12 Signs It's Time to Leave Corporate

1)  You have used the phrase “shoot me an email”.

The only thing I shoot is a gun.  I have instructed my co-worker to hurl me down the nearest flight of stairs if he ever catches me using this phrase.

2)  People in your office using the phrase “shoot me an email” has become tolerable to you. 

It shouldn’t be tolerable now, it shouldn’t be tolerable in the future, and it sure as hell was never tolerated in the past.  I reckon someone should get their ass kicked for “shooting an email”.

3)  Insignificant events become the toast of the town. 

For example, several weeks ago a girl walked by and made the mistake of anciently spilling some ice on the floor.  The next 6 out of 7 people that walked by commented on the scattered ice cubes: “Wow look there’s ice everywhere”, “WOAH, WATCH OUT”, “Wow it’s an ice explosion”.  Actually, 2 different people somehow came up with the same phrase “ice explosion” to describe the situation.  Yes, two different people came up with this idiotic term within a 30 minute span.  I was working a few desks away in horror and disgust. The Ice Age was an “ice explosion”.  An avalanche crushing a house to oblivion is an ice explosion.  If I threw a freezer out of the 11th floor window it may cause a borderline ice explosion.  But 5 scattered ice cubes on the floor is NOT an ice explosion.

4)  A girl on your floor becomes “attractive by comparison”.

The girl screams average, but she is the best looking on the floor.  I wouldn’t say she’s ugly, but when you started your job you didn’t even notice her. After a while you may reason “well I guess I’d hook up with her maybe, she’s ok”.  Now somehow it’s “yah I’d date her”.  If you ever find yourself progressing along this path visit a densely populated club FAST before you lose all sense of perspective.  Your mate will most likely be a terrible person, but they should at least be pretty damn attractive.

5)  You overhear a co-worker bursting out in laughter over someone’s incredibly lame joke.

It wasn’t funny, but it just proved your lives are miserable.

6)  Someone's catchy ring-tone goes off and becomes the highlight of your day.

Jumping out of an airplane would be a legitimate highlight of the day.  Climbing a mountain would certainly be an impressive highlight.  Having a huge party would probably make your day.  Hell, even something as simple as playing tennis a few hours with a friend could make your day.  But a foolish ring-tone should NOT be the highlight of ANYONE'S day.

7)  You now look forward to interacting with the biggest psychopath in the office. 

He may be an unreasonable lunatic, but he at least brings a change of pace.  Hey, and there is always a solid chance that he will flip out and provide an interesting story.

8)  You have used the excuse “I have to get up for work tomorrow” to reject at least two social invitations during the last week.

That’s right “work” is time and time again dictating YOUR plans.  Work should almost never trump social obligations........ EVER.

9)  Happy hour last night was the most fun you had in a month. 

If this was seriously the case I advise you take off a week and go out all 7 nights.  Seriously, you suck.

10)  You find your self slipping into a day dream that involves a violent rampage at least once a week.

You have finally escaped work and clime into your vehicle. Immediately you begin driving 120 mph down the highway.  You zig-zag uncontrollably as mail-boxes and other objects fall victim to your rage.  An explosion erupts behind you as a large stolen printer is kicked out of your passenger side.  The printer is from your office and has now paid the ultimate price for the agony it has caused you over the last year.  Suddenly, you wake up.  You stare ahead at your blank monitor....

11)  You look forward to interacting with inorganic objects around your cube. 

For example, I have a calendar that I look forward to updating every day.  It tells all sorts of ridiculous tales, myths, and legends.  “Fate by creature selection”, “plan a date and lose your cool”, “Nightmare before Christmas”.  The updates have a common theme, they aren't related to "work" or productivity in any way.

12)  You wrote a post about the  “animal cracker man”. 

That’s right; a co-worker’s tub of animal crackers has angered you to a point where you lose sleep over the situation.

Comments

[Bridget Forney]

Try to picture me laughing uncontrollably and falling out of my chair - lol - because that is what is happening right now. 1, 4, 5, 11, & 12 are my favorites! LMAO! LOVE this post.
OMG. you need to write a fricken book. seriously. this is good stuff. LMAO!
xo
B