A Structured Life (1.23.2012)

The date is January 23^rd 2012.  I felt like writing for some reason.  I couldn’t sleep and I have a lot of thoughts bouncing around in my head.  I used to love writing.  Poker has drained some of my drive to creatively write.  I’m not sure why that happened or if it’s normal.

My schedule is beyond fucked.

It is absolutely raped.

The time is 9:05 a.m.

Sounds like a normal time right?

Well for me it’s not.

I normally go to sleep between 4-5a.m.  I usually wake around 1-2 p.m.  I need at least 8.5 hours per night to feel good the next day.  I’ve learned that 9 hours is actually ideal for me.  Most people looking in at my life from the outside would mistake me for a degenerate with no schedule who gambles all night.

I actually think I have a very organized schedule.  It may not be “normal”, but it’s pretty damn consistent.

I’m a professional poker player.  Did I mention that?  It makes sense for me to go to sleep around 5a.m.  99% of my sessions take place somewhere in the range of 7 p.m- 5a.m.  Why not play poker during the day so I can have a schedule like a normal person?  Well that’s a more complicated question than you think.  Here are my top answers:

1)  The best poker games take place after 11 p.m.  By “best” I mean most profitable.  AS in I make the most money when I play poker past 11 p.m.  Why?  You get gamblers past 11 p.m.  The competition is worse so naturally I make more money.  There is always a drunk fool willing to throw away money somewhere in Atlantic City, it’s my job to find him.  You find the worst players past 11 p.m and I can assure you that is fact.

2)  In the past I used to be able to play online, this would negate what I talked about in “#1”.  The great thing about online poker was you could play any time without your profitability really taking a hit.  You could play 8a.m to 3 p.m if you wanted and it really didn’t matter that much.  An online poker player would quickly learn that different time zones across the world can be a beautiful thing.  But none of that matters anymore, the government decided about 6 months ago to attack online poker.  The only real people who got screwed in the situation were the 1% of the poker players who were making a living from online poker.  But no one gives a fuck about that 1%, can’t blame them, when you get down to it no one really gives a fuck about anyone but themselves.  Most people didn’t even know that 1% existed, and the 1% was fine with that.  Then the plug got pulled and that same 1% was like what the fuck man?  And everyone else was like who the hell are you people?  An epic blunder was made by most of the 1%.  They decided to live anonymously, but weren’t willing to die anonymously.  The 1% should have been prepared for the worst.  Somewhere along the way the 1% forgot: If you a chose to live anonymously, you chose to die anonymously.  There are no exceptions.

3)  I’m a night owl.  Always have been, always will be.  And I don’t give a fuck about what most of the world thinks is a normal schedule.  I was forced into a “normal schedule” by society for much of the first 25 years of my life.  Trust me I passed elementary, middle, and high school.  You always had to be at school 8a.m or some ridiculous hour.  As in be at your desk at EIGHT FUCKING 8a.m.  You’ve got to be kidding me right?  No one ever seemed questioned this enough.  Well deep down I bitched about it every day of the 20 years or whatever.  Once I got out of high school the structured life didn’t end.  College still had it’s structure, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as high school.  Unlike high-school, I actually enjoyed college.  I graduated from college.

So off to the real world.  The corporate world….

The real world is much better right?  Well I would argue not really.  Not if you are 95%+ of America.  Take me for example.  I graduated with a Bachelors in business with all the ambition in the world.  I was excited to get my first job, I was excited to start building a life for myself on my own.  I was ready to prove myself and work very hard.  But the structure remained.  I still had to be at my desk at 9a.m every non-eventful day.  Yeah I got paid barely enough to scrape by and survive, at the hands of a treacherous Fortune 500 company that represented all that was soulless and wrong.

But I don’t like waking up at 7a.m.  Did I mention I don’t like to be structured?  Is that so wrong?

Well in the real world, YES, it is apparently VERY WRONG.

If I stayed in corporate I guess I would have to pretty much be at my desk at 9a.m every day until I retired?  So basically every day for the rest of life.  Fuck retiring, who knows if you will ever make it that long.  I would just assume that I wouldn’t make it that long (yes I’m a pessimist, did I mention that?), so in my mind I would have had to be at my desk 9a.m every day until the rest of my life.

