It Could Be Worse

I decided I might as well blow off the corporate machine for the day. Best use the would be wasted time for a day of travel. This way I will have at least two full nights in Manhattan that are in no way disturbed by my company. Two nights surrounded by family and incredible people. Self made people who have pursued their passions and in turn ended up in one of the most premier destinations in the world. In life I find the destination is ultimately irrelevant, but in this case we find perhaps the largest percentage per capita of what I like to call "successful journeyman." Talented individuals that have followed their journey to the fullest extent, which happened to land them exactly where I am heading this weekend. I can't consider myself one of those individuals yet, and I might never be able to. However, I respect and envy them to the highest degree.

Fate has it that I happened to pick a miserable day for travel. The sky is an angry grey with blotches of cumulus formations that sporadically shift. A mere spot of brightness can barely be seen in the far stretches of grey. A faint reminder that a battle was somewhere lost, and the sun's energy has been entirely vanquished by the darkness of this day.

I happened to arrive early for the bus on this foul morning. I reason the bus indeed travels this path. I came to this conclusion only by noting a pathetic slanted sign which reads: "DOUBLE HAPPYNESS TRAVEL, INC." The sign is a structure of inorganic irony, surrounded by gloom and a deep pit of mud. Most here aren't so happy right now, much less "double happy." The rain is intense, and the wind is equally fierce. Incredible a company as powerful as DOUBLE HAPPYNESS TRAVEL, INC would opt not to build some sort of crude structure by their bus stop to at least protect their valuable customers from the elements.

I guess it's just always a sunny day at DOUBLE HAPPYNESS TRAVEL. I strongly believe they don't understand bad weather like the logical person, that simply does not compute. It's not that they don't care about their customers, it's just the concept of rain itself at such a "happy" bus stop was inconceivable to the great founder of Double Happyness Travel.

But I do not hate the founder of Double Happyness. I not only respect this great man, I embrace and understand him. If somebody told me it wasn't sunny at my favorite beach I would call them a fucking liar. I would refuse to believe that my beach of choice could be cold or miserable in any way. This is why if I feel like going to a beach located in the Northeast region of the United States in December, I'm damn sure going to still go. And you damn sure won't stop me with your futile logic.

You can bitch at me that it's snowing and 20 degrees outside, but in my mind it's always going to be sunny and 90 degrees at that damn beach. Blanketed with topless girls that should be modeling in a fashion capital somewhere. These girls will also be somehow hopelessly without a boyfriend and throwing themselves at me. So I will be going to my "beautiful beach." That beach is all I have and don't think for one second that you or any other fuck-head possesses the power or logic to take that gift away from me.

I'm not even going to say the beach to me is exactly a state of mind or the state of the bus stop at Double Happyness should be viewed from a relative state of mind. No fuck that, it isn't that simple. This isn't 5th grade, there isn't a simple point or logic for your pleasure. It is 90 degrees at my beach in December. It's state has transcended to a point where it's physical existence has been forever transformed. Likewise, it's always sunny at Double Happy's bus stop, so there's no need to EVER put up shelter.

Lost?

Good, screw off to somewhere else then.

Anyways, I'm still standing outside at this incredibly happy bus stop in some heavy rain and wind. I'm carrying some luggage with both arms, have a sharp pain in my shoulder, and I'm god damn drenched. I don't have an umbrella since I consider that to be a cowards way out. It's ok because I was in a mood to embrace some madness today, even if it comes in the form of rain and wind. Being stuck in an office a week straight will put you in this sort of mood. This logic may ruin my clothes and luggage, but I'll have a good pick up line while dressed in rags at the bar tonight, so maybe it will all balance out.

I briefly think about where I SHOULD be right now, or what I would NORMALLY be obligated to do. Oh right, I would be rotting in a box within a steel skyscraper surrounded by bull-shit somewhere.

