on the scattered ice cubes: “Wow look there’s ice everywhere”, “WOAH, WATCH OUT”, “Wow it’s an ice explosion”.  Actually, 2 different people somehow came up with the same phrase “ice explosion” to describe the situation.  Yes, two different people came up with this idiotic term within a 30 minute span.  I was working a few desks away in horror and disgust. The Ice Age was an “ice explosion”.  An avalanche crushing a house to oblivion is an ice explosion.  If I threw a freezer out of the 11th floor window it may cause a borderline ice explosion.  But 5 scattered ice cubes on the floor is NOT an ice explosion.

4)  A girl on your floor becomes “attractive by comparison”.

The girl screams average, but she is the best looking on the floor.  I wouldn’t say she’s ugly, but when you started your job you didn’t even notice her. After a while you may reason “well I guess I’d hook up with her maybe, she’s ok”.  Now somehow it’s “yah I’d date her”.  If you ever find yourself progressing along this path visit a densely populated club FAST before you lose all sense of perspective.  Your mate will most likely be a terrible person, but they should at least be pretty damn attractive.

5)  You overhear a co-worker bursting out in laughter over someone’s incredibly lame joke.

It wasn’t funny, but it just proved your lives are miserable.

6)  Someone's catchy ring-tone goes off and becomes the highlight of your day.

Jumping out of an airplane would be a legitimate highlight of the day.  Climbing a mountain would certainly be an impressive highlight.  Having a huge party would probably make your day.  Hell, even something as simple as playing tennis a few hours with a friend could make your day.  But a foolish ring-tone should NOT be the highlight of ANYONE'S day.

7)  You now look forward to interacting with the biggest psychopath in the office. 

He may be an unreasonable lunatic, but he at least brings a change of pace.  Hey, and there is always a solid chance that he will flip out and provide an interesting story.

8)  You have used the excuse “I have to get up for work tomorrow” to reject at least two social invitations during the last week.

That’s right “work” is time and time again dictating YOUR plans.  Work should almost never trump social obligations........ EVER.

9)  Happy hour last night was the most fun you had in a month. 

If this was seriously the case I advise you take off a week and go out all 7 nights.  Seriously, you suck.

10)  You find your self slipping into a day dream that involves a violent rampage at least once a week.

You have finally escaped work and clime into your vehicle. Immediately you begin driving 120 mph down the highway.  You zig-zag uncontrollably as mail-boxes and other objects fall victim to your rage.  An explosion erupts behind you as a large stolen printer is kicked out of your passenger side.  The printer is from your office and has now paid the ultimate price for the agony it has caused you over the last year.  Suddenly, you wake up.  You stare ahead at your blank monitor....

11)  You look forward to interacting with inorganic objects around your cube. 

For example, I have a calendar that I look forward to updating every day.  It tells all sorts of ridiculous tales, myths, and legends.  “Fate by creature selection”, “plan a date and lose your cool”, “Nightmare before Christmas”.  The updates have a common theme, they aren't related to "work" or productivity in any way.

12)  You wrote a post about the  “animal cracker man”. 

That’s right; a co-worker’s tub of animal crackers has angered you to a point where you lose sleep over the situation.

Animal Cracker Man: Revealed

I make a final lap around the near-empty office.  At this point there is no rush; the entire night is already lost.  It is simply accepted that this place has not only taken my entire day, but also my night.  If you leave work at a somewhat “reasonable” hour there is always that sense of urgency because you can convince yourself that there is a possibility of salvaging some time to accomplish goals you are actually passionate about.  This is no such night.  You have to go out of your way almost to locate someone still at the office at this hour.  Though there is always someone willing to give their soul.  As I walk I note a few remain chugging away at their desks; half alive, as if defeated to the very core.