After all of my schooling, and 2 years of corporate, I finally found a way to break free and have my own schedule.

Hence, it took me 25 years to have the courage to break free from a “normal schedule”

So with all due respect

Take your idea of a normal schedule…

And explain why it’s necessary or ideal to someone who actually gives a flying fuck.

I prefer being awake 3p.m to 5a.m, thanks mm-kay bye.

As for the gambling all night part, yeah true poker is a form of gambling I can’t argue there.

As for the degenerate part, I would never admit it, but I would take offense being labeled a “degenerate”.  I play poker for 100% of my income.  Yes it’s actually possible, but no I can’t teach you how to play poker and win as much as I do.  For any serious poker player the most dreaded and common question of all time is “can you teach me?”  I’m not trying to be a dick, but teaching you poker would be a full time job.  I don’t have time for an additional full time job at the moment.  And for the record I would not recommend what I do to anyone.  It’s not something you can’t just blindly fall into and succeed.  I’ve pretty much sacrificed two years of my life to playing poker with no guarantee of any sort of return.  I have no idea if I even made the right choice in the long run.  Only time will decide.  Playing poker for a living is the most difficult thing I’ve sort of accomplished in my life. 

Before I decided to go pro I had already logged over half a million hands online with a win-rate.  Even then my decision to go pro was STILL hands down the most difficult choice I ever had to make in my life.  There were VERY few supporters, and for those of you who did think I was crazy but still said “go for it” I thank you.  In a way I owe you my life. 

I remember a conversation with my older brother (one of the only supporters).  He has a great ability to quickly summarize extremely complicated things, where I am admittedly a verbose idiot.  I remember he said: “Well I mean, you aren’t going to die”.  After we exchanged laughter, he continued “I mean seriously, people don’t just like DIE”.  He was completely right, so what is the worst case scenario?  I have a little adventure, I go busto, and get back into corporate?  I’m only fucking up my own life, who cares right? 

My choice was still frowned upon by pretty much everyone outside of the poker community.  An ex girlfriend actually laughed at me, my friends thought I was going off the deep-end, my parents were beyond disappointed and stunned.  I left a stable job that could have provided a reasonable life, I knew damn well a lot of people out there would have killed for my old job, but here I was leaving town to pursue playing poker professionally.  As if that wasn’t stressful enough I had to move to a new state where I literally didn’t know a single person.  I found random roommates on Craigslist.  I had a 10k bankroll to my name and 8 months rent/living expenses set aside, this was going to have to do.

Getting to a point where I was able to even say “win-rate” in the same sentence with “poker” was difficult.  When I first started to get better I would spend days utilizing software to track and analyze every hand I played.  I would take sample sizes of every 50,000 hands I played and cross reference them with the pre-flop statistics of the best players in the world.  If my pre-flop raise percentage from middle position was 20%, but the best players averaged 10% I knew that was probably a leak for example.  I would then seek to FIX the leak during my next 50,000 hands.  I knew I would never be as good as the best players, but my plan was to make damn sure I was at least mathematically in the right ball-park pre-flop.  This was the easy part!  I then realized that in a way the pre-flop statistics meant nothing.  Well not nothing, but very little.  Two of the best players in the world could have drastically different statistics pre-flop with an identical win-rate.  Or two players could have identical pre-flop statistics over 100k hands.  Even with identical statistics player A could be a big loser and player B could be a big winner.  Confused yet?  Trust me I feel your pain.  The best players have a huge SKILL advantage post-flop.  How do you get skill advantage?  There is no one answer.  For me I played a few hundred thousand hands.  I studied my ass off, I worked hard, and hoped to figure it out one day.  I love poker because theoretically there are no short-cuts.

And what did I mean “sort of accomplished in my life?”  Well I pay my bills, have built my bankroll, and save money.  Yes I’ve accomplished surviving and playing poker for a living.  But I won’t actually be satisfied until I’m beating the highest poker stakes in the world.  Will this ever happen?  Probably not.  That’s fine I’ll just most likely never be satisfied in my life then, I can deal with that.  Am I giving it my best shot?  Well yeah I’m working on it.  At least I’m giving it my best shot.  That’s probably more than most have ever done.  Just kidding just kidding, I’m sure most people are extremely accomplished human beings!