I can honestly say that I would rather be standing out here getting blasted by wind and rain with this chronic pain in my shoulder. For that matter, I think I would rather be dropped off forced to camp secluded in the middle of a frozen tundra, left with only ice fishing equipment for survival. Even if I've never ice fished, even if there wasn't ONE FUCKING FISH swimming under me within a 100-mile radius.

I would rather be trekking through an uncharted stretch of jungle, even if my only ticket out was proof that I slayed a mythical lion, which I had to present to the nearest war chief who has a camp 300 miles away. Even if I was told the war chief probably doesn't EVEN EXIST. Even if I first somehow accepted the fact that there was indeed a mythical lion prowling around out there, and I convinced myself that I could actually formulate a plan to slay it.

I would rather be dropped off god knows where in the middle of the most dry desert on Earth, being told I can save myself only if I kick a random cactus that is located somewhere within a 100 miles radius. Even if I was told that the cactus might respond by revealing the entrance to a secret city that could save my ass. EVEN IF the catch was that this amazing city might not EVEN EXIST.

I would rather attempt to catch the Loch Ness Monster using only a small Fisher Price fishing net. Even if the mother fucker did happen to exist.

My "I would rather" train of thought is soon broken up by the arrival of a massive juggernaut of a bus with "DOUBLE HAPPY" stupidly branded across it's side. I enter and almost immediately notice that there is a leak in the roof. How does this happen? Oh right, I've covered this, why would DOUBLE HAPPY check the roof for leaks? It doesn't rain, it's always happy and sunny outside in the mystical land of Double Happy Inc, remember?

I'm sure during the next stop someone will sit next to me that hasn't showered in three weeks. She will also scream something at me in Ebonics if she notices I'm indeed writing about her. And someone behind me will without a doubt bring their screaming fucking baby along for the five hour bus ride. But what do you want for $20?

It could be worse.

12 Signs It's Time to Leave Corporate (Part VII)

1) In response to the low cut cubes, you began building a wall of coke cans.

This will at least give you some privacy on one out of the four sides.

2) You have recently vowed to rebel against any cube you are forced to work in that infringes upon your personal space.

A simple, but noble strategy: if they force walls upon you, tear them down. If they refuse to offer you walls, construct your own.

3) You have nicknamed a co-worker nerdtron at least once during the past two months.

You are forced to see nerdtron everyday.

4) Your printer is named "PRT-10,000" and it amuses you greatly.

Out of all the printers on your corporation's worldwide network this printer happened to draw the name PRT-10,000.  This is the terminator of all printers. What an incredibly kick-ass name for a printer. No matter how terrible your life or job is at least you can say that your group alone has the honor of working with the:

TEN!

THOUSANDTH!!

PRINTER!!!

WOOOO WOOOO WOOOT YAH BABY!

5) You have given a sacrifice to PRT-10,000 at least once during the past month.

This month it was a pencil smashed into hundreds of pieces and placed in the tray. Only a fool would refuse to give a fair monthly sacrifice to PRT-10,000.

6)  A nosey co-worker has leaned over looking at your monitor and asked "what's A Vortex of Hate?" at least once during the past week.

Oh nothing don't worry about it, just go back to being a corporate tool.  Unlike your corporate job, sucking up to "A Vortex of Hate" will get you nowhere.  It's far beyond your primitive understanding of the world.

7) The restrooms on your floor require a pass code to enter.

You can't just swipe your card. You actually have to pound in a random 4-digit password. This has to be the most unnecessary use of a password you have ever seen. This floor is so crowded that you wouldn't have to wait more then 30 seconds for another person to come by and open the restroom door. If someone wanted to sneak into our disgusting miserably crowded bathroom they damn sure wouldn't have a problem.

Hold on there is an even better idea. Why don't you charge employees a quarter to use to restroom? Replace the access code with a quarter dispenser.

You know you want to you cheap fucks.

8) Yesterday you had to update the name of a billing contact.

His name was "Bradley Bones." WHAT A BAD-ASS!

9) You have never met Bradley Bones.

He's probably not even a bad-ass. You bet he's one pathetic human being.

10) You have heard a co-worker use the phrase "HUNKY-DORY" at least once during the past year.