These are the last of the drones.  Not all are so bad once you get to know them.  Some are even unique and interesting in their own strange ways.  Take the animal cracker man for example.  He’s an average looking man, also seems in pretty decent shape considering his age and the toll this place can take on the human body.  He will greet some with a friendly gesture as he passes them, definitely does not come off as a mean-spirited person.  He seems to be here all the time; he is no doubt committed to whatever bullshit objective someone has convinced him to be worthwhile.  He screams average in every way.

If one looks closer there is something more.  A large tub of animal crackers dominates his desk space. The tub is always there, and the crackers are always at a different level in relation to the space taken up within the tub up.  I am talking an enormous tub.  This thing must be 15-20 pounds, and towers well over 2 feet high.  Not only does it never leave his desk, these crackers MOVE.  The cracker turnover rate is mind-blowing; he must go through a tub in a week and a half.  I assure you there are days when he eats nothing but a pile of animal crackers for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Most would not even notice the animal cracker situation.  For that matter, no one would dare comment if they did notice.

But I lose sleep over it. 

How did it come to this point?  I mean was it a gradual build-up to the monstrosity of a tub?  Or all the sudden was it like BAM, animal crackers FOR LIFE starting today.  Did he just fall out of bed one-day and say to himself, “As god as my witness, from this day forward I will take animal cracker consumption to a new level.  May those who stand in my way be crushed”.  The possibilities are actually endless.  Maybe his great uncle invented the animal cracker?  That’s right his great uncle Joe.  Joe was probably picked no a lot as a kid.  One day Joe burst out of his elementary school classroom in tears and screamed, “I’LL SHOW YOU ALL.  I’LL START AN ANIMAL CRACKER EMPIRE”.  He eventually acquired a fortune and showed those bullies just how kick-ass he was, all from the brilliant idea to make crackers that are shaped like basic jungle animals.  I could go on probing for additional ideas, but i'll spare you for now.

The thing that I may lose the most sleep over about the animal cracker man is his open display of affection for the crackers.  An enormous barrel has clearly taken over the majority of his entire desk.  If he really wanted to he could easily conceal his addiction, hide it from the scrutinizing public eye. It’s not hard to transfer them to a large bag of some sort and stash them in your desk, and you would be in theory free of any asshole noticing your strange fetish and posting about it on their stupid website.  But he obviously feels no need to hide. He would rather openly display his affection for the animal shaped crackers to the entire world.  I think he takes pride.

Is that so wrong?

Perhaps the man has found something that provides him with unlimited happiness, and it’s something as primitive as an animal cracker.  So much pride, for such a simple joy; remarkable.  One may often hear stories of these famous people who seemingly have the entire world: money, wealth, fortune, and fame. Then they end up dead, over-dosed on drugs in their mansion somewhere.  But you give this guy a cracker shaped like a zebra and he’s fucking thrilled. Hell if they came out with “animal cracker deep sea” he would be in absolute heaven.  Imagine: whales, sharks, squid, and octopuses all tasting the same, but SO DAMN FUN.  However, something tells me the "animal cracker man" would take the claim to his grave that the different types of animals actually taste different.  For example, he would fiercely defend his ridiculous claim that the giraffe tastes much better than the lion.   I guess I should take a sort of envy in the ability to find pleasure from such a simple joy.  What it takes to make different people happy has always amazed me.

That being said, if this guy comes in with an animal cracker poster of a Giraffe I’m quitting this damn job and never coming back (just after I rip that goofy looking giraffe off the wall).  Let’s be honest, Id chose death by fire before I work next to a life-size poster of a fucking giraffe animal cracker.  You want to have a passion for animal crackers?  Fine I'm cool with that.  But kindly leave the poster of your favorite animal cracker at home.

I soon slip outside to a winter night that chills the very bone.  The outdoors offer little relief to the mysteries of the animal cracker man. Winter really does start to lose its appeal when you are older.  It’s hard to not look at it as an inconvenience sometimes, like so much that was thrilling long ago.  I begin driving off relaxed.  It is much less stressful at this hour because only the most dedicated of the drones are still on the road.  Only barren stretches of pavement lay ahead; cold and uninviting.....

