12 Signs It's Time to Leave Corporate (Part VIII)
1) You have realized you will receive a promotion faster if you become a complete idiot.
You have witnessed it several times. Manager's will be more willing to allocate additional responsibilities and promote someone if they are a complete idiot. This is because the managers themselves are not very intelligent, so they feel less threatened by a fucking moron that they can use as a corporate tool. So if you want to be promoted try pretending you have a very low IQ for a few months or so. The trick is to complete tasks successfully while acting stupid at the same time.
2) New job openings are listed under the "benefits" section on your company's website.
Now why in the hell would job openings be grouped under the benefits section? A benefit is something GOOD you receive. An example of a benefit would be providing an employee with dental or health insurance. Your incorrect categorization implies that it is some sort of privilege to even be able to look at your miserable job openings.
That's really funny, but IT'S NOT a privilege. Your job openings are the worst. Employees would be giving you a "benefit" if they were to waste one minute of their time looking at such bull-shit.
3) You have been called out on "access-pirating" at least once during the past year.
Access pirating: The shameful act of passively borrowing ones ability to gain access into a building protected by security code.
Used in sentence: "That punk access pirated me just last week!"
So several weeks ago you happened to lose your employee badge. Therefore, you were reduced to access-pirating until the replacement came in. How else do they expect you to get into the building? It may be your fault that you misplaced the badge, but it's not your fault that it takes corporate a fucking month to produce a replacement. One day a clever individual realized what you were up to and decided to call you out:
"HEY, do you work here?"
"Um yes........"
"Who do you work for?"
"Mrs. Smith; department worthless, same floor."
The individual then rolled her eyes, turned away, and proceeded along her uneventful path.
Are you serious? Ok for starters people enter this floor every 30-second interval. By the time we finish this argument some other guy will come by, so how about I just enter the floor on his card?
Also, why the hell would I want to sneak into this floor? It's 85 degrees and sunny outside, yet it looks like a bat-cave in there. Also, there isn't even anything of value to steal. The microscopic monitors probably cost less than $5 each. They had more powerful computers around during the stone age. The technology in there is so pathetic that I had to bring in my own laser mouse. Every other employee uses a fucking mouse with a ball on the bottom of it. So yah good job you caught me! I was breaking in to steal a bunch of $5 monitors. But I'm a master of disguise. to fit into the corporate world I even dressed in a button down shirt, god-awful boring shoes, SLACKS, and a pathetic belt. I also brought my gym bag, and packed a lunch in a brown bag like a 1st-grader to further try to blend in with the masses and trick you.
ALL FOR THE PURPOSE OF DISGUISING MY MASTER PLAN TO ROB YOUR JOKE-ASS FLOOR OF OUTDATED HARDWARE.
If someone works for security fine, then this sort of check I could tolerate. But this was a worthless corporate employee drone who works on the same floor. She decided it was her duty to be a complete bitch even though she has seen me about 20 times during the last two months. I respect her even less because she was a complete bitch, but didn't go all the way with her beliefs. Don't just roll your eyes and walk away like a coward. I want you to overpower me, slam the door in my face, smash my access-pirate attempt, and call security immediately. UPHOLD YOUR DUTY TO PROTECT ALL THAT IS CORPORATE!
Do not be a half-ass bitch, take a stance for once in your life.
4) The cutest girl in your company's building works at a coffee stand in the lobby.
She isn't 21. But, her boyfriend is obviously over 26 and in a dead-end band. Then again whatever he is doing is a lot more interesting then your stupid job. He might be worthless by some standards, but he tricked a cute girl and is happier than you. At least he can say he is pursuing his dream, even if he has no talent. Even if he is really using his non-existent dream as an excuse to pick up underage girls. Hey wait I think I want to meet this guy! Come to think of it he sounds really fucking cool.
Just kidding....
...........
Ok maybe I'm not kidding.
5) The most heart-to-heart conversation you had with a human being during the past month was with your dentist.
YOUR DENTIST.
6) You noticed the columns on your floor are marked with giant print-out letters.
"I'LL MEET YOU AT COLUMN N."
"COLUMN L IS SO BAD ASS I CAN BARELY BELIVE IT."
What a sad pathetic excuse for a company you work for.
7) You have meetings about nothing.
Every week.
8) Today you realized there is a redeeming quality that your job provides.
Perhaps the most redeeming quality about your job is the ability to write about how much it sucks.
9) You have purchased a banana at least once during the past week.
After writing this post, you have to wonder what the hell is wrong with you. Why do you insist on torturing yourself? Is this a sad attempt to break up your awful day? Big surprise, you threw it in the garbage before you could consume more than half the miserable fruit.
Oh it cost .67, you gave the cashier a $1. You soon realized she was coughing all over the place and had some sort of disease so you told her to KEEP THE CHANGE. She thanked you gratefully. Um yah I didn't actually tell you the keep the change to be nice. I just didn't want to catch a disease. Then again, maybe she played you, maybe that's her strategy. Act sick as hell so everyone just tells her to keep the change. So the next time that you try to sell something and the buyer needs change just start coughing uncontrollably.
10) There is a lady on your floor who's normal voice tone is a SCREAM.
With regards to everything she speaks about work related or not. It doesn't matter, if she's talking she's screaming. Without an Ipod your head would have exploded six months ago.
"OH YAH WE HAD SUSHI LAST NIGHT, IT WAS REALLY GOOD, AWESOME TIME YAH."
"SO WHAT'S UP WITH THE CONVERSION TESTS? NO I AM NOT MAD. THIS IS THE WAY I ACTUALLY TALK. I'M A COMPLETE IDIOT."
11) It continues to amaze you that vice-presidents you work with continue to walk around and act like they are the shit.
First off, there are probably over 500 Vice Presidents in this company. Last time I checked there was a vice-president of the water cooler down the hall.
Bottom line, never in your life were you ever close to being "the shit."
Anyone who trudges around an office 10 hours a day is simply a tool to be used by the corporation.
12) The other day you made a joke and had a casual talk with the girl who works at the coffee stand in the lobby.
She laughed! Great it took you a year and a half to say something to her. So maybe in three more fucking years you can ask for her number.
October 1, 2009 at 12:16 PM
Reader Comments (2)
Stumbled upon your comment a month later, good to hear from you. Einstein would be shunned by bureaucracy for questioning the structure in place. The bureaucracy does not run on talent, wit, and ingenuity; it values flawed attributes. It seems you have found a way to escape and pursue what your our passionate about as a "job". I quote job because what you do is not just a job, it's what you love to do. I maybe know three people in my life who have a job they are passionate about. I'm still fighting to get myself in this position at all costs. I have a plan in place, but it's a rocky road ahead.
-Brandon