"Ok so let's just make sure everything is hunky-dory before we send it out."

Three reactions bounce across the depths of your mind:

Reaction 1:  Excellent job. You somehow not only found, but incorporated the most laughable piece of slang into your everyday vocabulary. It is truly tough to find slang so pathetic that it is somehow acceptable for everyday corporate use.

Reaction 2:  Please explain to me the origin of this idiotic phrase? There is no way in hell you can.

Reaction 3:  I refuse on principle to advocate anything reaching a state of hunky-dory.

11) You begin thinking of an acceptable slang version of the hunky-dory line to present to your boss. 

You almost of feel bad they are such a loser. Isn't it your duty to at least offer them a replacement slang line that would make them look cooler?

You determine that you should indeed come up with an alternate line for your boss. 

So Dear Boss,

The next time you want a report checked for accuracy, instead of:

"Ok so let's just make sure everything is hunky-dory before we send it out."

Consider:

"So Ize be chattin' it up with deez higher ups. We be talkin about how arz main spot be BUMPIN last nite, blazin it up off the charts you know? Then out of nowherez they be all like major sweatin' me on dem reports. So all ize gona say is you best be makin' sure all be straight up or i be CAPPIN your ass...

...NUFF said."

12)  Your corporation keeps trying to block you out of your Gmail account.

This not only angers you, but hinders your ability to accomplish real goals. Are you working in China now? Back the fuck off assholes.

Bananas Bug Me (Ramblings September 09)

You know what bugs me; bananas.  There I said it.

Yesterday I bought two bananas.  The one consumed yesterday was moderately tolerable.  I made the mistake of attempting to eat the second banana one day later.  It was of course all sorts of fucked up on the inside.  I attempted to remove the deformities by cutting off sizable chunks of the shitty banana.  I soon became so disgusted that I heaved the entire fruit in the trash bin.

The taste of the banana BARELY tolerable to me.  Barely tolerable, but for a fruit it tastes just awful.  Fruits are supposed to taste sweet and delicious, not mild and uneventful.  It's most likely the worst tasting fruit on earth.  It is amazing how such a below average miserable fruit could also be comparably fucking needy at the same time.  You eat a banana a day after its purchase and it reverts to a state of rotting mush.  You can store an orange in the refrigerator for a month and it still tastes god damn delicious.  Even the apple tastes much better and stores longer then the banana.

For that matter, at least the apple is somewhat local.  I have seen many apple trees in my day.  I even remember pelting friends in grade school with apples.  Though I never remember boomeranging a fucking banana at some shitty kid I didn't like.  I have never even seen a banana tree in a movie for that matter.  I have begun to question whether or not they really exist.  Where the fuck do bananas even come from?  I don't know check the wiki link above, I didn't feel like looking.  I would assume they come from some underdeveloped country around Central America that was once upon a time decimated by imperialism, which is now reduced to exporting this pathetic fruit.  Can you imagine if your livelihood depended on the success of a banana.  Do you know how much your life would fucking suck?

So a logical being may ask "why do you keep buying bananas?"

Well for starters I am usually on the run and often try to purchase items at random stores that aren't completely terrible for you.  And it usually seems stores around here have an abundance of this particular fruit.  I see a stockpile of fruit and I figure this might even be the stores specialty.  I figure the fruit is really fucking popular or something.  In my book a stockpile of fruit gives the false impression of credibility.  Also, its like if you don't buy one you're a fucking loser or something.  Apparently everyone is doing it, why the hell else would they always have so many in stock to sell?   

Oh and of course the bananas are always "organic."  Wait a minute, THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY THOSE BANANAS ARE ORGANIC.  I REFUSE to believe it.  So you are going to swear by your life right now that this god damn banana sitting on your shit shelf didn't suck up one trace of pesticide?  I wouldn't lie because I'm taking this specimen back to my lab after I leave.  I'm going to come back and TRASH up your store if it fails the tests.  And I know you bought those god-damn "organic" labels off EBay.  I bet you put those stickers on the candy bars as well.  P.S- SCREW YOU CROOKS.

