12 Signs It's Time to Leave Corporate (Part X)

1) You completely zoned out when your boss asked you to do something at least once during the past month.

It was a combination of being very used to her babbling about nothing when she normally talks and that you had gone out partying the past two nights. After going out Wednesday night and Thursday night you had probably combined 7 hours of sleep in the past 48 hours. At the end of the conversation you agreed to complete an unknown task by saying "yep" even know you actually zoned out mid-way through the conversation. All you remember is the subject and that the end instructions were:

".....of those which ones are active."

Good thing you enjoy puzzles!

The sad thing is you are about 95% confident you successfully "filled in the blanks" and completed the task.

2) For the record you don't have a drinking problem

You have a problem with corporate.

3) You realize booze keeps the corporate masses from a state of rebellion.

Think about it: instead of fixing the state of your life, it's often easier to go to a bar and get smashed. At least this way you can have fun and forget about your "real life" for a night. The problem is these "temporary forget sessions" could be replaced with aggressively plotting an escape from the monster. Without booze the inhabitants of corporate would be infused with rebellion.

Consider:

A) "It's Saturday night. I'm going to get obliterated. Monday? Hah, I'd be lucky to physically survive until then."

or

B) "Wait it's Saturday night and I'm sober. Hey I'm actually REALLY pissed off that I have to go to work at 9a.m on Monday. What course of action can I take to proactively fight against this fate?"

4) You realize booze is your company's "ace in the hole."

No matter how bad things are, or how massively fucked up the state of the company is they will randomly throw a happy hour to try to allievate things. Once they laid off 30% of the workforce and threw one. It's the only thing they can possible do to seem cool: "HEY! COME TO OUR HAPPY HOUR AND WE WILL BUY YOU ALCHOHOL WITH THE SHIT-TON OF MONEY WE HOARD. See how awesome we are?" Oh for the record if your company doesn't usually throw happy hours and they throw one I would suggest being extremely concerned. It could indicate something REALLY bad is about to go down.

5) People put their names on their brown-bagged lunches in the refrigerator.

Ok no one is going to steal your awful lunch.

6) You slip into an intense daydream at least once per week.

The daydreams always have one thing in common:

SUNLIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!

7) The lack of sunlight has caused you to begin hoarding shiney objects and placing them around your desk like a crazy person.

The objects could include shiney clocks, shards of glass, pieces of gems, minerals, cheap bright beaded necklaces, or even snowglobes. Pretty much anything that contains a particularly high luster ends up on your desk.

8) You forced a laugh at a joke your boss told that wasn't funny at least once during the past month.

You should NEVER even have to consider whether you should laugh at a joke that isn't funny.

9) You think about moving to another state at least once during each work day.

In actuality there is nothing left to think about. MOVE THE HELL OUT.

10) You have noted that there seems to be a direct correlation between a decrease in the work assigned to you and a corresponding INCREASE in how tired you are.

The theme of late has been LESS work assigned. You think this would cause you to feel more energized at the end of your 8.5 hour day, but this is not the case. Being forced to sit 8 and a half hours with little to do is torture; absolute mind-rot.

11) You are expected to embrace a state of mind-rot.

Your bosses Logic: "Nothing to do? Don't even think about browsing the web, going on facebook, using twitter, or doing anything that would indicate our team isn't super-productive. Open a worksheet and pretend you are doing something."

12) You have defined insanity.

Insanity:  When one unhappily travels along the same path, while taking no action to change or improve their situation in anyway.

Lessons Learned: October

What a fabulous day. Today your company actually asked you to list some “lessons learned” relating to the last project (which had a duration of 5 months). You are to submit to your supervisor by the end of the day. A very cool concept:

FORCED FEEDBACK

“TELL ME WHAT YOU LEARNED?  NOW!?!?!?!”

“HAVE IT SUBMITTED BY THE END OF THE DAY.”

Um ok?

Well come to think of it we are all constantly learning, no matter how repetitive our current situation may seem. In honor of the great forced feedback concept I have decided to make a list of a few things I have learned over the past month. Maybe I will even submit the list to my boss.

Here we go:

1)  I have learned how to access Facebook and Gmail at work, even know they are technically “blocked”.

