12 Signs It's Time to Leave Corporate (Part V)

1) You walked into work with no sleep at least once during the past month.

Last week you stumbled into work at 9a.m on Monday. You had already been up 20 hours straight. You somehow made a conscious choice to stick around at the beach until 5a.m Monday morning.  The drive back was over three hours. Maybe this is a time when one should step back and question the psychological and physiological effects of such a choice. Perhaps this is a sign to accept that your job is simply not compatible with your lifestyle.

2) Your company used an "environmentally friendly" act of good will to cover "being cheap" at least once during the past year.

For example, the kitchen used to be stocked with water bottles available to employees. One day all of the bottles were removed. In the next meeting a representative praised the decision as "environmentally friendly". THE GREAT CONVERSION TO TAP WATER! Ok for starters, employees can suck down tap water without you removing the bottles. Also you can still purchase $1 BOTTLES from the vending machines that you simultaneously placed on every floor after you removed the free bottles.

But the main reason for taking away the bottled water was COST REDUCTION. So instead of being completely full of shit just be honest about it. You care about the environment about as much as you care about the employees you treat like cattle.  A well documented study actually placed you in the top 35 with regards to corporate producers of air pollution in the United States based on emissions.  In summary: those few extra bottles you are keeping out of the land fills will NEVER justify how massively and irreversibly you have fucked up the air we collectively breathe.

As a utility powerhouse pride is taken from profiting off consumers, regardless of the negative impact to the environment. You are only as environmentally friendly as the law requires, and I don't knock you for that. However, I knock you for lying, YOU HATE the environment. This stance would be blended into the company mission statement if it wasn't so politically incorrect.

3) You have recently been forcefully uprooted for the 2nd time in the last two months.

Trying to remain optimistic, you look to initiate conversation with the first person you see on the new floor. His opening line is: "welcome to the dungeon."

Wow thanks idiot.

4) You have mastered the Alt+Tab keyboard combination.

Hold down the "Alt" key on your keyboard. Now click the "Tab" key to navigate between windows. Let's say you are tracking a tennis match live. If you feel your bosses presence immediately Alt+Tab to that complex forecast model.

5) You can now accurately determine if someone is overweight without looking at them.

You have noticed that if someone is overweight they will often report their "progress" to everyone in the world, and as frequently as possible. Listen around you for lines such as these:

"I just went down to a size 32!" (awesome man)

"I've been hitting up the gym several times a week, really trying to trim down" (amazing)

"I don't eat past 8 pm anymore" (great?????)

Maybe insecurity prompts this odd "boasting to the world" strategy to gain approval. Are people who openly talk like this thinking "maybe everyone thinks I'm overweight and just too lazy to improve. Better let them know I'm not?"

Just curios, what kind of response are they really looking for? "Good for him he's really being proactive and trying to improve his health. I feel bad for him. You know what I won't knock him behind his back because of his physical appearance anymore."

Ok for the record, no one in the office looks down on you because of your physical appearance. Everyone hates their lives here as it is, they don't have time to concern themselves with such petty matters. If you are making an effort to improve your health that's great, but it should be for YOU!

6) The highlight of your week was a nightmare.

Much has been on your mind. A few nights ago was one of those nights you just knew you were not going to get much sleep. Somehow you eventually began to drift off. You immediately became trapped in a nightmare. Around 3:30 am you woke up startled.

In the vivid nightmare you totaled your car, even know you remembered being fine physically. When you woke up you thought your car was actually totaled. Then you realized that you had not driven your car since you parked it and went in for that night about 7 hours ago. Your car was fine.

Most people would worry "Oh my god, I'm going to wreck my car tomorrow". But your reaction was "NICE, at least my car isn't totaled yet. Score one for me!" Go figure, your week could have actually been worse. You then fell asleep the rest of that the night relieved for the first time in weeks.

Hold on a nightmare made you feel relieved.....

7) The guy across from your cube is so close you could literally lunge over and deck him in the face.

This is the beauty of low-cut cubes. Absolutely no privacy and the ugly guy across from you is in your line of vision all day. The only person that should be working in such a close proximity to you for over eight hours a day is an EXTREMELY attractive female.

8) You realized you pretty much have to date someone who lives within a 10 mile radius of your job.

You just got in an enormous fight with a girl during the past month and are powerless to work things out.

Her English isn’t great, and she wouldn’t answer if you tried. No worries just stop by and talk things out. Oh wait she lives three hours away remember?