A person once valiantly defended the banana and fired at me: "you have to pick them out right."  Fine this fruit is so god-damn needy there is an art on how to pick it out.  Well lets say I might want to consume two disgusting bananas during the course of the day.  I could buy two shitty yellow bananas, but then I'd have to eat both on the first day.  By the second day the insides turn to filth, so if you don't eat both you are FUCKED.  What if something comes up and I only get to eat one?  Tough luck.  But hell if I know if I'm even going to feel like eating two bananas.  I really have no idea how many bananas I will eat in the next 24 hour period.  These timing issues simply do not work for me, what can I say I'm an unpredictable mother fucker.

The same person also went on to valiantly defend the banana by asking "do you know what fruit has to go through to get to the store?"  Um, no? How the hell would I know?  So you are saying I should express some sort of sympathy and buy the fruit simply because it had a long journey?  That is the WORST fucking logic I have ever heard.  That would be like buying a mound of dog shit that was on the shelf simply because it came all the way from China.  Would you give a girl who is an awful human being a chance just because she came from a country on the other side of the globe?  FUCK ME, don't answer that.

That being said I have a feeling it didn't go through so much to get to the store considering it costs around a dollar, even in an overpriced store.  Oh and by the way I only have two one-dollar bills, so don't even think about charging me one dollar and 15 worthless cents.  I would throw the remaining 85 cents against your wall on principle if you subject me to this.  That is about what I think of your piss annoying change that has been god knows where.  Actually, keep the fucking change, here take TWO DOLLARS.  The fuck do I care?

That's a pretty good margin for selling the most atrocious species of fruit on this planet.

90% Trapped

I sit in my room late on a Sunday night. I'm usually playing poker when I'm sitting in my room, and I usually have a calculator up on my monitor for obvious purposes. My friend sends me an instant message around 11p.m and says “back to the corporate world tomorrow.” Her timing was amusing because I was just dreading going back to corporate tomorrow. I was actually in the process of screwing around with some quick calculations:

There are 120 total hours in the upcoming week. The hours I have to be at work (W) this upcoming week are represented: 8 (hours) x 5 (days) = 40 (hour’s total). So:

W= 40

But that’s just the time I'm required to physically be there. So you have to tack on 1.5 hours multiplied by 5. Since I have to get up and hour and a half earlier (E) each day because of work. Also add 5 more since an additional hour is wasted after work each day, since we must count commuting time (C). Oh wait; there is also a happy hour (H) this week that I don't want to go to. So that takes place one night from 5p.m - 9p.m. That's about 3.5 more hours. Then you figure I should sleep at least once per night.  8 hours of sleep (S) per night would be 40. So:

W+E+C+H+S= 96 (W= 40, E= 7.5, C= 5, H= 3.5, S= 40).

I can approximate that 96 out of 120 hours of the upcoming week will be sucked up because of work. This can also be expressed of 80% of the total hours available in the upcoming week.

Therefore:

80% of my time during the upcoming week must go towards obligations that I have no interest in. 

Wow. 

It amazes me how many people have a corporate job and a serious relationship. I guess they are corporate tools, have temporarily convinced themselves that they like their job, or have given up any sort of other goals entirely. They are 100% trapped. I never understood how this time balance would be possible for me to achieve even if I did meet someone that I could stand (man I better never let someone I'm interested in find out about this site). Maybe if I didn't sleep a night per week? But if your significant other is extremely needy, not even that sacrifice will get you very far. And your significant other will be EXTREMELY needy, it is simply the way of the world. Well I can say from experience: it sure as hell didn't work for me in the past.

Anyways, the remaining 20% leaves me with 24 hours. And those hours aren't even completely mine. You have to consider obligations to friends, others, family, cooking, and even laundry. I would realistically be able to put about half of those hours towards a meaningful goal.

I am 90% trapped.

12 Signs It's Time to Leave Corporate (Part VI)

1) You force sleep upon yourself several nights each week.

