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Monday
Apr062015

Road Rage and Columbus (4/1/2015)

An unthinkable rage towards the average motorist in your local town or city may seem to flow naturally at times. They are simply an obstacle preventing you from accomplishing your daily errands, which you weren't thrilled about attempting in the first place.

However, you may find it awfully hard to feel anger towards your fellow motorist traveler when driving long distances on a highway. You find yourself respecting this type of human. He’s taking his own proud journey along side you; bravely navigating the endless stretches of pavement ahead. Your combined travels seem to have more of a meaning then that of the common ‘city dwelling’ motorist. You have the long-distance motorist’s back! If the Hells Angels began harassing that 1996 Buick up ahead to your right you would damn sure call for some help at a minimum. You are both traveling incredible distances for a justified cause. It is only makes sense that you would look out for each-other.

If you don’t think successfully traveling 180 miles in 3 hours is incredible I would argue that your species could very well have a somewhat selective short-term memory. 

Your journey really is a feat. Imagine the year is 1492 and you just barked at Christopher Columbus over a few beers: ‘I will successfully cover 180 miles of distance in 3 hours sometime next Tuesday.’

He would respond by immediately beating you with his bible. He would then steal all of your gold. Shortly after, he would kill most of your family members. But don’t worry it’s not personal, the foundations will be set in place for the next few generations of pale faced bastards to irrevocably ravage your lands that were wild and beautiful for the past 200 million years+

Rest assured, it won’t all be bad. Your descendants will have guns and horses introduced to their society. Enjoy the horses!

What is a horse you ask?

Well it’s a fast four legged herbivore mammal that’s about 3,000 pounds of pure muscle. Oh it also has a brain that is inexplicably the size of a single red gummy bear. You can train it to transport you places, but diaper-training is apparently beyond the neurological ‘pay-grade’ of a horse.

Also rest assured that the ghost-faced lineage of Columbus will ensure that no human on this continent will ever have to tangle with a wild buffalo again. The buffalo will become about as rare as a Minotaur in the wild after the next five hundred years or so. Why? Well buffalo tenderloin tastes good enough to drive this ‘wrong place at the wrong time’ species to the brink of extinction.

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