So there that tale ends.

There's a huge problem here, what if you don't like anyone who lives in a 10 mile radius of your job?

9) By the laws of corporate etiquette you must wear a belt.

Your co-workers find this normal, but don't let them fool you;

IT'S NOT!

10) Last night you paid $30 for a belt.

$30 for a strip of leather with a metal clamp on it.

WHAT THE HELL?

11) Your rare personal "affairs" always end up as a source of humor around the office.

Trust me it's not all that great, everyone else's lives are just that miserable.

12) You miss the tree.

You were recently relocated to a new floor, the tree was left behind. You know it sounds crazy, but you miss it. It should be hovering over you studying your every move. Just waiting for the right time to strike without warning. You miss that one unpredictable variable that could lunge from its stationary position at any moment and effortlessly smash you into the ground. Right now you should be fearing for your life, reluctant to perform the most basic of movements.

At least before there was a thrill of uncertainty in the air....

12 Signs It's Time to Leave Corporate (Part IV)

1) When you talk about your job you find yourself comparing it to a bad relationship.

"Well if the relationship is so bad then why don’t you end it??" Well, I don’t know I guess it’s comfortable and familiar........ It’s not all bad, it does pay the bills..... Similarly, you usually find something good out of a bad relationship when you are in one. For example, the sex could be good even know everything else has pretty much collapsed. In corporate the money and stability is usually ok, though everything else sucks.

2) You get angry looks from co-workers if you leave at 5p.m.

That’s right, you leave at 5p.m and people look at you like you’re Julius Caesar crossing the Rubicon. As if you didn’t just rot in your chair 8 and a half hours and pay your due for the day. Go fuck yourselves.

3) The majority of your co-workers have a flawed concept of productivity.

Believe it or not sitting in your cube from 7:30a.m to 6:00p.m everyday does not necessarily make you the best employee. Maybe some people can accomplish in 5 hours what it would take you 10 to achieve. So continue to think it’s a competition of who can sit frozen in their cube the longest. Some may be leaving at 4:30p.m because the work assigned to them is complete.

4) One of the idiots sitting behind you has talked about their workout routine several times during the past month.

It's 3p.m on a Tuesday yet this fool insists on rambling on about his pathetic workout routine. No one cares that you did "2 sets of incline leg presses" last night. You are however incredibly out of shape and for that matter a complete loser.

5) Last week a company-wide upgrade to Office 2007 was implemented.

Today's date is July 2nd, 2009. Wow awesome job; as an industry leader you REALLY know how to stay ahead of the curve.

6) You didn't even know the species of your best "friend".

Remember Frank? The joyful "hawk" who stops by and hangs out on your window ledge. The only living being who hasn't pissed you off at least once during the past year? Well yesterday you checked and:

FRANK IS A TYPE OF FALCON!

YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HIS SPECIES. Some friend you are.

PEREGRINE FALCON

7) You began writing "Tales of the Tree".

It is basically a formulation of different scenarios that could occur. All the scenarios involve your interactions with the mysterious tree that has been placed next to your cube without your permission. You do not know who placed the tree there or why. The scenarios usually conclude with the tree beating the hell out of you.

Note that the tree has yet to actually attack you.

8) The girl you like lives 3 hours away.

Then wouldn't you be happier living 3 hours away? No it makes much more sense to stick with your more "respectable" job that makes you miserable.........

9) The beach is 3 hours away.

You love the beach. So Again, why aren't you living at the beach again? Wouldn't you be happier living 3 hours away? No! You should definitely continue to sell your soul for "great professional experience" and some "extra cash". It's a shame most evil corporations aren't conveniently located on a beach.  A dark city is much more fitting.

10) "Exclusive" Meetings.

Certain team members are invited to "exclusive meetings". Though they may be in the exact same position as you, and working on the EXACT SAME PROJECT. You know because you sometimes see a bunch of instant messenger statuses sporadically flicker to "away" at the same time. GEE wonder where they could be going? Maybe they all left at the same time to randomly take a break? Not like the meeting is important in anyway or that you give a flying fuck. But you think it would make sense to at least keep the other team members that are working on the same issues in the loop.  You also know because you are sometimes invited to these meetings yourself. At least pretend you don't play favorites.

11) An enormous change has taken place on "your" floor at least once during the past year. You were not notified that this change would take place.