2)  I have learned that the ability to completely “zone people out” while they are talking is an incredibly powerful and underestimated weapon. Especially with a bullshit job like mine.

3)  I have learned that if my boss “shoots me an email” I should probably immediately log off of twitter, Gtalk, Facebook and/or my blog. This is a WARNING; she could bolt over and explain the email in less than a minute.  Do NOT get caught red handed.

4)  I have learned if I am caught red handed I should just quickly “X” everything out even though my boss is standing there. She sees it game over, just move on. 

5)  I have learned that if I let some drunk idiot at the club draw all over my hand the night before, it’s probably a good idea to clean it off before work the next day. Your boss may very well ask: “what the hell is that all over your hand?”

6)  I have learned that in some clubs “24” isn’t just old, it’s ancient.

7)  I have learned that I will not forget someone’s name or lose their number if they write it all over my hand.

8)  I have learned that it can be thrilling to run through the hood at 2:30 a.m to get home. I didn't even get stabbed or robbed, man I'm fast!

9)  I have learned how to explain the state of my life is in three words: “An Impossible Balance.” Then I can just expand from there if I need to. This is a VERY useful tool. How many times have you run into an old friend only to be asked “so what have you been up to?” So she wants an in-depth explanation regarding your life in a sentence, well GIVE it to her.

10)  I have learned that my job is REALLY worthless. I just went out drinking Wednesday and Thursday night, and here I am sitting my desk Friday, STILL able to somewhat accomplish whatever “work” requires attention. This is impressive considering I have only slept 8 out of the last 55 hours. 

11)  I have learned the body can build an immunity to 5-Hour Energy’s VERY quickly. I already need 2 black “extra strength” bottles to get a substantial boast.

12)  I have learned that 5-Hour Energy's can ruin lives.

13)  I have learned that I can’t actually remember the longest span I have gone without drinking alcohol during the last two years. That’s probably bad.

14)  I have learned that the majority of the population is what I like to call “plan-whores.” This is simply how they operate.

15)  I have learned that plan-whores are the “rake” for poker players. It’s impossible for a poker player to not have a plan. The phrase “nothing to do” doesn’t register, at a minimum there is online poker.

16)  I have learned NOT to join recreational sports leagues, especially on the weekends. Why the hell would you plan-whore yourself to 8 Saturday’s in a row? Do you really know what you will feel like doing 1 week from now, much less 7 weeks from now?

17)  I have learned that Boone's Farm wine isn’t really that cheap. You will understand when you have to pay that $3,500 dental bill without insurance.  For those of you who aren't familiar a bottle of Blue Hawaiian Boone's Farm is displayed on the right.  Blue Hawaiian is pretty much the god of all Boones Farm flavors.

18)  I have learned there is a type of girl known as “the boy-friend girl.” She literally can’t go four sentences regarding any subject without saying: “MY boyfriend.” It’s like ok we believe you have a boyfriend, we get it; relax. 

19)  I have learned that age is mostly a state of mind. You can be 50 and feel 21, or you can be 21 and feel 50.

20)  I have learned that wearing headphones and blaring them at work does not cause people to annoy you less. People usually respond by walking up and punching you, which bothers you even more.

21)  I have learned that I feel like I’m 40, even though I’m only in my mid-20's. I blame corporate.

22)  Males may be generally stronger physically, but I have learned females are MUCH stronger in other respects. For example, wearing 8-inch heels in the rain. Now that is fucking tough.

23)  I have learned I will never fully respect myself until I give my dreams a shot and quit this job.

24)  I have learned that curiosity did not kill that cat; BOREDOM killed the cat. This job is proof.

25)  I have learned not to call the girl back that I met at the club who was 20-years old, drop dead gorgeous, without schooling, living at her parents, and without a job that would allow her to move out.

....ok no I haven’t.

12 Signs It's Time to Leave Corporate (Part IX)

1)  For some reason you have agreed to go to a "team dinner" at least once during the next month.

You have been here almost two years and have not once gone to a team dinner. Even when you used to work for a boss you kind of respected as person, never a dinner. You may have used to go out and get trashed occasionally with your old boss, almost like a real friendship. But this upcoming situation is just FRIGHTENING.

