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My Iphone’s Revenge (10/31/2016)

Fantastic rays of sunlight were pouring in through my windows as my eyes began adjusting to the real world known as Halloween Monday 10/31/2016.  It had been a long sleep; yet it was time to battle for much was at stake on this day.

I knew I had to be in court at 12:30 p.m in Philadelphia. 

My house and amazing bed is located about an hour away; along an expansive stretch of woods somewhere relatively close to Atlantic City; but not ‘too close’!

This was a serious charge of an ‘alleged DUI’ which was ‘generously’ given to me about a week ago as I attempted to pass through the state of Pennsylvania; despite the fact that I haven’t had a drink in three weeks; let’s just say it’s been many moons since I’ve enjoyed drinking alcohol.  Either way, it didn’t change the fact that I was given a very black and white charge and had to appear for pre-sentencing on this very day.

I knew my life here on Earth depended on making this court date.  So I set two different alarms on my Iphone 6s: one for 8:30 a.m and one for 9:30 a.m.

Yet something wasn’t right; it was far too bright in the room…

I intuitively knew it was no longer morning …

I glanced over at my trusted shark-watch on my dresser which matter-of-factly flashed: ‘12:10 p.m’


In my heart of hearts I knew the shark-watch would never lie.  It is my most trusted source of time. 

This was bad! 

Really really bad!

I flew out of bed in a rage and slid across my carpet to my iphone 6s in about 2 seconds as if I was attempting to slide in to ‘home-plate’ and avoid the ‘catchers tag’.  Good thing all those years of baseball as a kid paid off to save those two seconds!

The phone as always was stupidly positioned across the room in the same place it is plugged in every night.  When I sleep I obviously keep the phone in ‘silent mode’ to avoid getting woken up many times; but the wake-up alarms work in silent mode.



I glanced at the phone and realized in absolute terror that the phone had decided to do ‘an automatic software update’ while I was sleeping without my authorization.  The result was both of my alarms being rendered ineffective.  I began unlocking my phone in pure rage as it prompted me for an ‘Apple ID’ and about 7 other questions before even allowing me to access the phone to make a call as I hit ‘skip now’ which felt like about 30 times.  

I saw about 11 missed messages/calls; many from my family members and friends making sure ‘things were going ok’ and that I was up on time perhaps.  I am notoriously on a late schedule.  With such a late work schedule during the past half-decade consciously deciding to wake up before 10a.m has yielded about the same likelihood as being attacked by a Megladon** on my next fishing trip.

Keep in mind I don’t even own a boat!

This however was an attack more devastating than any Megladon could inflict on my non-existent boat; the Iphone had enacted its most glorious revenge with deadly precision.

I have owned an Iphone for well over 4 years.  I’m very aware that software updates must be stupidly completed for no reason (other then to torture the customer who just paid $600 for your phone) with increasing frequency, but never once had a software update been done without my authorization while sleeping; WHILE THROWING OUT WAKE-UP ALARMS SET.  Yet this is exactly what happened.

I have stated my displeasure for iphones and apple many times.  Two weeks ago I threw my Iphone 5s out of a window while driving as I planned to get a new phone since the battery had suddenly stopped working again; for seemingly no reason.  What ever happened to the days where hardware contained a battery that didn’t completely stop working in 1.5 years?

So why was I using the new Iphone 6s which costs over $600?

I was using it for the past week because a family member had generously gifted it to me as he was upgraded to the Iphone 7!  So I figured I could at least use it temporarily until I set up a flip phone which I would use call/text the select group of friends/others who I would actually want to talk to.  The ‘iphone6’ would simply be kept around for an occasional meditation podcasts, poorly constructed map, or to appease an angry mob as they surround myself and a flip-phone.  In that situation I planned to pull the iphone 6 out of my back-pack and scream


I have also relied on my iphone’s alarm clock for many years and have never really had an issue.  It’s somewhat interesting that I originally had a ‘back up third alarm’ set on my shark-watch around 10:40 a.m in case all else had failed; (the first two being on the phone which had turned against me in pure revenge).  However, being an inexperienced shark-watch user I noticed the watch would ‘BEEEEP; every hour with the alarm set; so I turned it off sometime in the middle of the previous night; assuring myself that I needed sleep and two alarms set on the treacherous  Iphone6 would be enough.   

I knew a warrant would be out for my arrest shortly because there was no way I would make this court date.  It was currently 12:13 p.m and the court house was not so conveniently located in one of the ‘jewel cities’ of the capitalistic United States in the heart of Philadelphia; precisely one hour away.  Certainly not as prized as New York, but a formidable spawning ground with a population of 1.5 million and the fifth most populous city in the empire!