The vast area behind your work area was vacant for the last year and a half. Several weeks ago loud construction begins. The previous structures are violently ripped out of the ground and replaced with new cubes. The final result of the cubes can be described as 10 large tightly compacted blocks. Each block can squeeze in 8 human beings making a max capacity of 80. You come in on a random Thursday to find 30 strangers sitting in some of the cubes behind you. Many of the blocks are now occupied! As you walk by on your daily path to obtain water you now notice 30 strangers are scowling at you. You appreciate the advanced notice, ITS GREAT TO BE IN THE LOOP. You have become an outsider overnight.

12) You fear not one of the 80 new people will be an attractive female.

You think there would be one attractive girl out of the 80, but there won't be. She might be "attractive by comparison" if you're lucky, but she will be the worst human being among them.

Tales of the Tree

One morning as you enter your floor you notice something is different.  An enormous tree has been placed directly next to your cube.  You find it odd that such an enormous tree would be placed only next to your cube without warning.  The tree is literally hanging about a foot over your cube.  It is not only misplaced, but directly violating your personal space.  The first few days you nervously look over because you think the figure of the tree is an actual human being standing over you.  You then realize that the tree actually provides you with some cover.  People can't see what you are doing as easily!  But soon you understand not all is good.  This is no ordinary tree.  You begin to sense you are in immediate danger and the tree is ready to attack.

You begin brainstorming on different ways the tree could attack you:

1)  A random attack.

Some loser walks by and the tree lunges out and decks him.  You try to hold it back, but the tree throws you across the room.  Of course you get blamed for everything.

2)  Inappropriate email.

The tree sends an inappropriate email to your boss with your address on it.  When your boss returns from vacation she starts pounding you.  The tree jumps in and joins in on the beat-down of the century.

3)  An unexpected visitor.

You return to your house after a late night of drinking.  To your dismay the tree is positioned directly in front of the door.  Problem is that you need to access the entrance to go to sleep.  You begin reaching to move the tree.  It immediately grows arms and beats the living hell out of you.

4)  A meeting at the docks.

You are vacationing.  You happened to stumble out onto the docks wasted.  It is very late.  An eerie tree is positioned in the middle of the docks.  You drift towards it.  You happen to gaze into the strange shadow.  The tree cuts you off and begins making conversation.  There is no visible mouth, but the sound seems to be produced from within.  The voice is deep and booming.

Tree:  "So..... excellent night for a stroll"

Me:  "Yah it's not bad I guess"

(Pause)

Tree:  "The moon is QUITE bright this evening"

Me:  "I guess so.  Actually I think it has about an average level of brightness"

Tree:  "QUITE BRIGHT"

Me:  "look whatever I'm out of here"

The tree proceeds to pound you into the docks before you can escape.  The beating of a lifetime.

5)  An inevitable build-up.

I sit at my desk frustrated at an insignificant occurrence.  Randomly I look over and smack the limb of the tree and say "stupid tree".

About five minutes I stand up and begin walking away.  The tree grows arms, grabs me from behind, and starts pounding me into submission.

At the same time it is somehow yelling at me: "HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, DOESN'T FEEL SO GOOD DOES IT?  YOU THINK I LIKE SITTING HERE LISTENING TO YOU LOSERS ALL DAY??? SCREW YOU, SCREW YOU MAN"

6)  A dark room.

It is Friday.  You decide to leave at 4:55 p.m (5 minutes early).  As you begin walking away your boss calmly initiates conversation

Boss:  "So sneaking out early today!"

Me: "Haha YOU GOT ME, just kidding.....!"

Boss:  "No worries, hey is it ok if I quickly talk to you in that pitch black room at the end of the hall before you leave?"

Me:  "Sure.... I guess that's fine.  See you there in five?"

Boss:  "Great"

You soon enter the pitch black room.  The door instantly slams behind you.  Through the darkness you can just make about the outline of a tree.  The following beat-down is of epic porportions.  Your screams can not be heard.

7)  Attempted Suicide.

The three new people who have just moved behind you are beyond annoying.  They are annoying to an extent where you sometimes have to get up and walk away for a 5 minute breather if you forgot your iPod.  The tree feels the same way.

One day in the almost silence of your floor the tree pulls out a gun and shoots itself in a desperate attempt to escape the rambling by the three idiots behind you.   The floor evacuates in terror.  Leaves are scattered everywhere. 

Of course you are taken into custody and fired (being the closest to the tree).  Your final statement is given before a judge:

"I did not fire the gun.  Look I'll admit........ the tree and I had our drama I'm not going to lie.  But I would never wish that on anyone."