They must be up to something....

"Enjoy the dinner, mandatory Saturdays starts next week."

?????

2)  You still can't decide if you prefer packing a lunch or buying a lunch.

Ok you normally prefer buying a lunch because you get to escape some. However, both options grow more and more unappealing with each passing day.

3)  You sometimes make comments about conversations that go on around you, even if they don't concern you.

Girl talking to another co-worker: "So me and my boyfriend were there with a group of friends and................"

Hold on hold on, before you go any further:

A)  You have a boyfriend? Wow that sucks for him.

B)  You a friend?

C)  You have a GROUP of friends?

D)  Get the hell out! Have I stumbled into the twilight zone?

Ok for the record maybe it is my business to be an asshole. If I can clearly hear it I'll make it my damn business.

4)  You often don't say these negative comments out loud.

They just flow through the currents of your subconsciousness like a stream. You can't stop the negative flow, even if you wanted to.

5)  This is the 100th sign it's time to leave corporate.

WHY HAVEN'T YOU LEFT CORPORATE?

WHY I ASK?

6)  The pass code you created to log into your network is "8th floor rebellion xyz."

You work on the 8th floor.

7)  You have envisioned a legendary battle taking place on your floor between The Tree and the PRT-10,000 (see Part VII sign #4) at least one time during the past month.

You are betting the tree will shock the world; defeating the PRT-10,000.

8)  You just placed a bet WITH YOURSELF on a battle that will "eventually take place" between two objects that have NEVER even proven to have fighting ability outside the realms of your imagination. Oh one of the objects is also inorganic.

Congrats, you are now LEGALLY insane.

9)  Your department values face-time over actual productivity.

So if there is no work to do for a week, you are still absolutely expected to come in for that entire week and rot at your desk for a minimum of 8 hours per day. Your boss seems to think that this will make it look her group is important. However, the problem isn't just your group. In reality, all of the departments are nearly EQUALLY worthless. The theme of "horrendous allocation of resources" can be seen running rampant again and again; company wide.

10)  You noticed a small spider on your desk this morning, but you spared it's life; letting it slowly crawl away.

When you see a spider in your basement you instinctively destroy it. But here at work, you have adapted a policy of sparing spiders that happen to crawl around. Whatever evil plans they have in mind you could care-less, as long as those evil plans stay within the confines of your corporate building. You find yourself routing for the spider to create problems and hopefully chaos for your employers. That's right buddy, go crawl off and reproduce.  Start a fucking spider infestation for all I care.

11)  You have time to briefly outline your true thoughts on spiders:

For the record, you don't think highly of the spider. Spiders are vampiric, blood-sucking, arachnid, DEVILS. If the spider ever advanced as a species it would enslave the human race and decimate us without second thought.

They may have a reputation for being beneficial to ecosystems and the human race because they eat insects that are "harmful" to us. But DON'T believe the hype. 

These creatures are simply waiting for their moment to strike. I don't support the trapping of any living being in a webbed cocoon, left to wait until their mass is drained by an eight-legged fanged abomination. As a child playing in the wilderness I sometimes stumbled upon ants or other insects trapped in foul spider webs. Well I would free the insect and slay the spider if it happened to be around. 

To this day I feel confident in my ability to kill insects that threaten me without the evil spider's help. Don't for one second be stupid enough to think the spider is "working for you", or that it wouldn't trap you in that same gruesome web if it happened to evolve a few foot bigger.

Thankfully it's size has been limited by a natural order of evolution (so far), but the world as we know it would be very screwed if this was not the case. So go ahead and keep sparing spiders that you come across. One day when an eight-foot arachnid jumps you in a dark alley you will have NO ONE to blame but yourself. But at least you will take solace in the fact that the eight-foot bastard will surely kill all those horrible rats; RIGHT DUMB ASS?

12)  You sometimes crush honey.