The Herd

The horizon seems scorched with an angry haze on this uneventful morning.  I look slightly below to see the stretching highway, dotted with cars of the oppressed.  The dots extend as far as the eye can see.  I soon screech to a halt as the mechanical wall is approached.  The sudden halt confirms that there is no hope....

Welcome to the daily mind-fuck agony of my morning commute.  As I sit and waste away I begin to wonder why so many have objected themselves to the ways of the herd.  Is the extra buck really worth it?  Now when most of us hear the word “herd” we normally think of a grouping of animals.  Like the wildebeests of Africa.  These creatures undergo a yearly migration that spans thousands of miles.  These beasts are deeply united as they travel; they are bonded by the ultimate mission to ensure the survival of their species.  Their voyage and struggles are nothing short of astonishing.  They must continue their migration or starve.  Meanwhile, dangers are present at every turn. From the lions stalking the plains, to the foul crocodiles submerged in the rivers.  It is hard to not look at the wildebeest’s migration with envy and respect.

Yet as I look up in traffic I note that the “herd” I am engulfed in shares no common sense of unity.  This herd is in complete opposition with regards to the natural order.  The members of this herd do not seem to have the slightest sense of compassion for their fellow travelers.  My beliefs are confirmed as the lady on my right chooses to respond to my eye contact with a fierce scowl.  The members of this herd truly despise each other. Traveling in a massive migration together, but there is no common mission.  This herd formed because of an unjustified greed to acquire money, it is truly disgusting to think about.  All this misery is endured to make that extra buck from the hands of some soulless corporation.  There is no heroism or epic struggle here.  However, the daily stress produced may lead to eventual death by heart-attack, a fate that I consider far worse then being ripped to shreds by a lion.  A fate induced by the daily struggles that result from capitalistic greed; could there be anything worse? Yet the members of this herd have the choice to change their fate, so I guess we can’t really feel so bad.

I am now sitting here with my car-gear set to “P”.  Sitting motionless on a 3-lane highway is somewhat eerie.  I gaze up to see birds flying above.  They shit on us with glee, and seem to take amusement out of the ridiculous spectacle that we have created.  Trying to remain logical, I try to break down the terrible situation.  I then try desperately to justify it.  Yet, I can not produce a valid reason as to why any member of this herd chooses this endless torture.

Is it to buy more possessions that you won’t have time to use anyway?  Maybe to eventually buy a bigger structure to sleep in (you might look pretty cool).  However, is it worth the 30 years of misery?  Maybe some of these people have a wife that requires more money to be "happy".  Perhaps you sit in this mess so you can buy your wife a new car.  Maybe if you do this she will hold off a few years on leaving you for that other guy who can buy her something better.  And the most grandiose reason of all for sacrificing your soul: to provide your child with a slightly better education.  Maybe he can graduate to find himself subjected to an even larger and fiercer herd.  Or maybe she will grow up to become an even bigger whore then that wife who is about to leave you for a monetary or “status” upgrade.

Well I would rather be slain by the lurking crocodile.

The Ramblings of Two Idiots

During the past few years I have purposely tried to not include very personal events and conversations in this blog. I wanted to focus on short stories and ramblings that many people could relate to. For this reason I was going to make a separate section, and when ideas came up I often kept them unpublished. However, I thought this entry would be a good change of pace. Also, I don’t update as much so why not?

I am going to post a conversation I had with my friend “String”, who is a co-worker. He is in his early twenties. The conversation occurred on a typical Thursday that took place sometime during the past year. Just a brief overview: the exchange talks about my partying from the Wednesday before. Additionally, the “Crease” is a college bar. It is extremely popular on Wednesday nights because ladies drink bottomless for only $5. What a steal! I typical refer to the Crease on Wednesday’s as “Crease Nightmare”.