Ok let’s start with beating the highest games in my CITY before world.   Even that I would consider a great accomplishment for myself.  I would be slightly proud of myself.  Beating the highest games in Atlantic City is probably 6 months away minimum, maybe 1.5 years away maximum, barring a inevitable downswing of epic proportions.  How likely is that down-swing?  I’d say a down-swing where I go broke is less than 1% to happen.  My poker bankroll is currently about 65 buy-ins.  I lost about 8 buy-ins during my biggest career downswing.  It wasn’t fun losing over 12% of my net worth in the span of several weeks.  I’ve heard horror stories of 10+ buy-in downswings from good players, and I’ve pretty much been there.  To answer your question I would have to run astronomically bad while picking up some serious hooker and blow habits.  Thankfully I don’t have any of those bad habits yet.      

I’m close to that point, beating some of the highest games in my city, I’m nearly certain I could “beat” them right now.  But bankroll management is probably the most important thing in the life of a professional poker.  And at this time I don’t have enough money to responsibly and comfortably play the biggest poker games my city.  It has little to do with skill at this point and everything to do with needing a slightly bigger bankroll.

I can’t for the life of me figure out why people would want to be up at 7a.m by CHOICE.  I don’t think anything good has ever happened to me at 7a.m.  For example It’s about 7a.m right now, Monday morning.  It’s the Chinese new year!  Happy fucking New Year!  I can’t sleep.  I’m hung-over, mind is racing, terrible headache, thirsty, sick, hungry, horny for no reason, need a bowel movement, hot, agitated, and generally mind-fucked with regards to how I’ve let myself get in this physical state.  I don’t think I’ve ever had so many bad things going on at once.  I started drinking when I woke up on Sunday.  One of my best friends in the world Erin picked me up at 1:30 p.m for lunch.  She is my most meaningful friend living in New Jersey.  Wait she doesn’t even live in NJ anymore, FML.  But anyways I seriously love the girl, sucks she lives kind of far away now, but always great catching up.  We of course had champagne and downed that bottle during lunch.  It was basically a liquid lunch.  I’ve been sick all week and haven’t drank in a week so I got buzzed pretty fast.  After that we went back to my place and immediately started working on the double bottle of wine I had in my fridge.  After that the Baltimore Ravens lost a heart-breaker in the AFC championship.  After that I smoked a blunt with my roommate.  After that I got more alcohol.  Sometime after that I passed out around 11p.m wearing jeans, contacts, with my lights on.  After that I woke up at 3a.m (not by my choice).  Man I wish my body would have stayed asleep until I felt better…

BUT NOPE FUCK MY LIFE.…

HERE I AM 7A.M, THE TIME OF THE FUNCTIONAL HUMAN BEING….. whether I like it or not…

THE TIME OF THE STRUCTURED HUMAN…

WOW THIS SHOULD BE AWESOME

IT’S GREAT TO BE ON AN EARLY SCHEDULE RIGHT?

THAT’S WHAT NORMAL PEOPLE DO RIGHT?

I hear seabirds screeching outside.  Oh that disgusting screeching.  The bastards are most likely tearing my trash bags apart.  This will result in trash being scattered all over the neighborhood which I will have to clean up.  Because my roommates sure as hell would never take care of anything.  I’m not sure how I got assigned the responsibility of “TRASH GUY” for my house.  I mean I guess I just took on the responsibility sort of like “SWEET, I don’t mind taking the trash out, I’ll take this responsibility, maybe in the future someone else will take other responsibilities”.  Well it didn’t really work like that, it just made everyone used to me taking the responsibilities.  If I could leave the world with one message it would be this:

All good deeds go punished.

 Please remember that.  Be very careful about who you treat kindly.  It is human nature to take advantage of kindness.  Fucked up I know.  Yeah but me having all the responsibilities, me what the fuck?  How do I have all the responsibilities?  I’m supposed to be the degenerate vampire gambler with no real schedule right?   