8)  Forgotten Ipod.

You mutter under your breath curses because you forgot your ipod.  In the dead silence the tree somehow acquires an iPod and begins strangling you.  As you breathe for air it begins walloping you. All the while yelling:

"HERE IS YOUR IPOD YOU WHINEY BITCH.  CAN WE SHUT UP NOW MAN? CAN WE SHUT THE HELL UP?"

9)  Forgotten Access Card.

You curse your fate.  You have seemed to misplace your access card.  On your way out you realize your access card is in the dirt of the tree.  You reach for the card.

Your hand is suddenly grabbed and a beat-down follows.

10)  Forgotten Umbrella.

You enter your cube soaked.  Under your breath you mutter: "should have brought a damn umbrella".

About five minutes later in dead silence the tree pulls out an umbrella out of nowhere.  Before you can flee you are hammered with great force.

11)  Fire Attack!

Out of no where you here at "WOOOOOSH."  The tree has somehow caught or lit itself on fire and simultaneously begins attacking you.  After the beat-down you awaken to realize all the equipment on the floor was ruined.  You are of course blamed for the fire.  Not only are you badly beaten and burned, you are in jail.

12)   An act of mercy.

It is about 2p.m.  Out of nowhere you hear a loud "KABOOM".  The tree has fallen over, dirt is everywhere.  After debating for several minutes you decide to help the tree out.  You first clean the dirt up.  You then go to lift the tree up.  It thanks you by pulling you down and giving you the ass-kicking of a lifetime.

13)  An attack from the skies!

About mid-day you notice the tree is no longer hanging over your cube.  You look around, but don't see it anywhere.  You assume that the tree was moved by someone this morning and you simply didn't notice.  Around 3p.m you hear an eerie "creeek" from above.  You continue working unphased.

Five minutes later the tree comes crashing through the ceiling and lands directly on your head.  Paralyzed you are powerless to defend yourself from the tree's continued onslaught.

14)  An occurrence at a bar.

It is Saturday.  You are happy to be out and away from the dangers of the tree.  You spot two cute girls from across the bar.  Soon conversation is initiated.  After about 5 minutes the tree comes out of nowhere and PUSHES you aside.  The tree responds to your confused glance by crushing you into the ground.

15)  An unlikely alliance.

It is about 2:30 a.m.  As you are driving you notice that the tree is slumped over on a bus stop bench.  It is quickly concluded that the tree has been drinking heavily.  You somehow feel sorry for the tree that has caused you so much pain.  You decide to give the tree a ride:

You: "Hey man, GET IN."

Tree:  "NO MAN.... forget it, forget it, I'm fine."

You:  "Come on dont be like this, you're going to get in trouble, just get in."

Tree:  "BUT IT'S NOT FAIR!"

You:  "It can't be that bad man just get in.  We will work it out."

Tree:  "Alright alright........"

The tree falls across your back seat.  As you drive you calm your former adversary down.  To your shock you end up dropping the tree off and exchange numbers.  You agree to go out together the next night.

The Next Evening:

Everything is going great.  You're getting along with the tree!  You stumble into a bar as the tree proceeds to buy rounds of shots.  Across the bar you spot two cute girls.  You decide to slip off and initiate conversation.   After about 5 minutes the tree comes out of nowhere and pushes you aside.  It then begins dancing with the two girls.  You then smack the trees limb and make your thoughts known: "HEY, that's messed up man".

The tree responds by launching you over the bar.  It then leaps over and continues the steady onslaught.

12 Signs It's Time to Leave Corporate (Part III)

1) You don’t go to the gym to stay in shape.

You now go to the gym to release rage thanks to your job.

2) A co-worker has confronted you in the restroom about a work related question at least once during the past month.

From the urinal next to you a voice screeches: “Just the man I was looking for, so did the edi-867 queries you ran factor in the scale determinants weighted average........” A surge of anger sparks through your body as the sneak-attack nearly causes you to piss all over the floor. You restrain from losing your cool.

“Why don’t you take a piss and shove the edi-867 query?”

It's a restroom not a conference room =get the hell away from me.

3) “Favoritism” is a factor that clearly has an influence on who gets promoted.

As proven by the scatter-brain idiot in your department who just received a promotion. You know damn well your productivity and level of skill would be higher then his if you worked while smoking crack. Then you remember you don’t enjoy "sucking up" and it makes sense.