I sincerely hope that any female who stumbles upon this will think less of all males (especially if you don’t get my humor):

(Warning this conversation may be monitored)

Me [12:36 PM]:
hows it going over there?

String [12:36 PM]:
terrible

Me [12:37 PM]:
yah im borderline blackout

String [12:37 PM]:
how was the crease last night?

Me [12:37 PM]:
the Crease was a nightmare

Me [12:37 PM]:
it was actually alright

String [12:37 PM]:
yeah... those wednesdays are tough to beat

Me [12:38 PM]:
wasn't as crowded, just as many good looking girls

String [12:38 PM]:
nice

Me [12:38 PM]:
My friend Sam came and kinda messed things up though

Me [12:38 PM]:
i didn't have a chance to hit on that many girls because i didn't want to look like an asshole

String [12:38 PM]:
god i hate girls

Me [12:38 PM]:
yah i don't know why i invited her

Me [12:38 PM]:
i thought her friend was coming

String [12:38 PM]:
always showing up at the wrong times

Me [12:39 PM]:
if they don't bring a friend, rest assured you will basically be babysitting them

String [12:39 PM]:
oh yeah

Me [12:39 PM]:
its like taking care of a pet or something

Me [12:39 PM]:
shes a cute girl though but...

String [12:39 PM]:
and then even if it's some girl that you don't hook up with... they're all judgemental and stuff

Me [12:39 PM]:
the girls at crease are ridic

String [12:39 PM]:
so you take just take some slam pig home

Me [12:40 PM]:
hahaha

Me [12:40 PM]:
my friend Joe and i met up

Me [12:40 PM]:
i could tell his main purpose of going out was to meet some girl and he wanted my help

Me [12:40 PM]:
so i felt bad that kinda got sidetracked

Me [12:40 PM]:
but theres a crease nightmare every wednesday

Me [12:41 PM]:
i think the girl i liked the most who I got a number from was a sophomore

Me [12:41 PM]:
standard!

Me [12:41 PM]:
its like

Me [12:41 PM]:
i was drinking milk out of a bottle when i was a sophomore. I also was wearing a bib

Me [12:41 PM]:
and you’re at the Crease blowout?

Me [12:41 PM]:
jez

Me [12:41 PM]:
they grow up so fast

Me [12:42 PM]:
please go ride a horse or do something innocent

Me [12:42 PM]:
but no

Me [12:42 PM]:
you have to take up ruining guys lives already

String [12:42 PM]:
haha

Me [12:43 PM]:
if Sam brought her friend it would have been perfect. All parties involved would have been happy

String [12:43 PM]:
they start in middle school

Me [12:43 PM]:
yah

Me [12:43 PM]:
thats true

Me [12:43 PM]:
The average Crease girl seems to have a prime that spans from

Me [12:43 PM]:
an age of 15 to 22

Me [12:43 PM]:
then an epic crash usually occurs

Me [12:44 PM]:
right around the time they start wearing scarves in July

Me [12:45 PM]:
its the last scream

Me [12:45 PM]:
the last pathetic attempt for attention

String [12:46 PM]:
they have to do something

Me [12:49 PM]:
god bless them

Me [12:49 PM]:
so are you going to lunch today or no?

The scarf reference is an inside joke.  It seems that in mid July a fashion trend at the Crease was wearing a scarf (even when it was 90 degrees outside)..... don’t ask me?

I would like to see a conversation between two girls in a comparable situation. This is my guess with regards to how it might unfold:

Girl A-  “So how was the Crease last night”

Girl B- “Oh it was great, I met this guy who seemed REALLY cool.”

Girl A- "Just kind-of cool.  Or like ruin his life for no reason material?"

Girl B- “I might have to go ahead and ruin his life. It shouldn’t be so hard.”

Girl A-  “I’m sure you will have his spirit broken in weeks”