Anyways if I had a gun I would shoot the fuck out of them (the seagulls not my roommates), I’m not even a violent person I promise.  If I had a rocket launcher I would fire it with no regard to the aftermath.  Imagine the glorious chaos, the aftermath of firing a rocket launcher off of my balcony at the target of seagulls and trash located about 8 yards away.  If I ever go busto (poker term for broke) I think that’s how I would like to go out.  So I have a few options if I ever go broke:

1)  Get a real jjahhhh. …. Jahhh… jahhHEHHHEHEH….. J……… J –j-word.  J-word bitch, I’m not even going to say it.  It’s the only curse word in the English language that I won’t dare say. I don’t speak of it: JOB.  Fine I said it, but never again.  No I’m not getting a real jjj… jehehehej…JAHH… JAHHH… JAHBA

2)  Use family connections to get into real estate.

3)  Borrow money to keep playing poker.  Find A GREAT DEAL because I’m such a respected pro out here.  I know plenty of fuckers who will take 70% of every dime I make on the poker table for the rest of my life.  And they would be smart.  But HEY MAN.  I’d still be living the dream right?  Nice backing deal?  Maybe they only take 50%!!!! WWEEEEEEEEEEE!!! (You have no idea how many pros are in this ridiculous situation).  Most professional poker players are pretty close to broke because it’s just an extremely hard thing to succeed in over a long period of time.  Here is some free advice to the aspiring pro that as a shot in hell of succeeding: don’t ever be the guy getting staked.  Seriously, you aren’t a fucking horse.  Responsibly build your own money and keep 100% of your theoretical profit, it will be sweeter.  Don’t rush into anything.  One day you can even consider STAKING other people, but don’t make the mistake of being staked.

4)  Option 4: With my last few thousand dollars buy a rocket launcher.  Next, proceed to fire the rocket launcher at trash and seagulls located 10 yards away from my balcony.  I doubt I would survive the explosion.  Maybe through an act of God I would be thrown back into my room and slammed against the back of the house, surviving the explosion.  I imagine a massive crater would be left in my once peaceful court.  Imagine trash everywhere, seagulls SCREECHING, the hordes of additional seagulls swooping down to feast on their mutilated comrades.  I don’t even have to google or Wikipedia this.  I’m sure those fucking birds are cannibals.  If they’re picking through my rotting garbage outside they would definitely eat a fresh fallen seagull.  I guess a stupid shorebird can’t be picky, I almost don’t blame them. 

Only at 7a.m baby!  Isn’t it a great time to be awake??!?!  To be alive?  Fire and death would be everywhere.  Cops would be called.  If I survived, I would surely be jailed for a long time.  But what an awesome story!  I mean if you’re going to go busto and have no other connections just fire the fucking rocket launcher man.  We both know the aftermath will beat the monotony of a normal life and what a cool fucking story!  And it will certainly be better than your life under that "awesome" staking deal you just agreed too.  And you probably don’t have the connections to succeed in real estate. 

I’ve never even fired a gun before.  I know bullshit right?  What kind of white upper-middle class community sheltered mother fucker has never shot a real gun in their life?  I don’t even have a desire to fire a real gun.  What the hell is wrong with me?

Why isn’t my trash secured in trash cans with lids?  Because I happen to live in the windiest fucking city in America.  No it’s not Chicago either.  Look it up bitch.  I used to have two beautiful trash cans with lids.  This was about a year and 3 months ago when I moved here.  But time progressed and shit done changed for the worst.  Eventually one of the lids blew away.  I looked for that lid for an hour, I was very sad.  God only knows where it went….

About a month later an entire trashcan blew away.  I looked for that trashcan about two hours.  It became a mission.  I couldn’t understand how an entire trash-can could just blow away.  I looked EVERYWHERE.  It’s like the wind had picked the thing up and blew it into another dimension.  A dimension where it’s acceptable to shoot rocket launchers at seagulls at 7a.m…

Anyways, at this point I had one trash can left and one lid.  I could no longer properly secure all of my trash.  I now could only fill up one can, anything else I would have to place aside in separate lone bags.  The shorebirds were patiently waiting for this marvelous day….

About 5 months ago the second lid blew away.  I now have one fucking trash-can and no lids.  This leaves my trash defenseless from the vile winged creatures.  In time I may buy new trash cans.  But what is the point? 

They will surely blow away again….

12 Sign's Its Time to Leave Corporate (Finale)

1)  You have a song picked out. You plan to loop this song on your Ipod the last day of your employment.

GOODBYE TO YOU- SCANDALS.

2)  Turning 25 was the ultimate kick in the face.

YOU'RE STILL IN CORPORATE BITCH.