You never really had a thing for honey. You just get so bored at work that you often find yourself experimenting with random shit that makes no sense. For example: "I wonder what would happen if I put a half a bottle of honey in my tea?" Last week you put so much honey in your tea that you began envisioning what would have happened if you accidentally knocked the cup all over your desk. You envisioned swarms of angry bees showing up out of nowhere to demand back what is rightfully their honey. Who let them in? How the hell would I know? All the while the co-worker next to you might see the entire scenario unfold. The guy is obsessed with honey, you know he is the one who uses the other half of the honey that is put in the kitchen. A great honey-war could arise out of the voids of nothingness between you, the bees, and your bitch co-worker.

12 Signs It's Time to Leave Corporate (Part VIII)

1)  You have realized you will receive a promotion faster if you became a complete idiot.

You have witnessed it several times. Manager's will be more willing to allocate additional responsibilities and promote someone if they are a complete idiot. This is because the managers themselves are not very intelligent, so they feel less threatened by a fucking moron that they can use as a corporate tool. So if you want to be promoted try pretending you have a very low IQ for a few months or so. The trick is to complete tasks successfully while acting stupid at the same time.

2)  New job openings are listed under the "benefits" section on your company's website.

Now why in the hell would job openings be grouped under the benefits section? A benefit is something GOOD you receive. An example of a benefit would be providing an employee with dental or health insurance. Your incorrect categorization implies that it is some sort of privilege to even be able to look at your miserable job openings.

That's really funny, but IT'S NOT a privilege. Your job openings are the worst. Employees would be giving you a "benefit" if they were to waste one minute of their time looking at such bull-shit.

3)  You have been called out on "access-pirating" at least once during the past year. 

Access pirating: The shameful act of passively borrowing ones ability to gain access into a building protected by security code. 

Used in sentence: "That punk access pirated me just last week!"

So several weeks ago you happened to lose your employee badge. Therefore, you were reduced to access-pirating until the replacement came in. How else do they expect you to get into the building? It may be your fault that you misplaced the badge, but it's not your fault that it takes corporate a fucking month to produce a replacement. One day a clever individual realized what you were up to and decided to call you out:

"HEY, do you work here?"

"Um yes........"

"Who do you work for?"

"Mrs. Smith; department worthless, same floor."

The individual then rolled her eyes, turned away, and proceeded along her uneventful path.

Are you serious? Ok for starters people enter this floor every 30-second interval. By the time we finish this argument some other guy will come by, so how about I just enter the floor on his card?

Also, why the hell would I want to sneak into this floor? It's 85 degrees and sunny outside, yet it looks like a bat-cave in there. Also, there isn't even anything of value to steal. The microscopic monitors probably cost less than $5 each. They had more powerful computers around during the stone age. The technology in there is so pathetic that I had to bring in my own laser mouse. Every other employee uses a fucking mouse with a ball on the bottom of it. So yah good job you caught me! I was breaking in to steal a bunch of $5 monitors. But I'm a master of disguise. to fit into the corporate world I even dressed in a button down shirt, god-awful boring shoes, SLACKS, and a pathetic belt. I also brought my gym bag, and packed a lunch in a brown bag like a 1st-grader to further try to blend in with the masses and trick you. 

ALL FOR THE PURPOSE OF DISGUISING MY MASTER PLAN TO ROB YOUR JOKE-ASS FLOOR OF OUTDATED HARDWARE.

If someone works for security fine, then this sort of check I could tolerate. But this was a worthless corporate employee drone who works on the same floor. She decided it was her duty to be a complete bitch even though she has seen me about 20 times during the last two months. I respect her even less because she was a complete bitch, but didn't go all the way with her beliefs. Don't just roll your eyes and walk away like a coward. I want you to overpower me, slam the door in my face, smash my access-pirate attempt, and call security immediately. UPHOLD YOUR DUTY TO PROTECT ALL THAT IS CORPORATE!

Do not be a half-ass bitch, take a stance for once in your life.

4)  The cutest girl in your company's building works at a coffee stand in the lobby.

She isn't 21. But, her boyfriend is obviously over 26 and in a dead-end band. Then again whatever he is doing is a lot more interesting then your stupid job. He might be worthless by some standards, but he tricked a cute girl and is happier than you. At least he can say he is pursuing his dream, even if he has no talent. Even if he is really using his non-existent dream as an excuse to pick up underage girls. Hey wait I think I want to meet this guy! Come to think of it he sounds really fucking cool.