I was fucked; game over.

I let out a few screams of rage as I ‘lost’ my iphone in about 1 minute.  My conscious mind had imploded within 2 minutes of waking up; it was no longer making logical sense.  Imagine a panic attack combined with rage.

In the midst of the chaos someone who works for my ‘housing association’ began simultaneously BLOWING LEAVES AROUND with the loudest piece of machinery I have ever heard very close to my front door.  It was piercing; the very foundation of my house SHOOK. 

I immediately considered punching a hole threw my bedroom window with my fist as I screamed directly at him.  However, I had already punched a hole in the same window a week before and it took a while to patch up.  I knew it wasn’t worth patching up or attacking the inorganic glass; and I didn’t want to become known as some sort of strange ‘one pony with the same anger infused trick.’  Not to mention I was a little pressed on time.

I compromised and I screamed at him to go the fuck away at the top of my lungs at my window; but there was nothing to be heard.  I couldn’t even hear myself think.

I knew if I were to be burned alive screaming to my tortured death in this very moment that no one would hear me.  They would only hear the useless drone blowing around the leaf blower with the decibel level of a 12 gauge shot-gun blast….. ONLY THE SHOT-GUN BLAST DOESN’T STOP!  IT’S SPACED OUT and awkwardly circles  your once quiet wooded area; circling endlessly like mentally challenged shark.


Because the housing association hires the same useless tool to ‘blow leaves’ at a set time; regardless of if there are any actually there.  This is why it’s residents are forced to pay $120 per month; for services like this!  It’s the same as a ‘condo association’ it’s not optional.  Pay for our unneeded services or pay $60,000 for a single family home the same size with 3x higher yearly taxes!  The irony is if he was scheduled to perform this nonsense an hour earlier I would have easily woken up and made my court appearance.  It’s useless to think about now anyways; there is only the present.   By the will of the universe this day was not meant to be mine!

I ‘shaved’ in an impossibly quick manner, threw on something ‘business casual’ and was in my car at about 12:18 p.m; but still felt as if I would be ‘dead man driving’.  It was time to at least attempt to go through the motions which I originally intended to perform about 3 hours earlier.  Perhaps I would accidently drive into some sort of ‘space time rift wormhole’ and magically appear before the court house in Philadelphia with 5 minutes to spare!  Or maybe the court was in session a long time and I could still show up an hour late. 

An oppressed human entity of planet Earth can dream right?

I was soon in touch with my lawyer and she knew I was in a very panicked state.  I told her to let the judge know that I had car troubles in route the Philadelphia and I wouldn’t be able to make it until 1:30 p.m if I was lucky.  I told her whatever happens I 100% appreciate her efforts and I know how seemingly doomed I was being late.  I told her regardless it had all ‘been real’ and I will make sure I stay in school and continue to say no to drugs in this life or the next! 

She told me she would see what she could do; at least my hired lawyer would be there!  At least I would get to see if my intuition was correct on choosing her as a lawyer after all.  If she could alleviate this she could save my life…  

All I could think about was how screwed I was.  Not because of the situation, but because I had forgot my most prized chain with a stone and medallion added.  This chain is important to me and a good-luck charm to say the least.

The chain has two major components attached to it:

1)  A tiger’s eye stone

I personally cleansed this stone many times through deep meditations in sunlight and sage to signify order, purity, unity, and strength in this life and the next.    I have a slight connection to this stone you could say; or if you have the spiritual awareness of a paper-clip I would most likely just tell you ‘I think it’s cool’ as you proceed to go on Snap-chat and facebook at the same time for three hours.  Either way I am more empathically connected to this tiny possession than any other I own in this physical world currently.  If only it had an alarm clock right!

2)  A medallion with St. Mary on it forged in Italy  

I’ve never been ‘organized religious’ or even close to it, but I attached this medallion to the chain because it is a gift of love from my mother and has great meaning to me.  Her mother once gave it to her; and she eventually gave it to me as a gift of love. 

It represents unity, passage of time, family, and love.

I couldn’t believe I would be foolish enough to leave this chain in any state; especially in such a chaotic desperate situation.

I soon talked to my lawyer around 12:40 p.m.  She told me to turn around and promptly go back to the woods; there was no point in even continuing my journey to Philadelphia.  The court would be over at 1:30 p.m and no one would be there!

Through a miraculous act the lawyer was granted permission to ‘sign for me’ by the judge.  She also had physical proof that my address was in New Jersey and not even close; which may have saved me.  For the first time in many weeks someone had given me ‘the benefit of the doubt’ and the judge allowed my lawyer to sign for me; warning her I better damn sure be there next time.  If I happened to show up on time it would have been the exact same result.  The judge had decided to not end my life at that moment!  I may have almost had a rage induced panic attack, but at least a warrant wasn’t out for my arrest!