4) The selection in your floors vending machine is atrocious.

It actually angers you. You stand in front of a vending machine that offers an array of vibrant colors and over 30 choices. Yet somehow you decide HO-HOs look like the most appetizing choice.

WHAT in the FUCK is a HO-HO?

5) Some random Indian guy has decided to chant loudly in the restroom at least 3 times during the last month.

He is a strange short dude in his late 20s. He enters the restroom and begins YELLING ridiculous chants. The yelling is incredibly piercing and obnoxious. The closest genre the sounds can be compared to is that of a Gregorian Chanting. The guy stupidly yells chants while completely oblivious to any other person around him. He is hands-down the creepiest person that has ever used a restroom. Is he actually serious? Yes it's quite fashionable to yell chants from the 10th century in a modern day restroom. I don't see the little prick walking around the rest of the building yelling his bullshit, so I'd love to know what in the hell gave him the audacity to start his madness only when he enters the bathroom. This isn't a one time occurrence either; you have witnessed this at least 3 times during the past month. I don't know how he survived getting the shit kicked out of him everyday in high-school, but a beat-down of massive proportion is due. The restroom should be a place of silence.

6) You have been forcefully relocated at least once during the past year.

After sitting in the same location and desk for about a year you suddenly get word that you will be moving tomorrow. Thanks for the advanced notice!  The blatant disrespect is still mind-boggling.

7) A "sneeze test" can be used to determine your level of corporate power.

If a Director or Vice President sneezes every other person on the floor will drop everything they were pretending to be doing and offer a booming "BLESS YOU!!!!!!” If a contractor sneezes the floor will remain defiantly plastered in silence; as quiet as the deepest darkest dungeon.

8) "Titles" are placed upon human beings to determine ones ranking or level of importance.

"Director", "Manager", "Associate", "President", "Analyst", "Vice-President", "Contractor", "Assistant".

It is common for people with different titles to actually be doing the exact same tasks. But it is very common knowledge that the "higher up" the title the greater monetary amount received for doing the same work. Though it seems law that the "lucky" individuals with the most "exclusive" positions in corporate will always be completing the LEAST amount of work.

9) 80% of the employees you know became "successful" from being in the right place at the right time.

Note we are linking success to upper management. Few would ever admit this, but the employees with upper management positions usually fall there by randomly being in the right place at the right time. Imagine a herd aimlessly drifting across an endless meadow. The strongest members are the ones that happened to stumble upon food first and lead. The starving found food last, become weaker, and fall back. Luck of the draw! The malnourished will eventually fall behind even farther and be slain by predators, but this is never the fault or concern of the leaders. The leaders push on not phased by the loss of their fallen comrades, looking straight ahead. Best to take the luck and run with it. DON'T EVER LOOK BACK! But in the leaders defense if the fallen comrades were in the leaders positions they would not stop. For this reason you would never hate the leaders. Hating the leaders would be like hating an ocean, the sky, or a mountain. You hate a senseless system.

In corporate we often find older people in upper management positions. This is because they happened to be drifting around the longest with the same company. Sure if you wander the endless meadows for 30 years you will probably stumble upon an opportunity that yields a higher monetary value, hopefully?

It is also important to note that sometimes in corporate there is no need to drift aimlessly in search of opportunity at all. Sometimes there happens to be enough "food" for most people, but this situation is extremely rare.

10) 19.5% of the employees you know became "successful" because of a connection.

These people are more pathetic then the ones who aimlessly drifted across the meadows for decades. They were given their titles solely because they happened to know someone higher up. This 19.5% is mostly comprised of the "suck-up masters". It is essential to never get close to people who fall into this category. The ass-kissers are the lowest form of human being. You find it hard not to hate the ass-kissers.

11) By observing 99.5% of the successful employees in your company you can give excellent advice on how one can "succeed" in corporate.

You could tell one that if you drift long enough you will most likely be successful, but you won't have much of a soul left after. But if you never had a soul like most people I suppose patience is all you really need. If you want to speed up the drifting process you could proactively search for positions with other corporations. After many adventures you might happen to get lucky and find a situation where enough "food" is still available for a skilled individual to somewhat prosper in a relative sense. Though the situation will be almost impossible to gauge until you are actually living with the rival "herd" or "village" for a while. If you are set on playing the drifting game you may want to consider building up your "experience" and "references" at a very reputable corporation to first prove your "worth". More importantly you prove your loyalty by doing this. Remember without loyalty you are below useless. Renegades are feared because a village faces immediate and obvious collapse if its members are not loyal.