Just kidding....

...........

Ok maybe I'm not kidding.

5)  The most heart-to-heart conversation you had with a human being during the past month was with your dentist.

YOUR DENTIST.

6)  You noticed the columns on your floor are marked with giant print-out letters.

"I'LL MEET YOU AT COLUMN N."

"COLUMN L IS SO BAD ASS I CAN BARELY BELIVE IT."

What a sad pathetic excuse for a company you work for.

7)  You have meetings about nothing.

Every week.

8)  Today you realized there is a redeeming quality that your job provides.

Perhaps the most redeeming quality about your job is the ability to write about how much it sucks.

9)  You have purchased a banana at least once during the past week.

After writing this post, you have to wonder what the hell is wrong with you. Why do you insist on torturing yourself? Is this a sad attempt to break up your awful day? Big surprise, you threw it in the garbage before you could consume more than half the miserable fruit.

Oh it cost .67, you gave the cashier a $1. You soon realized she was coughing all over the place and had some sort of disease so you told her to KEEP THE CHANGE. She thanked you gratefully. Um yah I didn't actually tell you the keep the change to be nice. I just didn't want to catch a disease. Then again, maybe she played you, maybe that's her strategy. Act sick as hell so everyone just tells her to keep the change. So the next time that you try to sell something and the buyer needs change just start coughing uncontrollably.

10)  There is a lady on your floor who's normal voice tone is a SCREAM.

With regards to everything she speaks about work related or not. It doesn't matter, if she's talking she's screaming. Without an Ipod your head would have exploded six months ago.

"OH YAH WE HAD SUSHI LAST NIGHT, IT WAS REALLY GOOD, AWESOME TIME YAH."

"SO WHAT'S UP WITH THE CONVERSION TESTS? NO I AM NOT MAD. THIS IS THE WAY I ACTUALLY TALK.  I'M A COMPLETE IDIOT."

11)  It continues to amaze you that vice-presidents you work with continue to walk around and act like they are the shit.

First off, there are probably over 500 Vice Presidents in this company. Last time I checked there was a vice-president of the water cooler down the hall.

Bottom line, never in your life were you ever close to being "the shit."

Anyone who trudges around an office 10 hours a day is simply a tool to be used by the corporation.

12)  The other day you made a joke and had a casual talk with the girl who works at the coffee stand in the lobby.

She laughed!  Great it took you a year and a half to say something to her.  So maybe in three more fucking years you can ask for her number.

It Could Be Worse

I decided I might as well blow off the corporate machine for the day. Best use the would be wasted time for a day of travel. This way I will have at least two full nights in Manhattan that are in no way disturbed by my company. Two nights surrounded by family and incredible people. Self made people who have pursued their passions and in turn ended up in one of the most premier destinations in the world. In life I find the destination is ultimately irrelevant, but in this case we find perhaps the largest percentage per capita of what I like to call "successful journeyman." Talented individuals that have followed their journey to the fullest extent, which happened to land them exactly where I am heading this weekend. I can't consider myself one of those individuals yet, and I might never be able to. However, I respect and envy them to the highest degree.

Fate has it that I happened to pick a miserable day for travel. The sky is an angry grey with blotches of cumulus formations that sporadically shift. A mere spot of brightness can barely be seen in the far stretches of grey. A faint reminder that a battle was somewhere lost, and the sun's energy has been entirely vanquished by the darkness of this day.

I happened to arrive early for the bus on this foul morning. I reason the bus indeed travels this path. I came to this conclusion only by noting a pathetic slanted sign which reads: "DOUBLE HAPPYNESS TRAVEL, INC." The sign is a structure of inorganic irony, surrounded by gloom and a deep pit of mud. Most here aren't so happy right now, much less "double happy." The rain is intense, and the wind is equally fierce. Incredible a company as powerful as DOUBLE HAPPYNESS TRAVEL, INC would opt not to build some sort of crude structure by their bus stop to at least protect their valuable customers from the elements.