3)  Birthday's are no longer celebrated.

They are landmarks that remind you: you're failing to hit your goals in a timely manner.

4)  You wore a pink rubber band sea-horse braclet to an internal interview at least once during the past month.

You didn't get the job. Shocking!

5)  The only reason you went on the interview as because you applied a while ago and didn't feel like cancelling.

Corporate has wasted your time for the past two and a half years.  You didn't see the problem with wasting 30 minutes of their time.  So i'll wear my pink rubber band sea-creature.  And oh screw your suit and tie.

6)  Three new people from another group were forcefully relocated a few desks from you.  The first week they were alerted that Wednesday's is "BAGEL DAY".

Wait a second... you've been on the floor for a year and didn't know Wednesday was bagel day.

7)  Now that you know Wednesday is bagel day, you still refuse to get the bagel.

You know what?  Fuck your bagel.  Seriously.

8)  Your direct boss is the worst manger.

EVER.

9)  You have 15 bookmarked folders on your web browser of choice.

Only one of the folders is work related.

10)  No one in your company actually enjoys what they do, no matter how high up they are.

Intern, entry level, associate, management, or upper management.  They all have one thing in common: they are miserable.

11)  The corporate building you work in stands as a shrine of oppression.

You have decided to never step foot in the surrounding city again, rather then witness it's foul presence.

12)  This isn't a sign.

You left corporate.

12 Sign's Its Time to Leave Corporate (Part XVI)

1)  The lady who works at the convenience store downstairs immediately reaches for the 5-hour energys as you walk into her store.

WITHOUT YOU ASKING.

2)  You know the name of the lady who runs the convenient store downstairs.

JENNY.

3)  You haven’t checked or responded to your voice-mail.

IN OVER A YEAR!

4)  You find it odd that a classy restaurant a block from you office boats: ‘open 365 days a year’.

So why don’t you guys ever take a break again?

5)  Your company changed the carpets in your hallway at least once during the past month.

They look as awful as they smell. 

6)  A “gangsta” cut you off in his ‘Toyota Priority” during your commute to work at least once during the past month.

LOOK OUT IT’S A 4-RUNNER!!!

So wait wait wait…. You’re driving a Toyota Priority, but have somehow convinced yourself that you’re a ballin’ gangster?

??????????????

??????????????

7)  You find yourself wondering what could have possibly been going through that guys head as was cutting you off:

“PRIORITIZE BITCH”

8)  You collided with a guy because he was strangely zoned out reading a fictional novel on the elevator at least once during the past year.

Ok DUDE.  Put the novel down or as God as my witness I will rip it from your grasp and proceed to beat you through the fucking floor with it.

I will then find where you live, steal a Toyota Priority, and drive it through your wall.

9)  You only felt the urge to ask one girl out during the past month.

She was stuck in traffic next to you…….

10)  The girl actually gave you her number.

You decided not to call her.

11)  You decided not to call her.

First, who in their right mind wouldn’t call this girl????  You already pulled off the impossible.  99.9% of the guys who ever walked this planet would not have the balls to even attempt something so unbelievably over-the-top.  You have no idea how you even got the balls on that particular day to ATTEMPT this, much less succeed.  Also, she was extremely cute. 

Well since she was stuck in the same bull-shit commute you reasoned that her life was at least comparably miserable to yours, and sorry that’s quite a red flag.  Miserable plus miserable equals DOOM from the start.  Besides what if things got serious?  Eventually that former fun pick-up line would turn into a raging fight.  Imagine that previously cute mysterious girl stuck in traffic next to you on the highway now taking the form of a MISERABLE GIRLFRIEND STUCK IN TRAFFIC NEXT TO YOU WHO HATES YOU.  Then your commute would be down-graded to “beyond hell on Earth”.

So you kept her at that: cute and mysterious.

12)  You haven’t gotten laid in over a month.

BUT IT’S OK BECAUSE YOU HAVE “CUTE AND MYSTERIOUS” WORKING FOR YOU.

Why don’t you find that guy who reads the novel on the elevator, rip the book from his grasp, and beat YOURSELF into the floor with it?

12 Signs It's Time to Leave Corporate (Part XV)

1)  The April 30th box of your desk calendar reads "what a wasted month........"

The month hasn't ended yet.

