Tales of the Tree

One morning as you enter your floor you notice something is different.  An enormous tree has been placed directly next to your cube.  You find it odd that such an enormous tree would be placed only next to your cube without warning.  The tree is literally hanging about a foot over your cube.  It is not only misplaced, but directly violating your personal space.  The first few days you nervously look over because you think the figure of the tree is an actual human being standing over you.  You then realize that the tree actually provides you with some cover.  People can't see what you are doing as easily!  But soon you understand not all is good.  This is no ordinary tree.  You begin to sense you are in immediate danger and the tree is ready to attack.

You begin brainstorming on different ways the tree could attack you:

1)  A random attack.

Some loser walks by and the tree lunges out and decks him.  You try to hold it back, but the tree throws you across the room.  Of course you get blamed for everything.

2)  Inappropriate email.

The tree sends an inappropriate email to your boss with your address on it.  When your boss returns from vacation she starts pounding you.  The tree jumps in and joins in on the beat-down of the century.

3)  An unexpected visitor.

You return to your house after a late night of drinking.  To your dismay the tree is positioned directly in front of the door.  Problem is that you need to access the entrance to go to sleep.  You begin reaching to move the tree.  It immediately grows arms and beats the living hell out of you.

4)  A meeting at the docks.

You are vacationing.  You happened to stumble out onto the docks wasted.  It is very late.  An eerie tree is positioned in the middle of the docks.  You drift towards it.  You happen to gaze into the strange shadow.  The tree cuts you off and begins making conversation.  There is no visible mouth, but the sound seems to be produced from within.  The voice is deep and booming.

Tree:  "So..... excellent night for a stroll"

Me:  "Yah it's not bad I guess"

(Pause)

Tree:  "The moon is QUITE bright this evening"

Me:  "I guess so.  Actually I think it has about an average level of brightness"

Tree:  "QUITE BRIGHT"

Me:  "look whatever I'm out of here"

The tree proceeds to pound you into the docks before you can escape.  The beating of a lifetime.

5)  An inevitable build-up.

I sit at my desk frustrated at an insignificant occurrence.  Randomly I look over and smack the limb of the tree and say "stupid tree".

About five minutes I stand up and begin walking away.  The tree grows arms, grabs me from behind, and starts pounding me into submission.

At the same time it is somehow yelling at me: "HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, DOESN'T FEEL SO GOOD DOES IT?  YOU THINK I LIKE SITTING HERE LISTENING TO YOU LOSERS ALL DAY??? SCREW YOU, SCREW YOU MAN"

6)  A dark room.

It is Friday.  You decide to leave at 4:55 p.m (5 minutes early).  As you begin walking away your boss calmly initiates conversation

Boss:  "So sneaking out early today!"

Me: "Haha YOU GOT ME, just kidding.....!"

Boss:  "No worries, hey is it ok if I quickly talk to you in that pitch black room at the end of the hall before you leave?"

Me:  "Sure.... I guess that's fine.  See you there in five?"

Boss:  "Great"

You soon enter the pitch black room.  The door instantly slams behind you.  Through the darkness you can just make about the outline of a tree.  The following beat-down is of epic porportions.  Your screams can not be heard.

7)  Attempted Suicide.

The three new people who have just moved behind you are beyond annoying.  They are annoying to an extent where you sometimes have to get up and walk away for a 5 minute breather if you forgot your iPod.  The tree feels the same way.

One day in the almost silence of your floor the tree pulls out a gun and shoots itself in a desperate attempt to escape the rambling by the three idiots behind you.   The floor evacuates in terror.  Leaves are scattered everywhere. 

Of course you are taken into custody and fired (being the closest to the tree).  Your final statement is given before a judge:

"I did not fire the gun.  Look I'll admit........ the tree and I had our drama I'm not going to lie.  But I would never wish that on anyone."

8)  Forgotten Ipod.

You mutter under your breath curses because you forgot your ipod.  In the dead silence the tree somehow acquires an iPod and begins strangling you.  As you breathe for air it begins walloping you. All the while yelling:

"HERE IS YOUR IPOD YOU WHINEY BITCH.  CAN WE SHUT UP NOW MAN? CAN WE SHUT THE HELL UP?"

9)  Forgotten Access Card.

You curse your fate.  You have seemed to misplace your access card.  On your way out you realize your access card is in the dirt of the tree.  You reach for the card.

Your hand is suddenly grabbed and a beat-down follows.

10)  Forgotten Umbrella.

You enter your cube soaked.  Under your breath you mutter: "should have brought a damn umbrella".

About five minutes later in dead silence the tree pulls out an umbrella out of nowhere.  Before you can flee you are hammered with great force.

11)  Fire Attack!

Out of no where you here at "WOOOOOSH."  The tree has somehow caught or lit itself on fire and simultaneously begins attacking you.  After the beat-down you awaken to realize all the equipment on the floor was ruined.  You are of course blamed for the fire.  Not only are you badly beaten and burned, you are in jail.

12)   An act of mercy.

It is about 2p.m.  Out of nowhere you hear a loud "KABOOM".  The tree has fallen over, dirt is everywhere.  After debating for several minutes you decide to help the tree out.  You first clean the dirt up.  You then go to lift the tree up.  It thanks you by pulling you down and giving you the ass-kicking of a lifetime.

13)  An attack from the skies!

About mid-day you notice the tree is no longer hanging over your cube.  You look around, but don't see it anywhere.  You assume that the tree was moved by someone this morning and you simply didn't notice.  Around 3p.m you hear an eerie "creeek" from above.  You continue working unphased.

Five minutes later the tree comes crashing through the ceiling and lands directly on your head.  Paralyzed you are powerless to defend yourself from the tree's continued onslaught.

14)  An occurrence at a bar.

It is Saturday.  You are happy to be out and away from the dangers of the tree.  You spot two cute girls from across the bar.  Soon conversation is initiated.  After about 5 minutes the tree comes out of nowhere and PUSHES you aside.  The tree responds to your confused glance by crushing you into the ground.

15)  An unlikely alliance.

It is about 2:30 a.m.  As you are driving you notice that the tree is slumped over on a bus stop bench.  It is quickly concluded that the tree has been drinking heavily.  You somehow feel sorry for the tree that has caused you so much pain.  You decide to give the tree a ride:

You: "Hey man, GET IN."

Tree:  "NO MAN.... forget it, forget it, I'm fine."

You:  "Come on dont be like this, you're going to get in trouble, just get in."

Tree:  "BUT IT'S NOT FAIR!"

You:  "It can't be that bad man just get in.  We will work it out."

Tree:  "Alright alright........"

The tree falls across your back seat.  As you drive you calm your former adversary down.  To your shock you end up dropping the tree off and exchange numbers.  You agree to go out together the next night.

The Next Evening:

Everything is going great.  You're getting along with the tree!  You stumble into a bar as the tree proceeds to buy rounds of shots.  Across the bar you spot two cute girls.  You decide to slip off and initiate conversation.   After about 5 minutes the tree comes out of nowhere and pushes you aside.  It then begins dancing with the two girls.  You then smack the trees limb and make your thoughts known: "HEY, that's messed up man".

The tree responds by launching you over the bar.  It then leaps over and continues the steady onslaught.