12 Signs It's Time to Leave Corporate (Part VII)

1) In response to the low cut cubes, you began building a wall of coke cans.

This will at least give you some privacy on one out of the four sides.

2) You have recently vowed to rebel against any cube you are forced to work in that infringes upon your personal space.

A simple, but noble strategy: if they force walls upon you, tear them down. If they refuse to offer you walls, construct your own.

3) You have nicknamed a co-worker nerdtron at least once during the past two months.

You are forced to see nerdtron everyday.

4) Your printer is named "PRT-10,000" and it amuses you greatly.

Out of all the printers on your corporation's worldwide network this printer happened to draw the name PRT-10,000.  This is the terminator of all printers. What an incredibly kick-ass name for a printer. No matter how terrible your life or job is at least you can say that your group alone has the honor of working with the:

TEN!

THOUSANDTH!!

PRINTER!!!

WOOOO WOOOO WOOOT YAH BABY!

5) You have given a sacrifice to PRT-10,000 at least once during the past month.

This month it was a pencil smashed into hundreds of pieces and placed in the tray. Only a fool would refuse to give a fair monthly sacrifice to PRT-10,000.

6)  A nosey co-worker has leaned over looking at your monitor and asked "what's A Vortex of Hate?" at least once during the past week.

Oh nothing don't worry about it, just go back to being a corporate tool.  Unlike your corporate job, sucking up to "A Vortex of Hate" will get you nowhere.  It's far beyond your primitive understanding of the world.

7) The restrooms on your floor require a pass code to enter.

You can't just swipe your card. You actually have to pound in a random 4-digit password. This has to be the most unnecessary use of a password you have ever seen. This floor is so crowded that you wouldn't have to wait more then 30 seconds for another person to come by and open the restroom door. If someone wanted to sneak into our disgusting miserably crowded bathroom they damn sure wouldn't have a problem.

Hold on there is an even better idea. Why don't you charge employees a quarter to use to restroom? Replace the access code with a quarter dispenser.

You know you want to you cheap fucks.

8) Yesterday you had to update the name of a billing contact.

His name was "Bradley Bones." WHAT A BAD-ASS!

9) You have never met Bradley Bones.

He's probably not even a bad-ass. You bet he's one pathetic human being.

10) You have heard a co-worker use the phrase "HUNKY-DORY" at least once during the past year.

"Ok so let's just make sure everything is hunky-dory before we send it out."

Three reactions bounce across the depths of your mind:

Reaction 1:  Excellent job. You somehow not only found, but incorporated the most laughable piece of slang into your everyday vocabulary. It is truly tough to find slang so pathetic that it is somehow acceptable for everyday corporate use.

Reaction 2:  Please explain to me the origin of this idiotic phrase? There is no way in hell you can.

Reaction 3:  I refuse on principle to advocate anything reaching a state of hunky-dory.

11) You begin thinking of an acceptable slang version of the hunky-dory line to present to your boss. 

You almost of feel bad they are such a loser. Isn't it your duty to at least offer them a replacement slang line that would make them look cooler?

You determine that you should indeed come up with an alternate line for your boss. 

So Dear Boss,

The next time you want a report checked for accuracy, instead of:

"Ok so let's just make sure everything is hunky-dory before we send it out."

Consider:

"So Ize be chattin' it up with deez higher ups. We be talkin about how arz main spot be BUMPIN last nite, blazin it up off the charts you know? Then out of nowherez they be all like major sweatin' me on dem reports. So all ize gona say is you best be makin' sure all be straight up or i be CAPPIN your ass...

...NUFF said."

12)  Your corporation keeps trying to block you out of your Gmail account.

This not only angers you, but hinders your ability to accomplish real goals. Are you working in China now? Back the fuck off assholes.