2)  The worst part of your life used to be your commute.

The worst part is now the actual work you have to do after your commute.

3)  During a recent meeting your boss explained to you and your team: "The more you know how to do; the more valuable you are here."

Then why the fuck are you our boss again?

4)  During a recent interview you were asked:

"Now earlier you expressed some discontent with your current position.  Could you identify the one specific variable that is the most unfavorable to you?"

You responded: "The lack of natural sunlight is the MOST unfavorable variable to me".

5)  The interviewer went on to demand that you identify a "professional weakness".

You admitted : "I enjoy the humor in being brutally honest".

6)  Your boss asked you to train a new team member at least once during the past month.  She assured you "don't worry he's a quick study".

Clearly there was a misunderstanding.  After training the guy for 15 minutes you realized he couldn't fall out of a boat and hit water.

7)  You think a rainy day is the equivalent of a car wash.

It's not.  Wash your god-damn car before you go out on a date with that horrible girl.

8)  You would rather it be RAINY outside, as opposed to sunny.

At least when it's raining out you know that most people are as miserable as you.  You can't enjoy the day, so you find yourself wishing misery upon the rest of the city.  Man, when did you become such a jerk?

9)  People who work around you sometimes wear ties because "they feel like it".

Hold on hold on...... so you felt it would be fashionable to dress up like a corporate tool-shed for the day?  That was your actual style of choice?

10)  Frank came to you in a dream last night.

He said: "Come fly with me; FREE YOURSELF AND FLY WITH ME".

Other than that you haven't seen your friend in a very long time.  Then again spotting a falcon that flies around and perches up on skyscrapers is hard to spot with no windows.

11)  Sometimes when you're bored during work you go onto Google Maps.  You then start looking around in the middle of the Atlantic and Pacific oceans for tiny islands.  Once you find something interesting, you investigate and research the island.

There is a brief sense of comfort brought to you by such a refreshingly different, but seemingly beautiful location that coexists on the same planet.

By the way this sort of behavior is NOT NORMAL.  You shouldn't be searching around corners of the Indian ocean looking for new islands to investigate as you zone off at work.

12)  The background or "wallpaper" displayed on your monitor is now always a photo from one of the island nations you "discovered".

Note that you really didn't discover the island, but in a way you did (since you previously didn't know it existed).  Maybe it's just ignorance, or perhaps your society doesn't want you to know such beautiful places exist.

Check out Réunion, A French Island in located in the Indian Ocean:

 

Shockingly this island has a population of 800,000 strong.  It is technically an outermost region of the European Union.  Cool fact: due to its location in a time zone to the east of Europe, Réunion was the first region in the world where the euro became legal tender.  AND YOU DIDN'T KNOW IT EXISTED!

12 Signs It's Time To Leave Corporate (Part XIV)

1) When you exit the restroom you use a paper towel to open each of the three doors to get back inside.

This place is disgusting and you're done acting like you think otherwise.  People might think you are strange for doing this, but you really don't care for a variety of reasons:

A) It's not like any of these people are your "real friends".

B) You don't respect a single person that you work with. Typically when you don't respect someone you don't give a flying fuck what they think about you.

C) There are no attractive girls who work on your floor.  If one did, maybe you would be concerned about word getting around that you are "strange".  But this is simply not the case.

2) Regarding the corporate front; you have an excellent new strategy.

Whenever something pisses you off you now do NO real work for at least an hour.  You use the hour to blog, do research, or whatever else you feel like doing to entertain yourself.  Any task you choose is fine, as long as it has no relation to what you're actually being paid to do.  So every time managers act like a fucking asshole they are actually secretly urging you to stick to your principles and do nothing.

Neat right?

3) On the average something happens that genuinely pisses you off at least twice per work day.

Sorry corporate, that's minus 2 hours.

4)  "I don't make the rules, I just follow them." 

Isn't that the corporate explanation for the majority of the decisions that are made based on severely flawed logic?

Well I'm going to borrow your rule, sorry man the genuinely pissing me off equals one hour of not doing shit for you.  I won't even say who exactly made the rule, but I will say that I must follow it.  There's simply nothing I can do for you until that hour passes.  You can email me, call me, run up to my desk, or even smack me in the head.  I'm still going to remain about as useless as a sack of sand would be if it were placed in this very chair.  Actually less useless than a sack of sand.  You could actually use the sand for some minimal task that would somewhat be to your advantage.  Consider starting a fake beach or filling in a sand-box so your shitty kid can play in it:

But until this hour passes I won't help with your pathetic beach, and I certainly won't provide your shit-kid with entertainment.