I soon pulled off the highway to a unknown random suburban shopping center.  After exploring and stopping in a few stores I cemented in my mind that the journey would end; I didn’t need to go to Philly; everything was fine; my lawyer was some sort of unicorn of great power.  I had not eaten all day except a few bites of bread; I was starving.  The hunger hit me like an avalanche all at once; I will stop at the next place I saw throwing my normally ‘clean dietary guidelines’ out the window …

It seemed I had worked myself up quite a bit and put in some ‘massive effort’ to end up at Taco Bell eating ‘three hard-shell tacos’ 30 minutes from my house without even entering the borders of Pennsylvania.  I soon noticed I hadn’t forgot the chain; it was in my pocket the entire time!

A girl who worked there soon struck up a second conversation with me during her lunch-break as she took a table alone and mysteriously close to me:

Girl:  ‘So why were you going to court again?’

Me:  ‘An alleged Dui charge’

Girl:  ….

Me:  (understanding what the girl is thinking without her saying anything by reading her eyes, expression and body language without any real word being said from her; for she didn’t know exactly what to say.  But her energy gave it all away and there was no need to say anything.)

Me:  The funny thing is the charge was given to me a week ago, but I haven’t had a drink in three weeks.  And it’s absolutely crazy that I was late as I told you about earlier because of ‘iphone failure x and y’

Girl:  That’s funny the same shit happened to my Iphone this morning.  I had no idea what happened!

Me:  Well I guess the lesson is uh?  Never depend on an Iphone for anything that is of ‘extreme importance; especially if it involves an alarm clock!


Girl: (laughing)

Me:  And my Iphone specifically is apparently ‘the enemy’!!!

Girl:  (laughing more)

You never know what situation you’re going to end up in; but when it comes you can only take it one step at a time and work in the present.  You can’t control what happens always; but you can control how you respond to it for sure.

However, I learned many lessons today and have adjusted my course slightly as a form of ‘torture control’ going forward: 

Adjustment #1

For starters, I’ve purchased a beautiful alarm clock on amazon for $11.97!  It has free two day shipping:

I will never rely on an Iphone or apple product for anything important again in my life.  This was the final straw for me.  I guarantee you the $12 alarm clock will never run out of batteries or randomly spawn a ‘software update’ that results in me missing something very important.

Adjustment #2

I’ve decided to purchase a new flip phone with great reviews that I can trust!  I'ts $27.00 total with free two day shipping and I even shortened the link:

Here you go!

It might not be capable of streaming every social media platform in the known universe at once before the battery explodes in 8 months, but anyone whose companionship means the world to me will be able to reach me here anytime on this new number. 

The most important task of my Iphone 6 will now be to perhaps play a meditation podcast, which I can’t say it’s doing a great job of.  After I returned home today in a state of extreme stress the Iphone went from 60% battery life to ‘0% and instant turn off’ after about 8 minutes into the 15 meditation.

I promptly threw it against my bedroom wall (nice $40 shock case) and decided it was probably best I didn’t look at it for a while.

When I did eventually turn it on let’s just say I wish I wouldn’t have.

Adjustment #3:  new laptop immediately

To replace the old macbook.  I will build it myself or get something that does everything I need for a reasonable price.

My old macbook will be placed somewhere in the house that is slightly visible so that visitors who need access to an apple product every 40 minutes may have a blast without their brain exploding from lack of nonsense.  When that is not going down I will be sure to make fun of this piece of hardware and all of the treachery it represents.   

No apple product you encounter in life is to be feared.  It is only to be understood; or in some cases completely obliterated!

** For those who don’t know what a Megladon was; as I mentioned it earlier!

The Megladon was a shark that reached a length of approximately 59 feet.  It dominated the oceans approximately 23 to 2.6 million years ago.  However, many reports have it going extinct much more recently perhaps a mere 1 million years ago. 


The grey indicates the size of a full grown Megladon below; where the green outline would be that of the modern day great white.  And the human is apparently waving at something!

Reader Comments (1)

At approximately 11:30 p.m on this same day (I kid you not):


Ios 10.1.1 is available for your iPhone and is ready to install

Install Now



Or basically:

Install Now (and eternally waste your time)

Later (click this and install later! Or we will eternally hound you every day. Please note if you click 'later' we will autmatically update your phone while you sleep which will wipe off any sort of wake-up alarms or anything you have schedule; because we fucking suck)

Details (?????????????????????? ARE YOU KIDDING ME BRAH?)
October 31, 2016 | Unregistered CommenterMichael

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