You often aren’t even tired at night. However, you decide that forcing yourself to sleep would seem like a “normal thing to do.” The harsh reality is that your job and co-workers have warped your perspective on what constitutes normal. If you aren’t tired, don’t go to sleep. Use the time you feel alert to focus on tasks that you are actually passionate about. Be tired at your miserable job the next day, not the other way around. At least this way you can be tired the next day with some sense of accomplishment.

2) You now hate “happy” hours.

They aren’t happy at all. It’s just another hour that requires you to talk to people that you really have nothing to say to.

3) New positions are usually filled based on “bargain”, not on skill.

For example, if you’re an analyst applying for an associate position within the same company do not even bother. Even if you have proved you deserve a higher pay and status you WILL BE SCREWED. You may be an awesome employee, but you will not be hired because you can be kept at a lower position with less pay. Your company knows that people are reluctant to uproot their lives despite getting underpaid. You can also take solace in the fact that someone from the outside will end up filling the new position that you probably deserve, even if they are clue-less and do a shit job. Additionally, your current manager can put a “block” on you as a last resort. This means your current boss will contact the manager hiring for the new position (manager A). They will agree to deny you the position, so your current manager can continue to suck you for everything you’re worth. In return your current manager will return the favor to the manager A at a later time.

4) You have realized you should never tell your current boss when interviewing internally.

It is wise to remove this logic from your thought process:

“I’m going to tell my boss I am accepting an internal interview. I think it's important I remain honest and respectful. Also, I won’t have any guilt. Besides, maybe she will be more inclined to offer me a promotion since other parties are obviously expressing strong interest, which further proves my value.”

In reality:

It is beyond idiotic to tell a current boss you’re accepting an internal interview. This only gives them time to network and stab your back; ruining your chances of ever progressing. Furthermore, don’t fool yourself into thinking you should be respectful and honest; remember that NOBODY else around you is. Getting others in corporate to appreciate those values would be like sharing empathy with an ant. Do you think the ant has the capacity to appreciate your empathy? Also, nobody is going to feel pressured to give you a promotion in response to another internal manager showing interest. It is much easier to contact the other manger first and simply work out a “block deal" before your interview even begins.

Stab or be stabbed.

5) Guys in the bathroom INSIST on starting conversations as normal as they are pissing in stalls positioned less than a foot away from each other.

What is this a gay bar?

6) It took your company over a year to give you a name-tag.

One day about a year and a half later you come in on a random Wednesday and a name-tag is plastered to your monitor. What nice gesture! After giving your soul for the last 540 days, after being forcefully relocated 3 different times like a farm animal. Well you decided to remove the name-tag after about 4 hours.  You will remain nameless thanks. Let's be honest, any employee who works here is really just a number.

7) The one day you don't shave clean an extremely attractive women shows up to your team meeting.

So your team has this meeting once a week. Half of the time the meeting gets cancelled, it is so uneventful you actually forgot it was occurring this week until an hour before. Well this particular week the most attractive women in the entire 15-story skyscraper shows up to the meeting. The unnamed women has not shown up once during the past four months. Why did she happen to pick this one random week? How the hell does this happen?

8) You waited outside 15 minutes for someone to let you in the building at least once during the past month.

Normally you can't walk in the office door without three cattle nearly "kamakazing" you.  But the one day you forget your access card there isn't a person in sight for fifteen minutes. You could have called a friend to let you in, but the situation was just really amusing.

9) Today is August 17th and you feel like you need a vacation.

Interesting because you have only worked four out of the first 16 days this month.

10) The biggest prick that works for the company has been given the most sizable promotion.

He’s now an even bigger prick.

11) You use a holder for your sunglasses at work.

The holder consists of a single thumbtack that is stabbed against your cube wall. The mass from your sunglasses causes the thumbtack to pathetically slant.

12) You can make more money playing poker.

You have proved this statement as fact.  Equally important, you would be happier playing poker.  The only thing left to do is to get extremely motivated, work towards playing full-time, and become your own man again.