If you really want to jump-start your corporate success the quickest way is to become really good at sucking-up. Ask your boss several times a day what they need and NEVER question their authority even if they are pathetically wrong. Furthermore, it is essential to become friends with your bosses and every person who is "higher up" then you. Then find ways to emerge yourself in their private social circles which are all built around sucking up to the next sequential level of "power". I am no expert on this subject. I would never choose this or even be happy with the end result of this lifestyle. However, I have closely observed those who do choose this lifestyle, and have even become friends with a few (though understanding the true extent of the friendship- it does interest me to observe their behavior). If you choose this path and can bear looking at yourself in the mirror every morning it is absolutely to your advantage.

12) You can't use your advice to improve your corporate situation in anyway.

It's not that you don't have the patience to prove you can play the drifting game to reach "success". The problem is that even if you waited for your success you don't understand the end result. You don't even understand how the success would equate to happiness if you had it. You would simply have a badge for the ability to coexist with the largest of herds for a massive span of time. You probably have the ability to speed along the drifting process, but you don't know if you even desire what is obtained at the end of the drift. For that matter the drift doesn't seem to have an end to you. Each promotion received would actually make it harder to escape. You become more dependant, and begin to forget how to survive outside the herd.

So let's say you become a vice-president of some bullshit xyz that you aren't TRULY passionate about. Forget the meaningless title, let's be honest there could be a vice-president of a water cooler. Forget the monetary gains don't really drive you. And what is left beyond that? You haven't actually escaped the drift.

Sure it's better then what you have now. Then again you may most likely become more trapped. Also, to you it DOES NOT seem to be the place to put your heart and collective energies. Shouldn't your efforts be devoted to escaping the drift for the rest of your existence on earth? Or should they be used to merely bend yourself, just finding a way to barely survive under the binds of the meaningless?

All Good Deeds Go Punished

My daily trek is well underway. The skies seem scorched in a state of angry gloom. A steady rain ensures there will be no easy commute on this foul morning. I look above to see only a thick blob of all encompassing gray. Straight ahead is a far worse spectacle: a highway blanketed with heaps of metal that drift along uneventfully.

I soon spot an eerie red glow far off towards the horizon. Red orbs begin assembling from this glow. The flaring orbs then multiply at a rapid pace. They continue assembling and advance in a disturbing sequential formation. The unnatural advance deeply sickens me. I seem to be the only one aware of the wave of red rapidly approaching the area of highway I happen to be occupying. Powerless I soon become engulfed by the orbs. In an instant I jolt to a pathetic stop. Thousands of the oppressed are now motionless in the sea of red.

The inhabitants who created this horrid spectacle offer no companionship. In boredom I crack my window. The air is thick and moist. I feel the stench of hopelessness and anger.

I glance to my left and happen to make eye contact through my window with an aggressive middle-aged woman. My accidental eye contact is acknowledged with a fierce glare. It serves me right. By now I should know that when traveling with "The Herd" it is foolish to look anywhere but directly ahead. The best strategy is to act like you don’t exist. You must simply accept that you are only a particle of microscopic matter floating on the massive crest of a collapsing wave. Her look says it all: "embrace your inevitable collapse, and don't fucking look at me".

Still curious by nature I next proceed to glance to my right. I look on in shock as a jeep decides to blatantly cut off a mountain of a sixteen-wheeler. The truck sputters and wobbles barely avoiding a complete catastrophe. The man in the jeep responds by maturely flicking off the truck driver. Clearly this guy is trying to redefine what it means to drive and for that matter act like an absolute fuck-head.

His sporadic fits of road rage illustrate a lashing out in all of the wrong ways. What I saw was simply "the volcano erupting". Any fight he has left to change his course and actually improve his situation will continue to go up in misplaced puffs of rage. I genuinely believe that this subject’s life has taken such an irreversible course that he is trapped forever. I notice the jeep is proudly branded with numerous logos corresponding to the same professional football team. I understand being a fan, but this man’s obnoxious loyalty represents a much deeper issue.

Let’s just say what religion did to control the peasants thousands of years ago is comparable to what the National Football League is doing to this particular member of The Herd. One may wonder why the peasants of old didn’t rebel with every waking minute of their existence. Sure after decades of oppression they would sometimes band together against their evil overlords, though the desperation infused resistance was usually squashed into the ground with little effort. Or why didn’t they pack up and become barbarians? A huge part of it was religion. Many of the peasants thought if they lived a “respectable” existence they could reach heaven and at least find peace in death.

