12 Signs It's Time to Leave Corporate (Part IX)

1)  For some reason you have agreed to go to a "team dinner" at least once during the next month.

You have been here almost two years and have not once gone to a team dinner. Even when you used to work for a boss you kind of respected as person, never a dinner. You may have used to go out and get trashed occasionally with your old boss, almost like a real friendship. But this upcoming situation is just FRIGHTENING.

They must be up to something....

"Enjoy the dinner, mandatory Saturdays starts next week."

?????

2)  You still can't decide if you prefer packing a lunch or buying a lunch.

Ok you normally prefer buying a lunch because you get to escape some. However, both options grow more and more unappealing with each passing day.

3)  You sometimes make comments about conversations that go on around you, even if they don't concern you.

Girl talking to another co-worker: "So me and my boyfriend were there with a group of friends and................"

Hold on hold on, before you go any further:

A)  You have a boyfriend? Wow that sucks for him.

B)  You a friend?

C)  You have a GROUP of friends?

D)  Get the hell out! Have I stumbled into the twilight zone?

Ok for the record maybe it is my business to be an asshole. If I can clearly hear it I'll make it my damn business.

4)  You often don't say these negative comments out loud.

They just flow through the currents of your subconsciousness like a stream. You can't stop the negative flow, even if you wanted to.

5)  This is the 100th sign it's time to leave corporate.

WHY HAVEN'T YOU LEFT CORPORATE?

WHY I ASK?

6)  The pass code you created to log into your network is "8th floor rebellion xyz."

You work on the 8th floor.

7)  You have envisioned a legendary battle taking place on your floor between The Tree and the PRT-10,000 (see Part VII sign #4) at least one time during the past month.

You are betting the tree will shock the world; defeating the PRT-10,000.

8)  You just placed a bet WITH YOURSELF on a battle that will "eventually take place" between two objects that have NEVER even proven to have fighting ability outside the realms of your imagination. Oh one of the objects is also inorganic.

Congrats, you are now LEGALLY insane.

9)  Your department values face-time over actual productivity.

So if there is no work to do for a week, you are still absolutely expected to come in for that entire week and rot at your desk for a minimum of 8 hours per day. Your boss seems to think that this will make it look her group is important. However, the problem isn't just your group. In reality, all of the departments are nearly EQUALLY worthless. The theme of "horrendous allocation of resources" can be seen running rampant again and again; company wide.

10)  You noticed a small spider on your desk this morning, but you spared it's life; letting it slowly crawl away.

When you see a spider in your basement you instinctively destroy it. But here at work, you have adapted a policy of sparing spiders that happen to crawl around. Whatever evil plans they have in mind you could care-less, as long as those evil plans stay within the confines of your corporate building. You find yourself routing for the spider to create problems and hopefully chaos for your employers. That's right buddy, go crawl off and reproduce.  Start a fucking spider infestation for all I care.

11)  You have time to briefly outline your true thoughts on spiders:

For the record, you don't think highly of the spider. Spiders are vampiric, blood-sucking, arachnid, DEVILS. If the spider ever advanced as a species it would enslave the human race and decimate us without second thought.

They may have a reputation for being beneficial to ecosystems and the human race because they eat insects that are "harmful" to us. But DON'T believe the hype. 

These creatures are simply waiting for their moment to strike. I don't support the trapping of any living being in a webbed cocoon, left to wait until their mass is drained by an eight-legged fanged abomination. As a child playing in the wilderness I sometimes stumbled upon ants or other insects trapped in foul spider webs. Well I would free the insect and slay the spider if it happened to be around. 

To this day I feel confident in my ability to kill insects that threaten me without the evil spider's help. Don't for one second be stupid enough to think the spider is "working for you", or that it wouldn't trap you in that same gruesome web if it happened to evolve a few foot bigger.

Thankfully it's size has been limited by a natural order of evolution (so far), but the world as we know it would be very screwed if this was not the case. So go ahead and keep sparing spiders that you come across. One day when an eight-foot arachnid jumps you in a dark alley you will have NO ONE to blame but yourself. But at least you will take solace in the fact that the eight-foot bastard will surely kill all those horrible rats; RIGHT DUMB ASS?

12)  You sometimes crush honey.

You never really had a thing for honey. You just get so bored at work that you often find yourself experimenting with random shit that makes no sense. For example: "I wonder what would happen if I put a half a bottle of honey in my tea?" Last week you put so much honey in your tea that you began envisioning what would have happened if you accidentally knocked the cup all over your desk. You envisioned swarms of angry bees showing up out of nowhere to demand back what is rightfully their honey. Who let them in? How the hell would I know? All the while the co-worker next to you might see the entire scenario unfold. The guy is obsessed with honey, you know he is the one who uses the other half of the honey that is put in the kitchen. A great honey-war could arise out of the voids of nothingness between you, the bees, and your bitch co-worker.

Comments

[Bridget Forney]

5) This is the 100th sign it's time to leave corporate.

WHY HAVEN'T YOU LEFT CORPORATE?


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