That's right your kid is complete shit, I said it.

Crossing the line?  Let's be honest, the line has been obliterated long ago.  Take the line and go bash yourself over the head with it.

5)  You have absolutely TORTURED yourself by showing up to work with less than 3 hours of sleep at least once during the past month.

Do you really think corporate would fuck up it's schedule just to help you out?

Well it NEVER would.

6)  Yesterday a reminder popped up informing you that a task was 144 hours overdue.

OOPS? -..-

7)  You knocked over a full beverage all over your desk at least once during the past month because you were texting a being from the outside world and not paying attention.

You rushed into the kitchen and started grabbing massive amounts of paper towels in an attempt to control the damage.

Of course some idiot standing there cleverly remarks: "that is not good."

"WELL NO FUCKING SHIT RAY. It's not good alright. What the fuck do you want me to say here? Do you want me to disagree? I'm not disagreeing with you."

8)  The massive spill caused water damage to your great mountain of invoices.

The mountain is one of your most prized possessions. 1000's of previously useless incorrect invoices collected over the past year and perfectly stacked to create perfection.  The monument impressively towers over your cube wall. The fools around you can only look in amazement.

9)  You fear the water damage from spills will eventually cause the mountain to collapse into your newly constructed Great Pyramid of Paper Cups.

Imagine the damage becoming so severe that the great mountain itself begins to wilt. Prophets have foretold this wilt may cause an epic collapse in the distant future.

10)  You had an envision about how the end of your employment will play out.

A) A beverage spill in the distant future pours all over your desk.

B) The great mountain can take no more.  It's wilt to the left initiates a pathetic collapse.

C) The mountain has falls directly into The Great Pyramid of Paper Cups.

D) The result is papers and paper cups being launched within a mile radius of your cube. There is also liquid everywhere.

E) The liquid causes an electronic device to SPARK. That spark catches the papers a BLAZE.

F) A raging inferno erupts.

G) Ray calmly walks over and comments "This is most bad"

H) You respond by decking Ray in the face.

I) An epic battle between you and Ray forms as the rest of the co-workers on your floor flee in terror.

And that will be the last day of your employment.

11)  Your company sometimes buys you horrible food as a "favor".

The rest of the drones in your office may frantically attack, but for you it's NOT a favor. I normally don't devour 3 donuts in the morning, so why would I change my habits just because they're now free?

If anyone forces me to come over their house in the morning at 8:00a.m I'd say fuck off even if they bought me donuts.  I'd rather be sleeping thanks.  So next time how about I just stay home, and for the love of God spend the money on something useful.

12)  You now estimate required stat analysis reports, rather than wasting the time that would be required to be 100% accurate.

When your boss asks you for a statistics analysis report that relates to a current project you are taking the lead on you often just estimate the hell out of the stats.  You have reasoned that it would actually be to your advantage to send out a wild estimate rather than taking the extra hour and a half to achieve 100% accuracy.  You have learned it makes you look better if you send out the stats immediately because you understand your boss is a very impatient being.  You would rather send the estimation and get her the hell off your back, rather than living with the fear of being harassed by one or two more emails before you send the update.

The estimations are of course always skewed in your favor.

You firmly believe that you could send over a stat analysis with a 25% margin error and never be questioned, so a 2-3% margin error seems well… inconsequential.  Looking at the situation from an overview you reason that there is a less than .01% chance that your boss would or actually COULD call you out on your estimations.  She is incredibly out of touch with the numbers.  However, there is a 20% chance that your boss will harass you if you wait that extra hour and a half.  Therefore, you would be foolish to take the extra time to send a 100% accurate stat update.  The implied probability of this particular scenario clearly favors SENDING AN ESTIMATION.

The situation is strangely comparable to Enron on a much smaller scale.  It’s only a matter of time before tweaking the stats on the books BLOWS UP in your face.  Then again, your boss is pretty clueless so you will have most likely fixed the tweak by then.  Or hopefully be employed somewhere else.