And why does the road-raging fool next to me trudge through his boring uneventful existence with no attempt to actually improve his situation? Because he can plaster himself to his couch this upcoming Sunday and follow the NFL 12 hours straight. All the while he can shovel trash down his throat the entire duration. Hell, maybe he can even drink himself even more retarded at the same time. Welcome to the “religion” of the 21^st century. Well at least it’s more entertaining.

With no comfort to my left or right I decide to glance straight ahead. A flashing light below my dashboard indicates one of my brake lights is out. This light indicates danger. I know all to well that causing this anomaly in the otherwise uniform sea of red is not only socially unacceptable, but downright illegal. I could very well receive a ticket.

What seems like an eternity later my vehicle finally stops and I step onto the desolate parking lot. Large droplets of water smash relentlessly against the pavement. It is down-pouring, but I opt not to use the umbrella as a shield to protect me during my half mile walk to work. I do not feel I've earned the right to be spared. Besides I figure I will have 10 hours to dry off sitting at my desk all day, might as well embrace Mother Nature’s fury for a while. My walk turns to farther chaos as hordes of stalled idiots continue to frantically pound their horns, powerless to alleviate their misery in any way. The incessant blares continue as a forgotten side street is crossed. It has now become a stream due to the excess water. The stream is carrying trash farther into the depths of the city.

Soaked and covered in filth, I soon reach the entrance of the massive skyscraper. An observant onlooker would wisely note that the filth does seem fitting. Entering the building I feel a spark of anger surge in the pit of my stomach. How has it come to this? The fear of carrying this burning suffering for decades to come with no purpose.

Searching for a justification I somehow reason that I am in fact in a unique situation. I am engulfed by the flawed system, and even dependant on it in a way. However, I am not fully corrupted. If only my opposition could be directed towards a change from within. A way to smash the very structure by means of an enlightenment so glorious that the very steel supporting this structure would seem to disintegrate. To save one person from a daily misery could indeed make my existence worthwhile.

Propelled by this fanciful shred of hope I continue walking towards the lobby. Of course some guy happens to be trailing several lengths behind me. I am well aware of his presence; I have caught a glance of his figure in the reflection in the glass door I am approaching. I could even hear his pacing if I were to stop. I make sure my body language does not give away the fact that I am very aware of his presence. I could hold the glass door for him, but at this point I'm in a really bad mood. Also: It would delay me, he wouldn’t do it for me, it’s not my obligation, he’s a herd member, and by the way screw him.

In a split second I reasoned that there was no way that the man could determine with 100% certainty that I actually knew he was behind me. I used this logic as an excuse to relieve myself of the social obligation of holding the door. I had chosen not to embrace the stranger’s entrance into the lobby. So without looking back I gave the door a laughable jolt and continued on my path. The jolt did not hinder the man, but it helped him in no measurable way.

I soon reached the golden row of elevators and promptly lunged through the first and only set of doors that happened to be open. The same man was not far away in the overall scheme of things, but just far enough to remain a factor. If I were to allow the elevator door to shut without interference the man would not be in time to share the same elevator with me on his ride upward. Even worse, he could know that I purposely decided not to hold the elevator for him.

I started to reason: well what are the chances I ever see this man again? And it is doubtful he even saw my face. Furthermore, he may not even work for the same company. And hell, maybe he will decide that I honestly didn’t even know he was behind me. But I DID know he was there, so wouldn’t it be sort-of cruel to let the doors slam a mere foot in front of him? Yes it would, but there is another factor. Perhaps if I show mercy to this one man it could start an infestation. Soon the masses could begin mindlessly pouring into the same elevator. You think I would be used to such a situation by now, but not the case. At this point the thought of sharing an additional 55 seconds with a mass of human drones was still beyond atrocious to me.

The massive doors began closing. Without explanation I decided to stick my hand out at the last possible second; there were only about 3 inches of space left. I was lucky the doors didn't rip my arm off. My act of mercy resulted in the doors loudly jolting open. The middle-aged man muttered a quick "thank you" as he entered. I was heading to the 11th floor. The stranger pushed the 8th floor button.

Just as the elevator stopped on the 8th floor the man turned to me and firmly said:

"All good deeds go punished"