I guess it's just always a sunny day at DOUBLE HAPPYNESS TRAVEL. I strongly believe they don't understand bad weather like the logical person, that simply does not compute. It's not that they don't care about their customers, it's just the concept of rain itself at such a "happy" bus stop was inconceivable to the great founder of Double Happyness Travel.

But I do not hate the founder of Double Happyness. I not only respect this great man, I embrace and understand him. If somebody told me it wasn't sunny at my favorite beach I would call them a fucking liar. I would refuse to believe that my beach of choice could be cold or miserable in any way. This is why if I feel like going to a beach located in the Northeast region of the United States in December, I'm damn sure going to still go. And you damn sure won't stop me with your futile logic.

You can bitch at me that it's snowing and 20 degrees outside, but in my mind it's always going to be sunny and 90 degrees at that damn beach. Blanketed with topless girls that should be modeling in a fashion capital somewhere. These girls will also be somehow hopelessly without a boyfriend and throwing themselves at me. So I will be going to my "beautiful beach." That beach is all I have and don't think for one second that you or any other fuck-head possesses the power or logic to take that gift away from me.

I'm not even going to say the beach to me is exactly a state of mind or the state of the bus stop at Double Happyness should be viewed from a relative state of mind. No fuck that, it isn't that simple. This isn't 5th grade, there isn't a simple point or logic for your pleasure. It is 90 degrees at my beach in December. It's state has transcended to a point where it's physical existence has been forever transformed. Likewise, it's always sunny at Double Happy's bus stop, so there's no need to EVER put up shelter.

Lost?

Good, screw off to somewhere else then.

Anyways, I'm still standing outside at this incredibly happy bus stop in some heavy rain and wind. I'm carrying some luggage with both arms, have a sharp pain in my shoulder, and I'm god damn drenched. I don't have an umbrella since I consider that to be a cowards way out. It's ok because I was in a mood to embrace some madness today, even if it comes in the form of rain and wind. Being stuck in an office a week straight will put you in this sort of mood. This logic may ruin my clothes and luggage, but I'll have a good pick up line while dressed in rags at the bar tonight, so maybe it will all balance out.

I briefly think about where I SHOULD be right now, or what I would NORMALLY be obligated to do. Oh right, I would be rotting in a box within a steel skyscraper surrounded by bull-shit somewhere.

I can honestly say that I would rather be standing out here getting blasted by wind and rain with this chronic pain in my shoulder. For that matter, I think I would rather be dropped off forced to camp secluded in the middle of a frozen tundra, left with only ice fishing equipment for survival. Even if I've never ice fished, even if there wasn't ONE FUCKING FISH swimming under me within a 100-mile radius.

I would rather be trekking through an uncharted stretch of jungle, even if my only ticket out was proof that I slayed a mythical lion, which I had to present to the nearest war chief who has a camp 300 miles away. Even if I was told the war chief probably doesn't EVEN EXIST. Even if I first somehow accepted the fact that there was indeed a mythical lion prowling around out there, and I convinced myself that I could actually formulate a plan to slay it.

I would rather be dropped off god knows where in the middle of the most dry desert on Earth, being told I can save myself only if I kick a random cactus that is located somewhere within a 100 miles radius. Even if I was told that the cactus might respond by revealing the entrance to a secret city that could save my ass. EVEN IF the catch was that this amazing city might not EVEN EXIST.

I would rather attempt to catch the Loch Ness Monster using only a small Fisher Price fishing net. Even if the mother fucker did happen to exist.

My "I would rather" train of thought is soon broken up by the arrival of a massive juggernaut of a bus with "DOUBLE HAPPY" stupidly branded across it's side. I enter and almost immediately notice that there is a leak in the roof. How does this happen? Oh right, I've covered this, why would DOUBLE HAPPY check the roof for leaks? It doesn't rain, it's always happy and sunny outside in the mystical land of Double Happy Inc, remember?

I'm sure during the next stop someone will sit next to me that hasn't showered in three weeks. She will also scream something at me in Ebonics if she notices I'm indeed writing about her. And someone behind me will without a doubt bring their screaming fucking baby along for the five hour bus ride. But what do you want for $20?

It could be worse.